when someone is overtaken by any kind of addiction, they become false. They might phrase that state differently. "my demon." "my worst side." "my evil twin." whatever you wanna call it, it's a false self, a false life, driven by something so removed from who we truly are. that's the definition of fake- living a life where i didn't hold the reins. repeatedly letting people do horrible things to me, and lying about all of it, so i could keep up a facade. when the justifications and rationalizations and suppressed feelings were exposed, the pain of the truth nearly killed me, a couple times over. but i chose that path, because i wanted to be honest. i wanted to be real.
and recovery is about being real. being honest, getting to the heart of the matter, being yourself. no more lies, no more stories to have to keep track of. no more incongruence between words and actions. there are many beautiful things about this process, but a lot of shitty parts too. . .
and sometimes i think it's too awful to be worth it. alternately too painful, too boring, too neutered. . . it doesn't feel right. when i think of being "real", i remember moments of feeling electrified by life and my existence. listening to music, a first kiss or touch, certain textures, bright colors, rebellion, the beauty of nature, the shock of a beautiful voice. i guess i think life should be a rock and roll ride through the countryside that makes tears pop into your eyes every so often because you're fucking happy. and yeah bad shit happens, but you can navigate through. you will be ok because you're "really living." you're dealing with shit as it happens, and not hiding from it. and it becomes part of the journey.
true reality and life feels stifled and trapped, afraid and lost. but on the other hand, i don't think i've had a moment of true peace in my entire life without the aid of drugs and/or alcohol and/or sex. so how the hell would i know what is real?
it is all perception? is it about appreciating the fucking "little things" in life, or is that just a distraction from how miserable i am?
my recovery from a lifetime of abuse, mental illness, and trauma is exhausting, even all these years later. i'm tearing apart the meaning of words like "real" in a fucking blog. i'm trying to live the best i can, but i feel so fragmented. i think it's because i did everything i was supposed to. i got a good job, a good man, a nice home. all things i wanted and still want. but i think i was so committed to leaving behind the old life that i lost some pieces of myself that were still pure and still me. thus why i feel so fucking fragmented. the battle in my brain is endless and makes me laugh sometimes.
there's so much to live for/off yourself.
run away/work harder.
think about the difference you are making in the world/think about your fucking self and have fun.
don't go to work today/be reliable.
and my heart screams, be who you are.
such a fucking useless cacophony that consumes me.
the truth is, one of the only times i know who i really am is at a punk show. i feel free, i feel excited, i feel happy. i feel appreciative of my life. i feel motivated, connected, and whole. and when the show is over, i ride that high for a while. and then comes the crash down to earth. yet in the past shows were a huge part of my life, so i wouldn't have to wait too long till the next high kicked in. now, i don't get much exposure to punk shows. albuquerque isn't really all that for shows. losing my music feels like an empty hole in my life.
i went to the punk rock bowling festival in las vegas this past weekend. i had such a good time, i felt everything i just described to you. afterwards, i didn't keep it going with any of those vices i used to. i just got tired and went to sleep. i almost felt robbed of the richness of my experience because i didn't annihilate myself (there's that lovely nihilistic brain talking again!). there was drinking, yes, but i kept it in check. i didn't want to get sick and ruin the whole weekend. i played the tape all the way through. i have been waiting for that weekend for so long- a little island of hope in my otherwise responsible and dutiful life. it was wonderful. it was so fun living so much sound again.
i kinda feel like my life has been a series of crashes. i don't feel like i belong on this earth, but i'm stuck here. i want to live, but i can't figure out how to live in this world. i still have that pit in my stomach that probably should have dissolved when i first hit the ground and popped outta my spaceship. maybe that feeling is always going to be present if i choose to live real. so do i accept it, or do i fight it? i'll let you know when i decide.
today i cried a lot. more than i have in a long time. it was that kind of really ugly but cathartic gasping sobbing just tearing out of your chest. it was triggered by my boss leaving our agency. i am very attached to her. she's been a mentor and a friend, and we are kindred spirits. i have had so many wonderful conversations with her about our clients, our dedication to the work we do, and how we can continue to improve our agency. we have had even more conversations about our lives- i have felt total freedom to discuss my mental health issues, my past, and my struggles with her. the thought of not having her in the office next to me really breaks my heart. i guess i just don't do well with loss. another unnamed co worker said, "i don't get why everyone is crying. it's not like i'm never going to see her again." because it's going to be different now. and we don't want it to be different. i couldn't sit in while the clients and staff told my boss how they felt about her. i was in full on sob mood, and didn't want everyone to see me and my broken heart on my sleeve. but i always remind myself- try to think of your tears with pride. i cried all the time growing up. i was afraid of my father, and my life, and basically everything. my father screamed more when i cried, so i tried to suppress it. over time, that fear morphed into self hatred, and bitterness, and nihilism. sometimes i would cry during my panic attacks. i learned that the tears stopped when i sliced my skin open with razorblades, letter openers- whatever was sharp and could make me bleed. i was a raw nerve, violently exposed, screaming fuck you. the years i was with my ex, i didn't cry. i was brimming with fear and rage, but i held everything in. or it came out through methods like drinking, or cutting, or drugs. he would get angry when i cried, so i never did. i was in so much pain, but simultaneously so numb. i missed the old rawness that had shaped my feelings for so long. one time i remember crying was when we couldn't get the gas turned back on in our apartment. We had a huge back balance from some other place he and these other kids had lived-i stupidly and regularly offered up my precious social security number for whatever he needed- plus whatever bill we had racked up on the current place. so anyway, it was 20 degrees outside. here was no hot water, and i could see my breath all th time. we bundled the dogs up in my sweaters during the day. at night, me, the boyfriend, and the 3 dogs would pile onto a twin mattress and huddle for warmth. this had been going on for a while, and i was desperate. so that day of tears, we went to apply for a utility assistance program. i was ready to ask for help. and then the blow fell. the case worker told me our balance was too large, and i had to come up with $700. i had been waiting there all day, allowing myself to hope, and i just lost it. i burst into tears in front of everyone, and staggered out of the building. i didn't know what to do and all i could think was "i'm so fucking cold." the tears shocked my boyfriend, who didn't get angry this time, but told me he was going to fix everything. i knew better than that. amazingly, this piece of my story had a happy ending. the 5 ladies i worked with, who were my pittsburgh moms, pooled their money and got my gas turned on. i'm still blown away by it. i was so lucky to be around such angelic and good people, trying to dig me from the hole i had buried myself in. i will forever be grateful for the kindness shown to me by the people i have worked with. thus, many tears today. yet every tear i cry now is brilliant and radiant to me, like tiny diamonds hidden away in my lost heart. Whether from happiness or sadness, or just the ache of living - the fact i can cry, and show emotion, means i am living free.