passed out on the couch

9/11 . . . here we go again

2011-09-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

i dread 9/11 each year and all the outpouring of manufactured grief (from the media, corporations, etc), all focused in on one event in the grand scheme of horrible things. it all comes down to such a narrow focus- no consideration of how these events affected people globally.
i remember where i was on 9/11/01, as so many facebook posts have implored me to do. that morning i was woke up by a friend in my pennsylvania dorm room, banging on my door. i was dead asleep and my roommate was at class. he told me that the buildings were being evacuated because of a terrorist attack. a plane had crashed in shanksville, PA. i didn't know where that was.
i remember throwing on some clothes and forgetting to put a bra on. i eventually found my friends and we sat on the grass. everyone was outside . .. i remember thinking, weren't we all sitting ducks exposed like this? i called my boyfriend a bunch of times, wanting to hear him. . . i tried calling ali and another friend i had in ny but couldn't get through to any ny people (from what i recall). i felt strangely peaceful despite all the chaos, people crying, holding hands, praying. my atheism felt stronger than ever at that moment- i told the group i was sitting with, "Just because we might die today doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to find God." I still stand by that statement. I got some dirty looks for that one.
At that point in my life, i cared very little for myself- death didn't seem frightening to me. i had spent the majority of my 19 year old life wishing i was dead, so it wasn't that overwhelming to me on that level. i had believed in a anarchy since i was a young teen, believing in revolution on a political and societal level. riot grrls. punk rock. that was my life. i spent the next years wholeheartedly supporting the many musicians and writers who critically examined this event. i was at huge anti-war protests, with a black bandanna around my face, marching with the anarchists. i had my "fuck racial profiling" sign. i had such passion for change, and it wore me down when i saw no results. it hurt me to know the suffering that still continued in the world. i lost hope in anything getting better for a couple of years. my personal life didn't help one bit. i was hopeless, in many ways.
10 years later, i still feel that dissent and need for revolution. the difference is that i treasure every day of my life now. i don't hold the same degree of nihilism i once did. i care if i die- and hope i get the chance to be a grumpy old cat lady, scaring the neighbors on halloween. i will always fight for my beliefs, but not just out of anger. i feel some of that hope again after advocating for and truly helping the clients i work for, on a micro and macro level. i've gotten back that genuine desire and belief that things can get better- if we make them better.
9/11 pisses me off for a variety of reasons. i think it was a tragic event, of course- some fashion mag i was reading recently had a whole section of letters from the families of 9/11 victims to their loved one. it brought me to tears.
i get pissed by the naivety of most Americans, who thought we were somehow special and would never have any repercussions for our own aims of world domination/exploitation/destruction. none of those people deserved to die. . .but none of the people who have died everyday for years due to stupid and misguided wars do either. remember the individuals who have been detained and abused for being brown in a fear-fueled country (some of them kids). and of course, remember the many people tortured by American soldiers.
i despise the politicians who have exploited the deaths of Americans and ignored the deaths of thousands of non-Americans to keep or gain political office. See the Family Guy- 9/11 on hulu.
And finally, stores make me sick with their 9/11 merchandise. Remember Veronica Mars? When the kids went off the cliff and Kevin Smith was selling miniature buses and tee shirts commemorating the day in his gas station?
Some critical thinking never hurt anyone. . . there is a lot to "never forget" about today.

ive been thinking. . .

2011-07-31T18:34:00.000-07:00

i want to bring this blog back. i am going back to pittsburgh in a few weeks for a visit- i am so excited because i left big pieces of myself there. i think back to how starved i was for the duration of my residency- food starved at some points, love starved for years, just DESPERATE for something. always walking on the razor's edge, falling off occasionally, pulling myself back up. sometimes i felt high without being high- just from the music, and my friends, and the streets that felt like home. life was just SO brightly colored and alive for me there. that's partly due to a lot of pain and suffering (which makes every moment sharp and loaded and humming with fear/adrenaline)but also due to the love i received from my friends. once i left my abusive relationship and was able to ask for help, i would get it. that was a dark time for me, even though i got my freedom back and was having FUN for the first time in years. my heart was so alive with anguish because of my breakup and my new codependent crush on someone that didn't feel the same way about me. oh young love *barf* every phone call, every night, every show was so full of promise, anxiety, craziness, elation. i think back to all the nights i drank myself into oblivion and could have gotten into some gnarly situations- and amazingly, i was mostly safe and whole. i remember all the bands with older people i used to hang with- i must have seemed like some skittish, drunk mess of a lost kid and they were all SO kind to me. i get why people have a hard time doing the normal life thing. i have a tough time with it. no night was normal there. that year after i left my ex was stunning in its complexity and wildness. i also met my now husband that year :)i love my life now and would not trade it for the world, but i would like to move this life back to pittsburgh.
i'm grateful for the friends there that have stood by me. its a beautiful thing to know that i am going home to susan, my true heart friend for the past 11 years. and bryce, my brother/friend that has always looked out for me. punk rock has been a huge part of my life since i was a teen, and i was really able to live it in pittsburgh. i miss it so tremendously. after several years of being isolated in albuquerque, i long for those times. i know they would never be quite the same, because i'm different, but i'm hoping to recapture some of those feelings there. just that feeling when the band starts playing and you feel the music in your stomach- you look next to you and you have a friend just as excited as you are about music. shoving, dancing, singing, just losing your stress and pain for a couple hours to the scene you found a home in. the feeling of talking for hours with someone and never getting bored, or anxious- just feeling whole. that is pittsburgh to me. i want to write about all those memories before time takes them away.
anyway, i leave in a week and a half.
being somewhere you truly love is a priceless gift, and i can't wait.

grieving a house?

2010-03-29T22:03:00.001-07:00

i have been crying on and off the past 2 days. so confused.
last week we found our dream house- seriously, a house i would want to spend many years in. we paid our security deposit and were SO happy- i had already started envisioning what different rooms would be for, and where furniture would go. . . then sunday i got an email from the future landlord saying she couldn't rent to us because our references didn't check out. i called her and was like WHAT? the only references were my boss and our landlord. both said they had given us a great reference. well it turns out my landlord was lying. he said we live like pigs, that we are lazy and can't take care of the house, and that we pay the rent late. NONE of which is true- he has never complained about us at all in the 2 years we have lived there. fuck him, hes a two faced piece of shit- but i'm just so deeply sad about losing that house. and i'm afraid whereever we try to go, he will never give us a good reference.
vic and i called him on his shit today. he was super passive aggressive- first tried to deny it all, then flipped out and said that we were asking to have our house robbed and spent so much time whining about it to him- he said some horrible things. basically every time i asked him, why didn't you just say something to us if you had a problem with something? he was silent. he was not apologetic whatsoever and refused to take blame for us losing the new place. he said he would give us a decent reference and that he would let us move by May 1st. i dont know if he really will give us a decent reference. . . i just want to get out of here. vic even asked him, why didnt you bring up any of these issues about our supposed lack of cleanliness when you renewed our lease? why didnt' you just be honest? he was literally silent.
i just feel sick to my stomach. it has been so long since i met someone i think is genuinely a truly awful person at heart- i feel like i was robbed of something i desperately wanted. . .and that is where the suffering comes in, from the attachment to earthly things. i have so much left to learn. i know the answers to some things, but don't know how to live them.
i think another thing that just makes me sick is that 7 or 8 years ago, probably everything he said was true. i lived in terrible places and saw terrible things and probably essentially did "live like a pig." which is a retarded expression. and to know that i have turned my entire life around, and been stable for so many years- to have totally false shit thrown in my face hurts. and to know it cost me a beautiful home that i KNOW we would have been so happy in. .. makes me want to throw him through a window or something.
i hate feeling so angry. . .

4 weeks!

2010-03-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

its been 4 weeks since my surgery. it has definitely been rough. this is a major surgery that is taking a long time to recover from- i dont think i quite realized what it would be like afterwards. some days i think that i am back to normal, so i push myself to do my normal level of activity- and then i pay for it later with swelling and soreness.
the first week was an emotional roller coaster, coming off the general anesthesia and just being totally taxed by the painkillers/antibiotics. 2nd week i went back to work part time. it was really draining. week 3 was pretty good- i am back at work almost full time, and feeling much sharper. so we will see how this week goes!
week 1 was incredibly stressful for a couple of reasons. our landlord is a dick and never responds to anything, so our heater had been out for like 3 days, no response. he kept putting it off, putting it off, and it was wednesday of week 1 with no heat. so i pretty much flipped out and cried hysterically, and straight away developed a fever. that was a good indication to me to chill the fuck out. 2 days later, i found out that my former co worker/current classmate had told other classmates about the nature of this surgery. ok . . . i had no interest in my classmates knowing ANYTHING about this. the majority of my classmates are a bunch of weirdos who make me fear for the social work profession- with the exception a few really cool women. but anyway, i was furious at her lack of common sense and basic ridiculousness. i dont think most people can understand what a life changing experience this is, and while i am happy to talk about it, its also very private- and i dont want OTHER people sharing my personal business. this person is not even my friend. . .ugh. so i called her on her shit in an email and she pretty much wiled out on me. she told me that i had "violated" her by telling her how it is. . . my fever shot up again that day.
another thing that was difficult was the lack of support i got from my friends. anna texted every day and my coworkers made me care package- kwals even sent cookies. my sister brought me magazines and treats and spent a day with me. but the majority of people who i think are my friends didn't call, text, or email at all that first week. after a surgery, the patient feels SO vulnerable and out of sorts. if someone you know has a surgery, contact them right away!! sent a text or a card. . .just so they know you care. your body has been literally opened up and put back together, you are emotionally a mess- all you crave is comfort.
luckily enough, i have SUCH an amazing husband. this experience has brought us even closer together- he has taken such amazing care of me, and met my every need. i genuinely feel the partnership of marriage- it is a beautiful thing. and its a really wonderful experience to be married to your best friend. so despite any loneliness or hurt i felt, i am not alone. . .
now im gonna watch some lifetime movies and chill!

nervous.

2010-02-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

i am having my breast reduction in exactly 2 weeks!! i am really freakin excited, but nervous as hell. i have a horrible fear of general anesthesia and just never waking up. im not that worried about the actual recovery, though it will suck. . i am just going to be so relieved!! i feel like i am making huge steps to having a less pain-filled existence. i have been having prolotherapy shots done in my back for the past couple of months which has greatly decreased my chronic back pain. and im hoping chopping the boobies off will continue to decrease the pain. i already feel a difference in my capabilities, just from having less pain. tomorrow i have my preop visit!!

tired.

2010-02-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

stress definitely exacerbates my MH symptomsl, and my ability to cope. i am just aching all over and incredibly uncomfortable in my skin right now. school is SO hard, work is so tiring- i love this field but not sure if its the right one for me. or rather, how long will i survive this field?? im looking forward to valentines weekend with my husband, who puts up with my endless agonies and laments, and loves me nonetheless. when i think of that i feel profound love but also a great deal of regret for what he has to deal with. i will NEVER EVER pass this shit on to a child!!! hell fucking no. ive been dealing witht this now for 15 years and im so sick of it. meds, therapy, they all help- but i just want to be better. so badly.

PTSD. punk rock remembrances

2010-02-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

You and me

“Now here I go,
Hope I don't break down,
I won't take anything, I don't need anything,
Don't want to exist, I can't persist,
Please stop before I do it again,
Just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing,
Let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone

You and me have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
You and me, you and me

I'm on the edge,
Get against the wall,
I'm so distracted,
I love to strike you,
Here's my confession,
You learned your lesson,
Stop me before I do it again

You're clear - as a heavy lead curtain want to drill you - like an ocean,
We can work it out, I've been running out, now I'm running out

Don't be mad about it baby,
You and me, you and me,
I want to tie you, crucify you,
Kneel before you, revile your body,
You and me, we're made in heaven,
I want to take you, I want to break you,
Supplicate you, with thorny roses,
I want to bathe you in holy water I want to kill you,
Upon the altar, you and me, you and me”
- bad religion

DC and I live in a dollhouse framed by a garden of beer cans and weeds. We’ve lived here for almost a year. The last place we lived in was so infested . . .

Roaches used to crawl over me at night in my bed, so I didn’t sleep much. I couldn’t take it anymore. We found our dollhouse, and made plans to leave.

That last night, we came home and flicked the kitchen light on. roaches fucking POURED out of the outlets and cracks. I stood frozen, watching them as my heart pounded so loudly. We hurriedly finished packing, and left at midnight with our shit and our dogs.

Keys had died a few days before of an overdose, and after his funeral DC got jumped by drug dealers he owed money to. I screamed as they put a hole in his face and stared at his blood on the Burger King sidewalk.

The only problems we have at this place are of our own invention.

Our house is filled with piss and shit, and memories of wounded dogs slinking along the bloodstained walls. Broken glass lies on the dirty carpet like snowflakes. Music is always blaring, and it sounds so far away to me. It means nothing to me. DC’s band practices here sometimes and he screams along with the three chord guitar mess. I imagine him becoming the next henry Rollins. My pit bull lays next to the amp and taps her tail. DC’s dog lives in the basement, where she cries until he decides to give her some semblance of care.

I cried every day the first 6 months here. Now I just go blank.

We have left our damaged imprint here.

We only have 1 neighbor, Mr. R. I barely ever see him, but I hear him welding things in his workshop every day. I wish he would talk to me.

I wonder if he ever hears me screaming.

I know he heard us once. That morning I ran out the door in my pajamas, clutching a handful of meds. DC chased me and threw me on the ground. I stumbled and hit my head on the front stoop as I fell. My fist opened and the little blue pills spilled out, mixing with dirt and gravel. i could feel every tiny pebble under my pajamas. DC yelled at me to get up and get in the house. I started to go blank. But I looked up, and everything was blue.

It had been so long since I had simply looked up.

It was painful to see what I had been missing.

I glimpsed Mr. R watching us, just for second. Then he left me, again.

I should have shoved the pills in my mouth like salvation.

DC has been locked in the bathroom for the past hour. He went in with a piece of broken mirror and his needle, and hasn’t made a sound for a while. I pound on the door and beg him to let me in. my heart is thumping in my chest, and I don’t know what to do. I feel this way most of the time, that ache in my throat and the sinking in my stomach. Sometimes in passing I contemplate if I have an ulcer.

I pick up my phone and tentatively dial 911. I know he’ll kill me if I hit dial. I press the phone to my stomach and will an imaginary person on the other end of the line to save him, to save me. I haven’t gone blank yet.

The door flies open and DC storms out, pushing me out of the way. he screams at me to fuck off. I follow him like a beaten down dog, and tell him I’m sorry. He shoves me into a wall. He tells me

“you are the reason I want to die.”

He holds his arms out to me, as if he wants to hold me, and starts laughing.

He has carved “HATE” into his arms, the jagged letters still bleeding. I taste puke in my mouth. He stares at me until I look down, shamefully. He’s still laughing as he turns and walks back into the bathroom. blood drips into the sink as he starts to brush his teeth.

I sit on the couch and shake. I could leave right now. I could run out the door to the welders workshop, and ask Mr.R to help me. He might wrap me in a blanket and carry me to his car. He might take me to the hospital, where I can sleep. They will station a police man outside my door, and I will never see DC again.

I could run out the door to the welders workshop, and Mr. R might take my crooked spine and weld it to his front gate as a warning, or a prize.

I know there is no one that hears me; I go blank.

I remember the shards of glass in the corner from last week when DC threw a picture frame at me, and missed. I’ve left them in the corner, carefully covered with a torn sheet. The frame used to hold a picture of my sister and me. He set it on fire in the trash can. The dogs and I cried together for a few minutes, and then I went blank. I go blank every time he fucks me. Some people might call it rape. I probably would too, if it wasn’t me.

I take a piece of glass and cut my thighs, two times on each.

The last time I cut was my first year of college, in the bedroom of the boy I was in love with. He and his friends had just snorted lines of oxycontin off his math book. I lounged in his bed and watched adoringly. He talked to me for hours, his words rambling and beautiful. I told him how I used to cut myself so deeply that I would bleed for hours. I told him how in the Georgia summers I was the only girl wearing a long sleeved shirt. I had to, to hide my cuts. i would feel the fabric rubbing against the raised lines etched in my skin, itchy and raw. It hurt so much.

He asked me if I still was a cutter. I told him no. but I had to show off and I grabbed the razor off his desk. I made 2 small cuts on my wrist and looked at him for approval, or love, or something. He smirked at me and rolled over to sleep. I could see the boredom etched in his skin, in the lovely curve of his back.

I hear him coming out of the bathroom and I pull my tee shirt down to my knees. He looks at me. and he knows. He asks if I cut myself. I tell him no and pray he believes me. He shakes his head in disbelief. Then a smile crosses over his face, a genuine one. “I’m sorry. Let’s get some lunch. You want to get some pizza baby?” I nod carefully. I’m hungry, I know we have a few dollars, I know my forgiveness keeps our spines intertwined.

15 minutes later we are laughing at the pizza joint down the street, eating cheesy sausage slices. We stuff our faces and drink our pop and walk home, holding hands blissfully. We stroll down lorigan street as the sun sets and we disappear into our nothing, the weeds parting to welcome us back to our sanctuary.

This is me, this is my love, this is all I know. We are all we have. We will do anything to get rid of our emptiness. We fill our mouths with poison and spit it at each other. I think I hate him, and I sleep on top of him at night on a twin mattress.

Eat. Sleep. Fight. Fuck.

I live for those brief moments in between the binge eating the nightmarish sleep the endless fighting the cold fucking.

The in between- those moments when I hurt but it’s real, and it’s mine.

Sometimes I even see the sky.

day 6 of cymbalta withdrawal.

2010-01-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

im having non stop brain zaps. i am crying all the time. i suddenly thought about the fact that i bought flowers for my friends funeral over a year ago, and that realization made me start crying even more. just called my nurse and told her i was having withdrawal symptoms- and she said i dont know if its withdrawal, but just going back to baseline.
well whatever the fuck you call it, i'm having it! fuck you!

kill me

2010-01-17T14:46:00.001-08:00

cymbalta withdrawal

vertigo
dizziness
nausea
diarrhea
emotional wreck
brain zaps
FUCK

days like these

2009-12-17T19:44:00.000-08:00

today was one of those days i genuinely wondered if i can handle this field. . .if my own mental health issues are just too crippling to work with this population. i was exhausted after 4 hours at the welfare office and i've just felt frayed after the robbery. i come back to work and everyone is totally amped up and crazy working on xmas gifts. . .our secretary is shrieking and i just felt INSANE. then my co worker snaps at me and i am just fuming and furious. i was just so weary and wanted to be home. but then i had my art group, and we had a blast making xmas crafts, and i remembered why i do this in the first place. its not about my co workers- its about my truly wonderful clients.

nervous

2009-09-30T18:41:00.001-07:00

im starting to feel overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of things i have to do. . . just want to take off for the weekend and party and escape for a bit.

i have been talking to din and elena online much more now, and i am getting so freakin excited to see them at the wedding. they are sisters who were two of my best friends in high school. i have been listening to the wedding playlist pretty incessantly and it makes me happy/teary/etc.

im just really tired. . . i upped my cymbalta which is making it impossible for me to get a good night's sleep. so my nurse prescribes me trazodone, which turns me into a zombie. no happy medium. . .

im off to watch top chef and maybe do my nalls or something. xox

35 days

2009-09-26T20:56:00.001-07:00

till i become a married woman.

i have been working on the wedding playlist, which makes me alternately incredibly happy and kind of wistful/nostalgic.

i look at myself and sometimes don't know how i made it this far. . . i am very, very happy with my place in this world and can't believe how much i have been transformed in the past 9 years.

i still remember everything. . . and i know i have to. we all have our burden to bear, right?? but its not as painful. there are so many good things. my relationship with my sister is so positive right now, and i love her baby more than anything. he will have such a happy, supported life- it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

i have a job i love- a job that is sometimes too consuming, but something i truly enjoy.

i have alaira and gabe- they make me insane, but they are my best friends and my life.

and then there is vic, that dude i'm going to marry. i am SO lucky. i believe in so MUCH now. . . he has made me a believer. in what? everything.

i am so, so excited to get married!! and to have the biggest party of my life with my friends, my true family.

angry.

2009-07-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

ive missed blogging.
i am back, hopefully permanently.
the wedding is less than 4 months away, and it has been occupying much of my time/thoughts.
i have to believe that i am some kind of alien spawn. because it makes me feel like shit to think that my parents are my actual parents.
i just had a long conversation with my mother, where she blamed me for my dad's severe depression. apparently, dad is so depressed because a)i didn't ask him for any help with the wedding (who knows what help means to them) b) we're not getting married in a church, so i'm "embarassing" c)i don't want to invite any of their friends, due to the fact we are paying for the wedding ourselves.
sounds reasonable, huh?
and she expects me to call my dad, begging him for forgiveness, despite the fact he could barely look at me during the 3 weeks they spent in santa fe. at the end of their trip, he offered to shake my hand goodbye.
fuck you, piece of shit.
but in much, much happier news- i have a nephew! mom and baby are doing well- i wish i could spend all my time with them! its amazing to have a new addition to our family, and i know in my heart that he will put an end to a familial legacy of pain and anger. i will do whatever it takes so he does not have a life like i had. and he won't, since he has the best parents in the world.

i'm gonna make you love me before long

2009-01-03T08:12:00.002-08:00

hello!!!
its been two months since my last post. alot has happened.
ok a quick rundown of life thus far:
i am down to 6 clients from my previous 10. wow. i'm sure you can guess what has happened to some of them. its been hard. the wedding planning is going really well! we have our venue, caterer, photographer (the lovely jenni s) and a LOT of ideas! i also am pretty sure i have my dress picked out too. winter in albuquerque has been so fun. we saw the river of lights display and the twinkle light parade. we spent thanksgiving in santa fe. my sister's baby boy is due june 10, and i've accompanied her to several ultrasounds. reena and michael came here for xmas, and i made a big feast. i got some wonderful xmas gifts like my new rat bonzie, who is incredible. i also got myself some nice gifts, like a record player! new years eve was AWESOME. after a half day, a bunch of my co workers came over and we all drank and talked the day away. that night, teresa, paul, anna, zak, vic and i went to atomic and burt's got incredibly crunk and danced!! it was seriously SO fun. i also sported my corpse bride blue wig, which makes me feel beautiful.
things i know about myself: when i am happy, i dress up. i do my makeup. i feel attractive. and much more importantly, i do art. for me, i find that writing comes out of my horrible experiences, and i am kind of paralyzed when it comes to creating art. i have to be in a more high functioning state to produce art. and boy have i been. it is SUCH A GOOD FEELING to feel like i still have some abilities, to feel creative, to have some confidence in myself again.
i am happy. this is partly due to medication, partly due to my sheer luck in life, and to being surrounded by wonderful people.
i finally feel at home in abq.
i watched a movie on lifetime called "7 things to do before i turn 30"and yes it was awful. please keep in mind that it was starring amber benson, who played tara on buffy the vampire slayer. i ADORE her. i will watch anything she is in. so anyway, i forced vic to make a list of things we wanted to do in the next couple of years. it was really fun. here is mine:

10 things to do before i turn 30.

1. camp at the white sands monument
2. go to japan, particularly sanrio land.
3. get married to vic!
4. have an art show
5. get down to a healthy weight
6. do a road trip up the pacific coast highway ending in vancouver.
7. spend a few months in india.
8. become a makeup artist
9. do a falconry weekend in either VT or WV
10. see the pyramids.

WOW do i have a lot of work to do. but it's gonna be fucking fun.

been a long time

2008-11-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

been a long time
been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely time. . .

ok anyway. hi!
its been a while.
i'm doing ok.
i started cymbalta. . . the side effects fuckin BLEW the first week. its getting better.
its hard to deal with family who dont get what a mood disorder is, or think my depression is "minor" because i'm able to have a party. . . ok.
moving on.
i'm waiting for vic to get out of the shower so i can get ready and go to work!
i'm sitting by the fire in the living room and its very nice.
kwals is coming into town tomorrow- we have not seen each other in 2 fucking years! awful.
i had a halloween party last weekend. loads of fun!! i will be posting pics to yum yum soon enough.
what else. . . oh fucking yeah
OBAMA!!!
i'm off to pittsburgh next week to find us a place to get hitched in.

last night

2008-10-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

i had a marvelous dream about you.
i was wondering when you would come visit me, and it finally happened.
we were staying in some swanky hotel and drinking in the streets, i was running away from the police. i don't remember everything but we were having like, major fun.
when the dream ended we were standing in the entry way of this gold building. everything was gold. the ceilings, the walls, the floors.
i was crying and smiling at the same time, and i said "i miss you so much."
you just had this smile on your face that was both affectionate and goofy and you said, "i miss you too sheila." you walked out the door.
thanks desha.

tomorrow

2008-10-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

is desha's funeral. im both distraught and glad that i can't be there.

this week was packed with a lot of tears panic attacks clients relapsing text messaging henry rollins at the kimo (i love that man, he is exactly what i aspire to be in terms of a grown up punk. hes almost 50 and the most punk person alive other than exene and ian) trader joes wedding dress sketches heroes season 1 trying to catch a mouse project runway making dr appointments

i dont often ask for support, but ill be honest: i really need it right now. i so appreciate those of you who emailed me or called me. it's just lonely being out here when i so badly would like to be in GA or PA. i miss her. i was in a mental mess before this happened and its just getting worse.

it's so fucked up that she's dead. so unfair. i dont believe in praying to a god, myself, but if you do, go for it. pray for her and her family. pray thats she's on a beach somewhere in the clouds getting a tan and having endless margaritas. pray that her family and her friends will get through this, somehow.
when people die i've always understood why the ones left behind cling to a notion of religion or God or heaven- it can provide some solace. and why would i begrude anyone that kind of comfort in a fucking shitty situation like this one. and for some people, that is their truth.
not believing in anything is sometimes more like standing alone observing hell unfold. its not like that 95% of the time, but sometimes it makes me tired. it would be easier for me to believe- but i just don't.
i do consider myself a buddhist at heart, and have been repeating the five remembrances as much as i can. i just can't imagine a day when i will actually get to that point.

i guess being an atheist takes just as much comittment and struggle as believing in god. we're all in this together, huh.

normal?

2008-10-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

grief is normal.
how much grief is normal?
how little?
what does that mean

grief is totally abnormal, like a fucking monster chewing on your guts.
but its a familiar feeling, at the same time.
when my friend keys died, i remember i would forget for a few minutes or a few hours and then suddenly i would remember. and my whole body would ache.

my heart feels heavy.
literally.
the human body amazes me and scares me, and makes me want to cling to its form even more because of how absolutely stunning and special it is.

day 2 of knowing.

2008-10-05T12:24:00.001-07:00

i'm so confused, thoughts are just racing through my head and i dont know what to do with them, where to put them, how to stop them.

deaths hit me hard. death has been my obsession my whole life. i still think often of almost every person i've ever known who has died. i dream about them. i miss them.

talked to a few high school friends today. broke down a lot. cried and told natalie how much i missed her, because i dont want to miss the opportunity to say that, ever.

grief is confusing.
in some ways i feel like my sadness compares in no way to the pain of her current friends.
in other ways i feel like my sadness is justified, because i grew up with her and spent some of the most formative years of my life with her.

i hated high school. without a doubt.
but i also had the greatest group of friends, ever. friends that were my little family, and still are, to this day. powerful, incredible girls who are now women that i am so grateful to know.
i wish she knew how much she had meant to me and to everyone.

i know people torture themselves with that thought, and what's the point? because she's gone.

memento mori.

trying desperately to remember

2008-10-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

everything about her.

homeroom together, every day for four years, where she cracked me up endlessly. we used to braid each other's hair.

going to the mall and buying cigarettes and smoking, blissfully happy.

talking on the phone endlessly, while she told me stories about guys that made me equally excited for/worried about her.

she had a pair of tights she wore almost everyday until they were covered in holes. the guy she carpooled with asked if he could just rip them open, and she let him. she loved that story.

her constantly telling me if she was a guy, she would be in love with me. for an incredibly insecure teenager, this was a huge self esteem boost (and a turn on)

for one out of uniform day, she wore a white sundress with a seashell necklace, and looked so beautiful.

stories about her dad.

her amazing sense of humor/style/love/creativity

our laughter and fucking JOY at high school graduation. we both hated pius and knew we would be moving on to better things.

i am fucking sick to my stomach right now. i regret so deeply that i take the opportunity to be in her life more after we left high school.
i desperately wish i could turn back time and see you again.

in high school for those stupid superlatives, desha and i and one other person that i cant think of, were nominated for "most unique". she won, and i remember feeling a-ok about that. she most certainly deserved it. desha was not of this world, at all.

i dont fucking know what to think. . . . i cant stop thinking. i keep thinking about benito and how he must be feeling. its not fucking fair. . .
i looked at her myspace and saw she signed in on friday. she died friday night. i feel so fucking sick.
what the hell happened? how can we fix this?

i dont even want to get into the other issues, like where the fuck is she now?
i cant deal with this.

all day i've been listening to the theme from "a tale of two sisters", because its beautiful and touching and tragic. it was lending some depth to my day. . . it just seems fitting for this fucked up evening.

now grief has a name. . .

2008-10-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

desha.
my fellow high school rebel partner in crime much loved beautiful beachy alien from another planet

someone i loved dearly. she died in a car accident last night. i made the mistake of googling her name and found pictures of the horrific accident that claimed her.

i feel lost, shocked, and devastated. we had kept in touch very sporadically over the years, probably communicated last about a year or 6 months ago.

dug through my pics, found her incredibly hot senior pic-
on the back she wrote:

to my punk princess
i love you so much and you better remember me in 20 years so don't ever throw this picture away!
i love you
aloha
desha

my heart is broken. . . i can't even imagine what it's like for her boyfriend, or her best friends, or her mother and sister.
the world is even more fucked up today.
i'm fucking reeling.

OK I GET THAT I'M INDIAN

2008-09-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

that doesnt mean i'm an authority on india in anyway
or that indians are middle eastern!!!

saturday at the grand opening of the crossroad store-
rich santa fe-ish woman on the board of directors :"there is a DELIGHTFUL thrift store in gallup that sells the most LOVELY punjabis!!!" (stares at me intently, very proud of her attempt to connect with me)
me: ????? i thought that was a language? "-----"
rich biotch: "those punjabis are just beautiful!!"
me: HUH? "that's nice, bye"

we get a large quantity of donations at crossroads that consist of clothes entirely from 1985, and usually teresa, one of the staff here, will put the most interesting items in various people's offices and around. some of the items we've gotten have consisted of a bright teal prom dress- in my office- a yak hat- raylene's office- and a yak coat!- lisa's office. she hung up a long grey robe downstairs, that apparently middle eastern men wear.
the receptionist downstairs: "i had no idea that was offensive for that to be up! i am so sorry, i hope we didn't offend you!"
me: HUH? "you didn't. . ."

later:

the receptionist: "see we took it down! what are those called again?"
me: " i have no idea . . ."
receptionist: "YOU DONT? oh." (confused face)

SIGH

and weddings swirled around in her head. . .

2008-09-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

WHOA. seriously, whoa. weddings are SERIOUS business. i knew this, purely from an outsiders perspective. but now i'm actually semi in this world, and its scary. my sister, who is incredibly sweet and excited, presented me with my first bridal maagazine. and its terrifying. probably 200 solid pages of ads, with swoooning, dramatic brides pouting and posing. i think there were 2 articles in the whole damn thing.
anna and reen and i went to a bridal boutique to try on dresses. i was dreading it, but it was actually pretty fun!! no wonder everyone looks hot in a wedding gown- you are literally strapped in, buckled down, corseted, the whole fuckin deal- of course you're gonna look good!!
i actually have some good ideas for what i would like my dress to look like, hopefully for a third of the price of the gowns in there.
so that leads me to my next question? who is going to pay for all this?? should i start one of those internet fad sites soliciting money through paypal, with a sob story to inspire people? plasma donation? what? help!
people have been just lovely about us being engaged though. my work folk all gave me a really sweet card, and are demanding to meet vic to give him their stamp of approval. . . cute.
my friends have all been wonderful with phone calls and texts and lots of love. i still have a lot of phone calls to make this week.
yesterday was my man's birthday- i got him a bunch of stuff for the wii and i think he was pretty thrilled. i also made baked mac and cheese, and we all pigged out to the 9th degree- is that the right expression? i dont think so. oh well.
also, i have a mouse in my house.
anna saw it the first time scampering behind the stove. i saw it in the laundry room diving down a pipe. yesterday i saw it running across the ledge behind the sink.
friend, you are too bold.
at first i imagined all the cute adventures you must be having.
you have gone too far.
a humane trap will be in place today to take you to a new home. farewell in advance.

pain

2008-09-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

ok, i have this client. she reminds me so much of my dad that seeing her makes me feel sick sometimes. and i've been able to treat her as i do any other client, and move forward. today i watched her scream in her son's face and threaten him. then he told kim, the other case manager, that my client has been beating him with a belt every night. he showed her the marks.
i've seen her son a total of 3 times. i KNEW as soon as i saw him- i know that look.
i know what its like to have to hide your life from everyone and everything.
i fucking knew it, and i feel so guilty.
cyfd was called in, and i hope to fuckin god that they took him away from her.
i'm not cut out for working with abused kids. and i normally don't have to, but this situation just turned out differently.
i also hope that i NEVER become as jaded as some of the people in our agency.
i hope she doesnt kill him.
i hope i never see her again.
i hope she gets the medication she desperately needs.
i hope he gets away.
i feel torn inside.

in happier news, i am engaged to get married to the best guy i've ever known. but it seems pretty small compared to a 13 year old who loves reading and music and kittens who is getting beat with a fucking belt every night.
tonight i'll wish on everything there is, for you.

t or c

2008-09-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

on our way to a little relaxation!

last night i went to the state fair with my sister and brother in law.

-stood on some rocks and watched the rodeo over the fence.
-saw nigerian acrobats
-listened to some high school rappers from burque
-ate deep fried cheesecake, cheese fries, frito pie, and a gyro
-watched people try to sell a variety of things
-petted a huge brahma bull
-ooohed and aahed over some baby goats
-went on the ferris wheel

i love living here.

then i had a great evening watching the devils rejects with zak and anna.

byeeeeeeeeeee

one slipper kind of morning

2008-09-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

one of the dogs took my slipper. . . its fuzzy and white and looks kind of like a little dog to chew on, i guess . . . annoyed.
been stressing a lot lately, feeling a major need to get back on my meds and get back in therapy. especially with the people i deal with on a daily basis, i need some back up. in the form of pharmaceuticals.
i always come back to you

in other news, courtney appears to have 14 days till san fran!! whoo hoo!! courtney update us on your moving progress!! xoxo

satisfaction

2008-09-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

rickety rides run by carnies? check.
a giant juicy turkey leg? check.
ice cold lemonade? check.
funnel cake with ice cream and hot fudge? check.
giant rabbits, pygmy goats, and ponies? check.
an amazing airbrushed shirt with my name and a panther on it? oh yes.

i love the state fair!!

blondie 11:59

2008-09-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Leaning in your corner like a candidate for wax.
Sidewalk social scientist don't get no satisfaction from your cigarette
It's ten to ten.
Time is running out.
Lock up all your memories.
Get outa here, you know that we can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Pumping like a fugitive in cover from the night.
Take it down the freeway like a bullet to the ocean.
Wait until the morning, take tomorrow by the hand.
Take it down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Hanging on a frequency, burning like a fire.
Boy, you've got the motion down.
It's getting late, I'm tired and I've lost control.
Don't leave me here.
Time is running out.
Take me down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.

had a very very bad saturday. i was on call and got a crisis call. was in 3 different hospitals for 10 hours. heard horrible stories and basically was a counselor for the entire day, to someone who doesnt know me and certainly doesnt trust me. why should she? had a little nervous breakdown when i thought i was done for the day and had to go back. havent cried that hard in years.
never been so happy to walk through home's door and see a fucking beagle.
today: state fair. turkey leg, funnel cake, deep fried thingies.

latest inspirations

2008-09-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

charlotte russe teenage hooker heels- in beige and black
a pink parasol
melaka fray
red nails white tips
oversized black tee shirts
yellow flats
my clients
my art group for the clients
brujas
la faundah my honda and her hot pink duct taped side
elizabeth berg
sushi
water
raspberries
hot chocolate with chili powder
teal
crisp mornings
cool evenings
vic wearing his fave hoodie- fall is almost here!!

politics make me queasy.

2008-09-07T21:35:00.001-07:00

or rather, republicans, namely george and john, do.
the movie united flight 93 was on TV- arrg. hard to watch. i started reading up on 9/11 stuff for the first time in years. . . watched the infamous footage of bush sitting in the classroom on 9/11 like a fuckin dumbass . . . then proceeded to watch all the various videos on youtube of bush's fuck ups and absolute stupidity over the past 8 years.
a vote for mccain is pretty much saying you want four more years of bush. . . if any of you are planning to vote for mccain, do NOT tell me this. seriously. it might kill me.
grr.
no one's saying obama's perfect. he's still a politician. but he's the best option we have, and i have some faith in him. plus, i really like albuquerque and dont want to have to relocate to canada anytime soon.
i'm already nervous and its two months away.

guns are funs

2008-09-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday in santa fe i shot a gun for the first time! a rifle to be exact. i dont think i did very well with it, but we had a blast. i shot one semiautomatic rifle and one with a scope and the pump action thingie. we were in the middle of nowhere shooting at stuff and these guys with fake police hats were there as well. they were pretty creepy, and i expected them to shoot all of us and drive off. scurry!
then we had a lovely dinner at a place called gabriels, where i got pollo con mole poblano- chicken in mole sauce. YUM!
after dinner we went to the casino. . . i promptly lost my allotted $20. . . god i love the casino!
i've been having weird post apocalyptic dreams lately, that leave me feeling lonely and strange every morning.
my goal for this week is to work on a healthy food menu and to STICK to it. this life needs some structure, stat.
the dog next door has the most shrill horrible bark ever, even worse than gabe's. . . i'm off to sulk about it for a bit.
xo

weekend assignment

2008-09-06T07:43:00.001-07:00

go to youtube, google "christian the lion." you will not be disappointed. ignore the cheesy whitney houston background music or allow yourself to be guiltily swept away by it. this is one of the sweetest things i have ever seen. i most certainly cried.

last night i got my septum pierced. it was fun! its a little crooked (hopefully just due to the swelling) but i really like it!
today we are going to santa fe to shoot guns with my brother in law, and celebrate reena's birthday. tomorrow, cliff's amusement park! and a lot of house cleaning blah.

have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo sheil

massage town

2008-09-04T07:01:00.001-07:00

hey ya'll!!
the past couple of days have been just lovely. let's see, saturday anna and i went to the growers market. then we went to the flea market and picked up some marilyn and elvis prints. we made deviled eggs for her sisters baby shower. deviled eggs are amazing and awesome. and easy to make! ali im going to do a blog about them soon! I SWEAR IT!!
sunday we went to an alpaca farm! the alpacas were adorable and had big beautiful eyes. i wanted to take one home with me. alaira could be its herder. herding it around my backyard.
monday we went to zak and anna's for a yummy bbq.
yesterday we played tennis! i havent played tennis since i was a kid in my driveway with my sister. its pretty fun. then vic and i got massages. . . . ahhhh. i think massages are very intense experiences. . . i always start remembering a lot of things that i've buried, just little things, and it's nice. and just the sheer intimacy of it makes me reflect on a lot of things. lately buddha's five remembrances.

I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.
There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

i'm planning to get the whole thing tattooed on me at some point.
friday i'm getting my septum pierced!
and its the fall (pretty much)!! i LOVE fall. GA has the most beautiful fall. . . pittsburgh didnt have much of one. i love love love fall. i love feeling the crispness in the air and looking forward to halloween! xoxoxoxo

omfg i am legend

2008-08-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

wow. . .just watched i am legend- i really liked the first half of the movie, and i have seriously not cried so hard in a movie in AGES!!! and if you've seen it, and you know me at all, you know which part i was crying at. like seriously, a nervous breakdown happened.
another campier movie version of the book it's based on is the last man on earth starring vincent price- its on AMC every so often. xo

SO glad its friday

2008-08-29T18:37:00.001-07:00

this week was just one of those weeks.
i barely slept at all, just felt out of sorts. . . i'm glad its over AND that there is a three day weekend.
i was surprised by a lovely bday card from elena, who i have not seen or talked to on the phone in at least 6 years. we have pretty much just maintained contact through the occasional email or card- but its amazing to know some things/people just might last forever.
tonight there is a dolly parton inspired exhibit- thinking about going. . .drinking a tecate and really enjoying it. . .
last night anna and andrea, our clinician from PP, came over, and we had pizza and beer. its been weeks since i've seen andrea, and its always fun to have a lively convo with her and anna about HPV and gardasil and colposcopies and all that. i wonder if i would ever end up in the medical field . . .working at PP made me very interested in it, for a time, and seeing anna's success in nursing school is also inspiring. wouldnt that be fucking weird, if one day i became a nurse?! just like mom. . . yikes
its doubtful because i dont think i would have the energy to pursue it, but its neat to think about. id rather just buckle down and make myself into a writer, relying on alcohol and isolation to hone my skills haha.
i got a bunch of stickers off interpunk and decorated lafaundah the honda. . .she looks awesome. she also has a big pink duct tape bandage where her bumper is falling off.
this weekend, i have been in albuquerque exactly one year. WOW!

mememmee

2008-08-26T19:12:00.001-07:00

10 years ago…
August 1998. Soon I would become best friends with elena and din, two of the coolest people i have ever known. . .

5 years ago...
August 2003. I was living in a shithole on the south side slopes, was behind about 3 months on rent, had 3+ dogs depending on what i was rescuing that week, was in a horrible abusive relationship, and pretty much hated my existence! wow.

5 months ago...
March 2008. Pure misery at planned parenthood. stress galore. however, the introduction of a little scooter into my life came about around this time. big positive.

5 things on my to-do list tomorrow...
1. catch up on my case notes/clients
2. make a basil pesto pasta
3. make a peanut butter pie
4. watch project runway with anna and rachel! (who will be eating the aforementioned dishes)
5. make an appointment for gabo and laira to get their nalls trimmed

5 things people don't know about me...
1. i sometimes cry in the morning because i'm so tired
2. i have incredibly vivid/symbolic dreams, and think about them periodically throughout my days
3. i chew on my thumbs all the time
4. i could eat chili con queso for every meal
5. i get incredibly nervous going into parties/social situations where i dont know anyone, and usually panic and try to figure out an excuse to leave. i generally drink before going into situations like this, thus, it's something you may not know about me. the world is a happy friendly place when i'm a little fucked up.

5 bad habits...
1. my extreme daytime laziness, which leads to my boyfriend having to do pretty much everything around the house
2. my night owl tendencies, which cause me to berate vic for not wanting to start cleaning the house at 11:30 at night
3. Hypochondria. yes. in the past year i have diagnosed myself with a variety of ailments. . . but i'm still kickin, somehow. . .
4. obsessing. over people i miss, people i havent seen in years, experiences that happened years ago, work, conversations that happened in this reality, conversations that happened in my head, etc. its exhausting.
5. eating everything in freakin sight

5 places I have lived...
1. decatur ga
2. pittsburgh pa
3. placitas nm (for 3 months)
4. albuquerque nm
5. hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry (i did my graduate program there)

Tag 5 people...
i will follow ali's lead and tag you all to hell

life is a series of unfortunate events

2008-08-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

who has read the lemony snicket books??
who would like to discuss them with me??
last week i finished the last book, and now have a void in my heart where the baudelaires used to dwell!

we spent a thoroughly enjoyable day strollin through nob hill. i got some amazing horse greeting cards, a land of the dead dvd, a garbage cd (i have had such a hankering for shirley manson lately), and my sister's bday gift- a memory block
the memory blocks are fucking amazing. . . i plan to spend a ridiculous amount of money on them, that could go towards student loans, medical care, food, etc.

hope you all had a lovely weekend!

saturday night LOTR fest

2008-08-23T20:20:00.001-07:00

im just chillin at home tonite, watching LOTR and ordering stickers for la faundah, my new honda. . . just thinking about feeling lonely, and missing pgh.

something that contributes to my occasional bouts of homesickness is my eternal (and eternally annoying) longing for an unpredictable life.

i miss going to a show, getting drunk, going to a random party and getting more drunk, talking all night with strangers and never knowing where i was going to end up. i really, really miss that. i don't miss getting my feelings being hurt by my latest crush, or waking up covered in bruises and not quite remembering where i got them. i just feel. . . a little caged and bored. caged out of my own volition.
i've just gotta find a balance to having the life i want to have and the life i "should be" having.
but you know, it would be really fucking nice to just be satisfied, for once. it would make things a lot easier.

vic and i had a lovely evening though. . . we got sapporo and sushi at sumo sushi and cake at flying star for dinner. vic also got contacts, and i'm so proud of him for putting them in and taking them out in under 10 minutes!! its fucking hard at first!
the past weeks have been full of driving clients around all over town- to an immunization clinic, annapurna chai house, old navy, the flea market, the ER, the medicaid office. . . everywhere. it's fucking fun though, i love this job and i only get really frazzled when i hurt my back moving shit, like MATTRESSES, my greatest enemy. mattresses need to learn to move themselves. srsly.

tomorrow we are going to the nob hill shop and stroll thing. . . that's about it. hi to my friends that i have neglected so, love you all xoxo

p.s. viggo forever!

hihi!!!

2008-08-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

its been a while. . . things have been lovely in albuquerque. i am now the proud owner of a 96 silver honda named lafaundah. my first car, ever! my birthday was great. i did cry a bunch that day, from being homesick/overwhelmed by vic's generosity. vic got me a coldstone cake that was pink and red layers (he knows me so well) and an aero garden! and a beautiful martha stewart blue blender! he's a major sweetheart. he also got me a princess crown and hung a birthday banner. i am a lucky one. anna got me a hilarious doll that comes with some kind of water heater/propane tank, and some kickin cowboy boots. she also got me a book of tapas recipes (yay!!) and sparklers and a tiny little sheila handmade doll. that night we all went to dinner at the sushi place down the street. i tried tempura green tea ice cream for the first time. . .it's rad. thanks for all the birthday cards/calls!!
greg and marybeth, his girlfriend, came to visit this past weekend. it was cool, a little awkward, but fun. i had a wonderful birthday saturday with my sister. first we went to the st. james tearoom and had afternoon tea. the tearoom has a trunk full of hats- mine was pink with a big tulle flower, her's was wide brimmed and yellow. it was SO fun. the savories were delicious, the scones and lemon curd to die for, a heart shaped meringue cookie with pomegranate filling. . . . ahhh. the tea was also excellent. reena gave me a beautiful strawberry apron for my bday.
then we went horseback riding at the tamaya resort on the santa ana pueblo. it was AMAZING. 2 hours of riding a spotted white horse named casper all over the mountain side, in arroyos, along the river . . . i felt like i was on another planet. i think i need to become a ranchhand. or a cowgirl. there was also a brown pit bull named stetson who accompanied us on the ride, and at one point jumped onto the guide's horse for a ride. precious.
afterwards reen mike and i went to the casino, i gambled away my savings, and thoroughly enjoyed some nachos.
sunday marybeth and i went to buffalo exchange and i got some fuckin sweet clothes. this week i've been busy with work, but i'm cleaning frantically tonight for susan's visit!!

kinda bummed, kinda birthday

2008-08-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

the big 26 tomorrow.

honestly, i'm just so exhausted from work that i cant muster up much genuine excitement. . yesterday i moved a client into her new place. it took 10 hours, 5 of which involved lifting incredibly heavy furniture. i am so sore and stiff today that i can barely walk. no joke.
my weekend was more uneasy than enjoyable- i'm needing to find that balance between doing my job and OVERdoing my job.
also, vic's brother is coming to visit this weekend. while i'm excited to see him, the timing really couldnt be worse. i've been working really hard on the house and trying to get things done before susan comes next week, plus all my usual birthday activities- two weekends in a row of visitors! i know how horrible, fun and exciting visits from people you care about!
i think i'm just so frazzled right now that it all seems a little too much for me, even though it will be fine.
i think i'm also just really feelin the homesickness right now. . i miss pittsburgh and my totally wonderful birthdays there, with some totally wonderful people.
ive been throwing all my excess energy into decorating- the color theme of the living room is pink, blue, and red, and its adorable. the bedroom is coming along nicely, it feels like a home, all is well on the homefront other than my lifelong tendency to get inspired around 11:30 at night. which makes for drowsy days.
happy birfday to me!

hai

2008-07-29T09:15:00.001-07:00

thank you for the calls and emails. . . it really means a lot.
i am doing better! what else can i do but just go on?
last night i got a million curtains from savers and am making the homestead all lovely.
i'm working, hanging, enjoying my day.

oh koko

2008-07-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

after the doom and gloom of my last entry, i wanted to post this really lovely article i found on cnn about mr. rogers. it's touching and wonderful. it's hard to believe he was even real!

Here are 15 things everyone should know about Fred Rogers:

Every one of Mr. Roger's cardigan sweaters was hand-knitted by Fred Rogers' mother.

1. Even Koko the Gorilla loved him. Most people have heard of Koko, the Stanford-educated gorilla who could speak about 1000 words in American Sign Language, and understand about 2000 in English.
What most people don't know, however, is that Koko was an avid Mister Rogers' Neighborhood fan. As Esquire reported, when Fred Rogers took a trip out to meet Koko for his show, not only did she immediately wrap her arms around him and embrace him, she did what she'd always seen him do onscreen: she proceeded to take his shoes off!

2. He made thieves think twice. According to a TV Guide piece on him, Fred Rogers drove a plain old Impala for years. One day, however, the car was stolen from the street near the TV station. When Rogers filed a police report, the story was picked up by every newspaper, radio and media outlet around town.
Amazingly, within 48 hours the car was left in the exact spot where it was taken from, with an apology on the dashboard. It read, "If we'd known it was yours, we never would have taken it."

3. He watched his figure to the pound. In covering Rogers' daily routine (waking up at 5 a.m.; praying for a few hours for all of his friends and family; studying; writing, making calls and reaching out to every fan who took the time to write him; going for a morning swim; getting on a scale; then really starting his day), writer Tom Junod explained that Mr. Rogers weighed in at exactly 143 pounds every day for the last 30 years of his life.
He didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't eat the flesh of any animals, and was extremely disciplined in his daily routine. And while I'm not sure if any of that was because he'd mostly grown up a chubby, single child, Junod points out that Rogers found beauty in the number 143.
According to the piece, Rogers came "to see that number as a gift... because, as he says, "the number 143 means 'I love you.' It takes one letter to say 'I' and four letters to say 'love' and three letters to say 'you.' One hundred and forty-three."

4. He saved both public television and the VCR. Strange but true. When the government wanted to cut public television funds in 1969, the relatively unknown Mister Rogers went to Washington. Almost straight out of a Frank Capra film, his 5-6 minute testimony on how TV had the potential to give kids hope and create more productive citizens was so simple but passionate that even the most gruff politicians were charmed. While the budget should have been cut, the funding instead jumped from $9 to $22 million.
Rogers also spoke to Congress, and swayed senators into voting to allow VCR's to record television shows from the home. It was a cantankerous debate at the time, but his argument was that recording a program like his allowed working parents to sit down with their children and watch shows as a family.

5. He might have been the most tolerant American ever. Mister Rogers seems to have been almost exactly the same off-screen as he was onscreen. As an ordained Presbyterian minister, and a man of tremendous faith, Mister Rogers preached tolerance first.
Whenever he was asked to castigate non-Christians or gays for their differing beliefs, he would instead face them and say, with sincerity, "God loves you just the way you are." Often this provoked ire from fundamentalists.

6. He was genuinely curious about others. Mister Rogers was known as one of the toughest interviews because he'd often befriend reporters, asking them tons of questions, taking pictures of them, compiling an album for them at the end of their time together, and calling them after to check in on them and hear about their families. He wasn't concerned with himself, and genuinely loved hearing the life stories of others.
And it wasn't just with reporters. Once, on a fancy trip up to a PBS exec's house, he heard the limo driver was going to wait outside for 2 hours, so he insisted the driver come in and join them (which flustered the host).
On the way back, Rogers sat up front, and when he learned that they were passing the driver's home on the way, he asked if they could stop in to meet his family. According to the driver, it was one of the best nights of his life. The house supposedly lit up when Rogers arrived, and he played jazz piano and bantered with them late into the night. Further, like with the reporters, Rogers sent him notes and kept in touch with the driver for the rest of his life.

7. He was color-blind. Literally. He couldn't see the color blue. Of course, he was also figuratively color-blind, as you probably guessed. As were his parents, who took in a black foster child when Rogers was growing up.

8. He could make a subway car full of strangers sing. Once while rushing to a New York meeting, there were no cabs available, so Rogers and one of his colleagues hopped on the subway. Esquire reported that the car was filled with people, and they assumed they wouldn't be noticed.
But when the crowd spotted Rogers, they all simultaneously burst into song, chanting "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood." The result made Rogers smile wide.

9. He got into TV because he hated TV The first time he turned one on, he saw people angrily throwing pies in each other's faces. He immediately vowed to use the medium for better than that. Over the years he covered topics as varied as why kids shouldn't be scared of a haircut, or the bathroom drain (because you won't fit!), to divorce and war.

10. He was an Ivy League dropout. Rogers moved from Dartmouth to Rollins College to pursue his studies in music.

11. He composed all the songs on the show, and over 200 tunes.

12. He was a perfectionist, and disliked ad libbing. He felt he owed it to children to make sure every word on his show was thought out.

13. Michael Keaton got his start on the show as an assistant. He helped puppeteer and operate the trolley.

14. Several characters on the show are named for his family. Queen Sara is named after Rogers' wife, and the postman Mr. McFeely is named for his maternal grandfather who always talked to him like an adult, and reminded young Fred that he made every day special just by being himself. Sound familiar? It was the same way Mister Rogers closed every show.

15. The sweaters. Every one of the cardigans he wore on the show had been hand-knit by his mother.

all my exes live in . . . new mexico?

2008-07-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

last night i took a particularly hard call on my rape crisis center shift. they are all hard calls. but this one lasted more than an hour, and was so parallel to some of my own experiences, that it hurt me deeply. . . it invaded my dreams. she said that she'll never be the same. she's dead and he killed her. i know.
i see his face on a lot of people. every couple of weeks i will freak out and think that he's found me and lives in albuquerque. i'll search the internet trying to find a trace of him. i'll panic and cry and deal, and forget. then he pops up again, and i'm back where i started. i've learned to shelve away my reaction when this happens. it's PTSD, and it's a fuckin bitch, but i can't flip out everytime i think i see a man that looks even remotely similar to him. this morning anna and i were walking to the grower's market, and a yellow vw van drove by slow as hell, and the guy in there was staring at me. i thought it was him, for sure, this time.
but i brushed it off and we cracked hilarious hippie jokes and continued on, and had a really wonderful day. we went to the grower's market, picking up fresh garlic and shallots and potatoes. i got this amazing goat cheese, and a loaf of moist, delicious bread from my client's friend's french bakery. we went to the library and picked out photography books for the art group i will be starting in august. we looked through vogue pattern books and i got a library card-FINALLY.
my heart was racing from my morning iced java and lack of sleep, so i cleaned all day.
i made little cheesecake mini bites. i had a ham and cheese wrap from punk rock pizza for dinner.
vic and i watched "night of the creeps".
and then i remembered. vic suggested i look him up on the metro court web site. nothing. i looked him up on the district court site. fuck. my heart slammed around in my chest, and i couldn't breathe for a few seconds.
he's in las cruces, dudes. . . he's here.
i'm terrified.
vic asked me gently, what i thought would happen if i saw him. he brought up good points, like how long it's been since we were together, and that maybe nothing would come of it.
his charge is a felony for drug trafficking. last month. nothing's changed.
i knew it, i KNEW i had seen him somewhere. i have felt him, like i felt him at my grad school commencement 2 weeks after he had almost killed me.
and it's not even that he is still in love with me, or anything like that. it's not about that. it's about control- it's about his totally fractured state of mind- and it's about the fact that he probably wouldn't be able to handle seeing me, just like i can't handle seeing him. two different reasonings behind that, but it's a shared truth.
he could be a sober, married, religious, and fucking reborn man, and i would still be terrified. that is what someone takes away from you, when they violate you and abuse you in ways you would never tell ANYONE about- your freedom, your ability to walk down the street without fucking flinching at the thought of them. . . i wonder if i will look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
i hope it wasn't him. i hope i will never see him again, and i'll abandon my treatment over incarceration stance temporarily so that he rots in jail, for a long time. the heart of me knows that he needs medication and serious mental help, but it's not my fucking problem. i just want to be in my house and marry my boyfriend and LIVE. for years i have quietly believed that he would kill me one day. most women who come out of similar situations live with that dread lurking in the back of their minds, putting a damper on the happiest days; it resurfaces so forcefully sometimes. i'm a fucking survivor and it's going to take a lot to bring me down. but it's always possible.
they move on to the next victim, the next girl they will treat like garbage and defile and destroy. they lock up the precious memory of us in their box of filth and remember us when they want to- maybe to relive a particularly memorable moment we shared. WE don't have that luxury.
we always remember. and we're never gonna be the same.

monsoon season

2008-07-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

its been raining SO MUCH lately!! and poor gabe is about to have a seizure every day, with all the thunder and lightning striking fear into his little beagle heart.
ive watched a lot of movies lately-

cashback- a really beautiful, romantic movie. highly recommend it!!
hellboy 2- decent.
the happening- horrid. if he meant it to be like the twilight zone, then hooray! but somehow i doubt thats what he was going for.
wanted- LOVED it!! the keyboard scene is my favorite part. angelina jolie's appearance just startled me. she is disappearing before our eyes. :(

work has been GREAT. fucking awesome. i love this job.
susan is coming to visit me, and i'm planning all of our activities!
i'm planning to have a big housewarming/welcome susan party, and i'm excited to get the place all fixed up.
i have had a raging desire for green chile enchiladas, ice cream, and los cuates salsa, everyday.
summer here is a lot of fun, but the rain everyday kinda sucks.
this past weekend vic, anna, and i went to the tinkertown museum. it was SO fun. this artist spent 40 years putting the museum together as a hobby, and its full of antiques and oddities and charm. there is such a spirit of individuality, creativity, and heart there. i felt at home. i'll post pics soon.
life seems to be falling into place. . . thats a dangerous statement. . . i hear clients say that right before their lives fall apart. . . but everything feels good right now.

oh those bbq days of summer

2008-07-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

saturday we had a client bbq at roosevelt park. it was really nice minus that part when the grill almost blew up. it was a gorgeous day out, and i wore my new fave orange summer dress.
then that afternoon we headed over to reena's in santa fe for her bbq! it was really fun, and i made queso and peanut butter pie. anna and zak came too, and we enjoyed my sister's newly landscaped yard. and her silly dogs. mike made the best potato salad i have EVER had- russet potatoes, blue cheese, chives, buttermilk, bacon. . . HEAVEN. another guest made ambrosia salad, which consists of some variation of cool whip, a chocolate/toffee bar, and fruit. yumm!! today we saw hellboy, which was visually awesome and SO del toro!! and then i went to the mall. i am extremely happy about my purchases! i spent about $80 and got pants, 2 skirts, 2 tops, a pair of yellow suede flats, and 4 pairs of earrings!! i REALLY needed some more work gear, i'm getting pretty sick of panicking every morning as i pick clothes up off the floor and desperately try to get dog hair off them. i also got my favorite meal of an auntie anne's pretzel and boba tea.
an interesting fact i learned this week: the bite of a brown recluse basically eats away your flesh. brown recluse= evil.
another interesting fact: roaches in jamaica are huge, red, fly, and land on people. jamaica= evil. also evil for the rampant homophobia.

looking forward to my 4th week of work tomorrow! xoxo

yay its weekend time!

2008-07-11T14:35:00.001-07:00

so week three has ended.
i REALLY like this job. it's a strange new feeling i have never felt before.
tuesday at the dpa even,t i decided to be stupid and have like 6 different types of incredibly strong mixed drinks. i started stumbling and slurring and this was all in front of my sisters co workers! yikes. i then annoyed vic on the ride home by shouting YOUUUUUU!! soulja boy style, and collapsed in bed crying about how sick i was going to be. i think i passed out in about 2 seconds.
last night i had a crazy sci fi futuristic dream with harry potter, ginny weasley, ali, and myself as the main characters. its one of those dreams that makes me wake up with a smile on my face, wishing it could continue on! and also, thinking that i love my weird ass brain sometimes.
you should love your weird ass brain too.
xoxo

cupid draw back your bow

2008-07-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

hello all,
things are well in sheila-land. work is scary and exciting and new.
i am way behind on birthday greetings and decorating.
i think i am spray painting my wicker chairs a nice teal.
yesterday i had a lovely4th, giving the dogs a bath and cleaning house. zak and anna came over for my mole potato enchiladas and strawberry shortcake.
its been just fantastic sleeping in the past two mornings. today vic's friend is coming to visit, and i am headed over to beeps in nob hill for some birthday cards.
my arms are sore as hell from lifting a giant hutch into a truck (some donations for my work). like seriously, i am not cut out for manual labor because i have still not quite mastered lifting with the knees and not the back.
it hurts.
ali has been posting some fuckin amazing recipes at yum yum cooking club. please read this, immediately. and rejoice in the splendor that is ali.
this week the drug policy alliance is having an event in albuquerque, so i will be going to that. . .
the person i am replacing will be leaving on monday, so after that i will be organizing the office with all the power that OCD gives me.
its been a good week. . . how's yours?

you grow up and

2008-06-28T12:22:00.000-07:00

leave home. you fall in love, an insane crazy love.
he doesn't love you back.

you spend the summer in the land of enchantment. it is so hot there that you are burning up inside, your skin changes colors, you write endlessly and feel everything.
you fall in love again. this time it's for real.

a man moves across the country for you.

you are shocked. you are SO SO in love. to some degree you are really just trying to convince yourself, to deal with the crazy situation you have been thrown into. but really, you haven't been thrown into it- you asked for it, you invited it, you reveled in the pure insanity and chaos of it all.

you live in hell.
your life has reached such a low point you don't know where you even are, in the universe. you scream and no one hears, but you scream quietly to make sure no one hears.
you want to die, for real. you're already dead but let's make it official.
you reach the seemingly endless bottom of the grave and decide to claw out of it.

you start over.
you make a strange little life for yourself, that consists of tents and notebooks and mad dog bottles and falling asleep with cigarettes.
its new and happy and devastating and true.

you fall in love.
it's hopeless and lonely, and normal and so abnormal.
he hurts you more than you have ever been hurt before, because he is That One and That Other One and HIM and every crushed dream you had along the way, rolled into one.
so you meet other boys.
they break your heart and you like to think that maybe you break some hearts along the way too.

you meet this one boy.
he is different.
you realize you had never truly been loved by a man, ever, until him.
you realize that it's possible for something to be pure, still, like the love you have for him.

a man moves across the country for you.
you are blessed and somewhat cured, and grateful.
you grow up

only in my dreams. . .

2008-06-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

a bear.
a riddle.
"mirrored in the sky, the son of zeus."

callisto and arcas.

weird.

so the past week, i had my training, and honestly, i am exhausted. everyone has been great to me, but its incredibly overwhelming. there is just so much to learn. i can't believe its only been 5 days. i have one more week with the girl i am replacing, and then i am on my own. whoa. scared.
last night we cleaned out the old house for like 4 hours, came home and CRASHED. had my weird dreams.
today anna and i are going to the cradle project and i'm really excited to see it again. check out the link. there are some beautiful pieces. that's about it for the weekend, other than even MORE unpacking and stuffz. hopefully tomorrow i will be hitting up barnes and noble, then the coronado mall for an auntie anne's pretzel and boba tea (my favorite meal). xoxo

3 days till freedom is over!

2008-06-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

i start my job on monday, but i have to admit, i am READY to go back to work. there were some great things about being unemployed. . . plenty of time for cooking and sleeping, rewatching seasons of buffy, buying things on craigslist, and having time to find a new place. the negatives far outweigh the positives though- i feel sluggish and unmotivated without a schedule, and i'm sick of doing housework and unpacking. i'm like a little ADD child who absolutely has to have some kind of schedule and routine, or i just go insane. i do feel really lucky i had this whole week off to unpack and get the house semi organized. i've just been running errands this past week. this weekend we have to clean out the old place, and i'm hoping to see my sister tomorrow.
note: i HATE the yasmin commercials. WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! hey, shut the fuck up! yasmin is just an incredibly overpriced pill that is extremely similar to other pills- there are SO many types of pills that i think it's possible to find one that works for you, without having to shell out something like $65 a pack. you may as well use the nuva ring, which clocks in around $55. thanks bush adminstration!! but basically, don't believe the hype.
2nd note: apparently from my neighborhood, i can hear lions roaring at the zoo, and seals making. . .their noises, whatever those are called.
3rd note: the kids that live in the house behind us have a fucking POOL, and i'm sick of hearing their sounds of ecstasy as they splash and play all day. i was highly annoyed to chase gabe to the fence and see three little naked boys with their faces pressed against the fence, staring at me. gross. they also decided to throw a CD and a toy over the fence. little fuckers.

listening to: "sheila take a bow", the smiths; "sara", fleetwood mac

fucking morning

2008-06-18T08:46:00.001-07:00

i wake up from my benadryl induced haze this morning, stumble out of bed, eat my Oh's cereal. vic calls, says that our landlord packed the trashcan too much and our trash is all over the road. oh fucking great. albuquerque doesn't have actual garbage men, just these neat trucks that pick up the garbage cans, raise them into the air and dump the trash in the back of the truck. so our stupid trashcan was too heavy for the poor little fork lift thingie. fuck. i also have to do laundry and clean up some dog poo in the yard. FUCKING GREAT!!!
sorry, i am cranky. . . in happier news, we moved into our new place. it is beautiful and SO not oppressive and just a good place to be. xox

i sincerely hope

2008-06-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

that this man gets his puzzles!! because he pretty much made my night. click the image and this link to see the desperation.

weekend assignment

2008-06-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

i better not be on this thang this weekend, because i have to move!!

tonight the indigo girls are playing at the albuquerque zoo- unfortunately, it's sold out and also gay pride weekend here! so i don't think i'll be able to get tickets for me and reen.
i loved their first couple of albums, my sister turned me onto them in like 7th grade and i still truly appreciate their beautiful harmonies, amazing lyrics, and activism. i haven't listened to anything they've done in the last 8-10 years, but i'm sure it's still solid as hell. they are also from my hometown of decatur! i listened to them all day yesterday and had a fun singalong.

this youtube video is REALLY old, of them performing "kid fears", which is a song that means a LOT to me personally. a much younger michael stipe comes in at the end and i love his little lamb bleating voice. makes me homesick for georgia to watch this!

please watch as your weekend assignment.

vegas revisited pt 3

2008-06-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

ill end my vegas trip posts with some random pics and observations.

bellagio fountains- free, touristy, pretty

me and my boy

me posin at one of the many fountains in vegas

beautiful nike of samothrace outside caesars palace- i do plan to get nike as a tattoo one day

bill's saloon looked awesome, we never went in though

caesars palace also had about every designer store you could imagine!! it was amazing and kind of intimidating. these roses were on a canopy outside a store and they were sooo beautiful-

killer agent provacateur window display, complete with a bridal gown in a noose and scissors in a wedding cake

stars of the riviera hotel

me with mr. pinchy

vic with mr. pinchy

vegas is a fucking blast. . i made about $85 on the slots and spent like 300 times that on food, drinks etc. but it was a nice short vacation, and i can't wait to go back!! i also started a collection of these prostitute cards that men hand out on the strip. xoxo

vegas revisited pt 2

2008-06-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

day two. we pretty much went to every hotel on the strip and checked out their casinos and stores. here's some pics:

a creature at mandalay bay

me by the luxor

i had wanted to stay at the luxor because i love all things egyptian, but i read bad reviews of it (plus it was pricey). then i stayed at circus circus, and realized i was a fool. but like circus circus, its on the far end of the strip. i think its better to stay in the middle.

here's new york new york!

we stopped here for a giant margarita and a pretzel.
now we arrive at my favorite thing in vegas ever.

the mgm lion exhibit!!

this is my new friend portia (and courtney, i'm not kidding about her name) and she came bounding up to the window to say holla!! the lions live on a ranch, and come to the exhibit for a few hours a day. they apparently love it in there because it is both scent proof and sound proof. thus, no agitation from the hordes of annoying people like myself that come to ooh and ahh at them.
lions sleep 18-20 hours a day, so they were tired.

check out these paws!!

this is bijou

sleepy time!!

umm. .. . why don't i have this job?! why didn't someone say to me as a child, "sheila, you love animals?? here's what you do to work with them!! now do it!!"

i took about a million pics of these guys, but i won't subject you to anymore.
the ceiling of the wynn or the bellagio, i can't remember (all dale chihuly glass art)

our waitress at the bellagio was so old and cute and wanted to take our picture. this looks like our engagement announcement in a local periodical.

vegas revisted pt 1

2008-06-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

day one. our flight is at 6 am. the night before i had gleefully packed almost everything i own into my alice pack, with different outfits picked out for different occasions/hours. we staggered out of bed and drove to the airport, which is luckily only like 5 minutes away. we had a stop in phoenix and i ate some m&ms for breakfast.
this is me with no makeup on, and a puffy face.
i'll admit to being cranky at this point. i hate getting up early and i hate flying. flying is improved a million percent by having vic with me + not having to sit next to any babies, but still, it sucks.

going to vegas is like visiting some magical land with fake "culture"(it's egypt, greece, italy, and every other country in the world, all at once!!), amazing food, hot women, and consumerism all shoved down your throat at once. its not unpleasant, but its a lot to take in and swallow. its pretty awesome, if you can look at it objectively, and just let go.

we got to our dive-y ass hotel and attempted to check in. shelley, our helpful circus circus representative was one of the most clueless people i have ever seen, and couldn't locate any record of our reservation. we got some breakfast, where i snapped at poor vic and the poor orbitz woman. we get back in the check in line, which takes us about 45 min to get to the front. we stand there keeping our fingers desperately crossed that we won't get shelley again. this time we get carina, but with the same result. i snap that i am not getting back in line, and we manage to get things resolved. our room was pretty nice. my only real requirement for a vacation room is that it has a giant fluffy king bed that i can thrash around on. check!

we showered and slept for a while, then got incredibly excited and walked the strip. i think this was a mistake- the next time, i would hang at the pool and lounge till like 5 or 6, then get going, to avoid the extreme heat. everything there is open so late! also, vegas is not just casinos and strip shows- there are lions. lots of them. and i love them all. that day we saw sigfried and roys lion exhibit at the mirage, with dolphins as well. these are probably the most beautiful lions i have ever seen. the male had a HUGE mane and was more white than golden, with big green eyes. i do hate sigfried and roy, and whichever one got eaten got what he deserved, pretty much. then we had dinner at mon ami gabi at paris, where we had the best mussels of all time, and my new favorite appetizer, baked cheese and tomato, which is a hunk of goat cheese surrounded by tomato and basil mixture. SO GOOD!!
that night we saw the ooh la la burlesque show at paris, which was fantastic!! the girls started their routine with "bad boyfriend" by garbage, which made me incredibly happy. they each had their own talent going on- one girl did a hoop thing, one was a gymnast, one a ballet dancer in black leather toe shoes, one sang a lounge version of viva las vegas, one did a magic act. they were all super cute and fun. they also came out at one point dancing with pink rifles, which warmed my heart. there was something for everyone- a really great bondage act, a fashion show. . . there was a total douche sitting next to me who was so drunk he actually FELL on me coming back to his seat. vic shouted at him, he apologized, i retreated as far into vic's side as possible in my repulsion. the guy also seemed to think that the girls liked him personally. . .yeah, i'm sure they do, buddy.
i would highly recommend going to this show-it was cheap too!
we went back to our hotel and headed to the slots o fun casino next door. this place was totally shitty and totally fun.
i went straight for the slots, and vic headed to the $2 craps table. another thing about vegas- this free drinks at casino thing is definitely blown out of proportion. it takes forever for someone to come over to you, and then its going to take forever to get your next drink- drinks were sooo expensive too! so i think that its good to hit up places with drink specials and not count on the free drinks too much, unless you are playing the tables at a super nice casino (which someone like me is not).
so ends day 1.

note: these pics are all distorted from photobucket, sorry!

listening to oblivians- big black hole, jenny lewis and the watson twins

thorns in roses

2008-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

soon i'm going to have to change the tagline of this blog. i start my new job june 23rd!! i am genuinely excited. . .
now i'm hungry and off to eat some los cuates salsa. oh east coasters, i have to send you some of this stuff!!
today we're moving more boxes over to the new house and going out to eat to celebrate!! xoxo

listening to the album guitar romantic- exploding hearts

holla heres a terrorist fist jab

2008-06-10T20:36:00.001-07:00

if you don't know what this post title refers to, please google "terrorist fist jab" immediately for laughs.

I GOT ANOTHER JOB OFFER!!!! whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! and its two blocks from my house. sorry mortuary!!

worked the exchange tonight, really enjoyed it. we had clothes outside the van for people to take. one woman declared that she was going to find something for her slutty daughter, and wondered what fucking clothes her slutty daughter would wear. she turned down several things, citing the fact that her daughter was a slut and would not wear these things. it was pretty hilarious.

also, can i say that i HATE when people (particularly men) touch my tattoos who i've met once, or never. . . back the fuck off unless you are a pretty girl, one of my friends, or have a present for me. stop trying to analyze what they all mean, stop drilling me about them, and stop being so nosy. i'll tell you in time, if you give me a chance to not think of you as a stranger. but what's with the touching?! i didn't get tattoos to provoke a reaction- they are solely for me and my artistic sensibilities, and not a reason for strangers to touch me without permission!! grrr.
*i do appreciate nice comments though!! hehe*

when it rains it fucking pours

2008-06-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

at 1:00 vic comes home so i can have the car
i need to go to target and get some business attire- unfortunately when i left pittsburgh, i also tossed out EVERY single blazer/business outfit i owned.
4:00 spur of the moment interview with crossroads for a similar case manager position
5:00-8:00 needle exchange in the van

tomorrow
9:00 2 hr interview with mortuary
go to the MVD to get a NM license 10 months after moving here
2:30 interview at spa

listening to the shins- "new slang"; team dresch- "hate the christian right"
watching absentmindedly- "the dog whisperer"

my sweet tooth has burned a hole

2008-06-09T15:13:00.001-07:00

i haven't been posting much due to a successful job interview (whoo hoo!!) and my impending move. i interviewed with a group called susan's legacy a few weeks ago for a case manager position for women with co-occurring disorders. i was REALLY into it, but they never called me. turns out that they weren't dialing 412 in front of my number, and have been fruitlessly trying to get ahold of me for days lol. i am almost 100% sure i'm going to take the job, except i also have a mortuary receptionist job interview!! and one at a spa. so we'll see what happens!! we are starting to move into our new place. . . i will post pics asap. that is my life at the moment- that and running away from roaches. xo

vegas can wait

2008-06-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

i saw x tonight in santa fe. it was one of the best shows i have ever been to- i haven't felt like that at a show in a LONG time. i bounced around and danced and sang like i used to, i shoved and pushed and fought my way to the front, got kissed by billy zoom, and shared some smiles with exene. it was an amazing night, and my knees are all bruised to show for it.

hi!

2008-06-06T12:01:00.001-07:00

hi! i'm back. vegas was fantastic and exhausting. i will have a huge post with lots of pics soon.
for now, i'm too sleepy to do much but say HI!
oh and tonight is the x show in santa fe. which makes this the greatest week i've had in a long time!
2 interviews next week.
xoxo

viva las vegas!!

2008-06-02T19:30:00.001-07:00

sheila's intelligent side: that is a really unoriginal blog post title, sheil.
excited vegas going sheil's response:*meow meow meow meow*

today started out very stressful, because of waiting for our soon-to-be landlord to contact us to finalize the deal. but he did call, we did sign, and we now live in downtown abq!! well in name at least. the moving process will take a couple of weeks.
i had a heartbreaking separation from my dogs at the kennel. alaira sat down and vic had to literally push her to the kennel lady. it was soooo sad. i cry every time i drive away from the kennel, thinking about my babies tormenting the other doggies (and being tormented). i also imagine that by day 2, they have forgotten my identity and what happiness ever felt like. day 3 might be a hell dimension. day 4 is like a desert with no end in sight. and pick up time is. . . back to normal!!
anyway, we are off to vegas tomorrow morn and i am excited, like out of my mind. i am also packing a ridiculous amount of clothes for 3 days. i figure this is my chance to show off anything in my wardrobe that i am proud of, that i generally don't get a chance to wear in super casual albuquerque. i can't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!! this is cheeseball, but i might have to record all my outfits and share them with you, readers. i know my airplane outfit consists of skinny jeans, sandals, my pittsburgh slacker store black tank, "lucky" bracelet from forever 21, and leopard print earrings. is anyone else interested in talking outfits?? cause seriously, it's so fun.
i'm sure i will have tons of debauchery to report back to you on friday. see you then, and i'll try not to die of alcohol poisoning or something along those lines. xoxo

all roaches must die

2008-06-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

i am freakin exhausted after spending the day in santa fe with my family. the girls went engagement ring shopping at the plaza while the boys did boy things. trying on an $80k ring for kicks is pretty fucking fun. we had a lovely day with my sister and brother in law, which ended with my fave summer treat- strawberry shortcake.
yesterday i went to a cool crafts fair, trekked around town with anna, and got some boba tea. watched sweeney todd, applied for a bunch of jobs, drank some gin and tonics.
and yes, all roaches must die, because they make me want to die, and destroy what destroys you, right?
this post is dedicated to the old cashier at smith's, who always insists on smiling, being incredibly friendly, and kind, no matter how grumpy or wayward we are.

victory is mine

2008-05-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

i will be spending the next year in a beautiful house downtown, with a huge kitchen (with a frickin dishwasher!!), 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a big sun room, big living room, a doggie door, and a big grassy yard. i am SO excited!!!

facebook, panic, and sneezing fits

2008-05-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

ok. i admit it. it's really starting to get to me. yesterday in the job search, i found a new job posting for the substance abuse counseling agency i had interviewed with- for the same job. so basically, they would rather have no one than me. . . i don't think i would have wanted the job anyway, but it stings, you know? i also got a rejection letter from CNM for a job i would have been more than qualified for. i dont know what to do. . .
but in other news, i slept through the night last night, which is a huge accomplishment for me, considering that the past 2 weeks i have tossed and turned ALL FUCKING NIGHT. night is basically my personal hell now. it's interesting that my sleeping issues have gotten to this point. in high school, i had horrible tweaker insomnia, where i stayed up more nights than i actually slept. it was also an incredibly creative and artistic time for me, where i wrote, crafted, and produced more art than i have in my life. so i have a nostalgic longing for that, and also a relief that it's over. then during period of depression later in life, all i wanted to do was sleep.
now my allergies and stress and discomfort make sleeping really hard. and it's not some crazy artistic dream come true. . . it's more just a waste of my body's resources and time. but anyway. as i mentioned in a previous post, walmart has an incredible allergy section. i picked up special allergen-fighting eyedrops, a neti pot (which is fantastic and gross and makes me feel like i am drowning, but also being cleansed), nasal spray, and a variety of pills to heal me. the nasal spray seems to really be doing the trick. it burns my nose for hours, but it makes sleeping a hell of lot more happy. hopefully my passages won't collapse from overuse. . . is that even how that works, dr. bobo??
i think my slew of allergies also has a lot to do with the fact that we don't have a door on our bedroom, thanks to my wonder dog extraordinaire, alaira beara anthony. yeah, she chewed my door off. ours is a dangerous and strange love, with my possessions as chew toys and her teef as weapons of destruction to everything i hold dear- or just take for a granted. like a fucking door.
the dogs sprawl out on our bed day after day and have pretty much filled the room with their strange odors and spiky little hairs. i clean as much as i can, which is not much, and try to ignore the fact that the allergens are creating an almost corporeal being. it just needs a few more patches of fur to LIVE
another thing i've been thinking about is this spectacle called facebook. facebook makes me feel a little more crazy than usual, like crazy uncomfortable. i don't like seeing the forgotten faces of people that made me feel like shit or sad or inspired major hatred in me. i pretty much severely disliked everyone at my high school except for my little tribe of outcasts, that i still love more than life itself. however, it has been really, really nice to reconnect with some kids on there, that were cool as hell in high school and seem to be pretty cool still.
i guess it's really weird to recall that freshman and sophomore year i called certain people "friends" and talked to them on the phone regularly, etc, yet by senior year they would not even look in my direction. i probably wouldn't look in theirs either, i'm not blameless. but still, it's strange to see the lives of these people represented in their profiles, and their pictures of new friends, new homes, and new cities.
this one girl that i had a "friendship" with has been updating her mood with things like, "in mourning", "value your friendships", etc. the human, empathic part of me wants to send her an impersonal but personal message like "hang in there. death sucks and i'm sorry" but the reasonable part of myself wonders why i would ever do that in a million years, considering our friendship was brief and not anything remotely important, and she probably barely remembers who i am. .
or even weirder to see someone like *j* on facebook, who was one of my best, best friends in 8th grade, yet morphed into a strange cheerleader/snob/flirt/mindless/soulless/idiot by the end of high school, and didn't speak to me after 9th grade anyway. we are now facebook friends, and though her pictures show a fraternity house lifestyle, her pretty awesome occupation and education speak otherwise. it makes me a little relieved to know that people can hang onto some parts of themselves always, like their radical intelligence, even while being surrounded by extreme stupidity and dimwittery (no, i don't think that's a word). but what do i know about what she has been through in the past 8 years? nothing. and she knows nothing about me. but now we are "friends." i think i'm reading too much into this, too.
i see sooo many people married with children, and it freaks me out. i'm still young. . . we're all still young. . . i often think to myself that at heart, i am still the wild little punk kid who wrote all night and just dreamed of leaving, and living a crazy life. . . but i'm sure others would say otherwise, and i understand why. i have changed tremendously, in that i chose to walk away from the destructiveness that governed most of my life. i'm not an old soul in a young body- i feel old, a lot of the time, but i also pretty much just feel like my AGE now. i have made a lot of positive choices that the teenage me would never have made. so i guess what is strange to me about facebook is that i'm seeing everyone in a superficial way- an internet profile- that still reflects their own journey and changes, in the simplest ways, like in musical taste- people from st. pius x catholic high school like tom waits and leonard cohen? and anything remotely "punk" or "indie"? are they trying to trick me, so i'll comment on that and then they can laugh at me for being weird? ah, there she is. high school sheila still lurks within.

listening to "naive"-the rentals, "stay monkey"- julie ruin

still on cloud nine

2008-05-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

after a wonderful dinner last night with my sister at the nob hill bar and grill. it specializes in swanky bar food. i got duck enchiladas in this amazing mole sauce with queso blanco, a peach chutney, and a cheddar rice patty. for dessert, we shared the chocolate bomb, which was a long plate with 3 desserts- first, a small flourless chocolate cake; second, a scoop of GUINESS ice cream with chocolate on it; third, a scoop of vanilla ice cream with jameson sauce. SO freakin amazing. i always feel very inspired after a great meal. i also had a fantastic drink there called the 108- margarita mix, coke, and gentleman jack.
i'm also intrigued by lisa's peanut butter mashed potatoes on top chef last night.
maybe i'll do some cooking today.

listening to "hawthorne"- that dog, "brendan #1"- fugazi

you may notice

2008-05-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

some small changes. particularly my image, which was a little too confident, snazzy, and well lit for my liking. i chose to upload a more appropriate and relevant image to my current state of mind, featuring disheveled hair, a shiny forehead, and a gloomy wink to combat my general despair.

i'm also going to start talking about music on here- the songs i listened to while writing this/customizing the blog were
"don't talk"- the beach boys
"rock the 40 oz"- leftover crack

will work for lots of money

2008-05-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

so. . . its been exactly 18 days that i have been unemployed. cracks are starting to form in my happy go lucky demeanor and possibly some chinks are forming in my armor. seeing the numbers dwindling down in the bank account is not helping matters. i keep trying to reassure myself that i'm doing about 1-2 interviews a week, applying for jobs on a daily basis. . . but why isn't anyone calling me? i'm like a scorned one night stand again, longing for more than just that initial contact.
yesterday was a really good day, however. i worked my first volunteer shift with the syringe exchange here. it's really different, because its on a van. it's very casual, very quick, and a one for one exchange. the people who work on the van are freakin awesome and made me feel very welcome. i'm looking forward to continuing with them. check YUM YUM COOKING CLUB later today for my easy bahn mi recipe!

thirsty girl

2008-05-27T11:59:00.001-07:00

goal for this week: to drink as much water as i can. i have been having horrible allergies and headaches and i really, really need more water.

today i
-got my teef cleaned
-went to walmart

the "went to walmart" deserves its own little section here.

i hate walmart. however, i also don't deny the fact that it is incredibly cheap and has everything ALL in one place. so usually about two to three times a year i will venture there, and have my hatred affirmed by the total chaos of screaming children, huge lines, and general exploitation going on. in pittsburgh, susan and i would go there once a year or so and get visibly agitated as we navigated the endless aisles and families and junk. we would leave grateful for our walmart-free lives, and vow never to return, or we might kill ourselves.
vic and i went to walmart probably in february, and got some outdoor stuff there. it was a relatively painless trip, and i was almost panicked by this fact. what if walmart starts to seem ok?? what will happen to me?!
this trip started the same way. wow, all the allergy stuff is right when you walk in!! this makeup section is HUGE! there's just so much stuff. . . . and that's when i started to lose it. there is a great excitement that comes with seeing SO MUCH FREAKIN STUFF everywhere. . . and then i realize i can't find a goddamn thing, so all that excess stuff starts to close in on me and have fangs, and everything gets all crazy. i wandered around for at least 15 minutes looking for the goddamn pur filters. they were in the paint section. WHY? i also noticed a startling amount of memorial flower crosses and wreaths (like the ones at the site of an accident) throughout the store. depressing. by the time i had ravaged my bank account and checked out, i was feeling on edge and slightly homicidal.
i will remember this next time i need to buy food in bulk, or a new vacuum cleaner, or bizarre stone statues that look like frogs, a sombrero, and a cowboy boot.
GO ELSEWHERE.

happy nights in albuquerque

2008-05-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

the amazing b-na feasting on some corn +

anna and mona +

good friends and laughs = a happy bbq

oh memorial day weekend!!!

2008-05-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

yesterday we went to the rattlesnake museum in oldtown and marveled at all the different types of beautiful snakes. . . they also had some amazing tortugas and i want them all!!

we had lunch at the church st. cafe, which is apparently one of the oldest buildings in albuquerque.
i got a new tattoo- it says "the only salvation is in struggle," with

some significant dates for me underneath. it's based on a russian criminal tattoo from one of the coolest books ever. i am obsessed with prison tattoos and particularly these russian criminal tattoos. they are beautiful and incredible and crass and SO full of meaning. raw art.
my tattoo artist is the tiniest girl i have ever seen, super cute and nice. when i hugged her goodbye, i felt like a mama hen enveloping her young. part of me winced inside, part of me thought that it's one extremely nice thing about being a larger lady, even if i am incredibly short. i feel PRESENT and take up some space in this world. hey, whatever it takes to get us all through these days.
then we came home and watched cloverfield, which was freakin awesome!! becky, you need to see it asap if you haven't already. it made me panic a little bit about my own mortality. certain random movies or incidents tend to do that to me. all in all, an excellent monster movie.
i have been sleeping REALLY badly lately- i think a combination of allergies, worries, and restlessness. So basically, I had one big gin and tonic and passed out immediately. woke up at 3 am to a documentary called 30 days, by morgan spurlock. it was about a straight homophobic dude living in the castro for 30 days. i don't know what the conclusion was. i think it would be optimistic bordering on crazy to think that he changed his views, but i hope so. had another sleepless night. gabe is crashed on the couch snoozing his little beagle heart out, vic and alaira are still cuddled up in bed, and i am typing away to you, wishing i could sleep. oh, and i had a cupcake.
today there is a bbq at zak and anna's. enjoy your day!
edit: 30 Days is actually a tv show where someone is immersed in a culture they are completely unfamiliar with. cool! hopefully not too exploitative! heh. . . hmm.

something to think about

2008-05-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

from my "self" magazine:

a grin and bear it mentality is one way to win points with your boss, but it may make your head pound. a new study from britain's university college london found that women who felt underappreciated and overworked were 23% more likely to develop migraines than their more content peers.

SO true. the times in my life i have experienced migraines were definitely due to job related stress. i am so happy to have moved on from a job that was making me physically sick.
today we're going to the rattlesnake museum!! and i get tattooed at 4. xox happy weekend!

brrr

2008-05-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

it is a gorgeous, grey and windy day in albuquerque. i can appreciate days like this now, because i don't deal with them very often. yesterday was pretty schizo, with a hail storm one hour, bright sunshine the next. i took laira and gabe to the vet yesterday. gabe amused the other dog moms and dads in the waiting room with his incessant howling and posturing, while alaira merely frightened everyone with her raised fur and pulling. they both got shots, heartworm tests, and finally, microchipped. and my grand total was . . . $377. goddamn!! my heart certainly skipped several beats.
later i went to my ayurvedic follow up. i had a consultation about a month ago, where this really great student at the ayurvedic school took my pulse, studied my skin, asked me a million questions, and looked at my posture. so she told me i had too much water and earth- creating "mud" that could explain my lack of focus, clarity, overweight, etc. so in order to keep my kapha (water) in balance, i need to avoid certain food, try different breathing exercises, etc. i'm very intrigued and it makes a lot of sense to me. i am a huge believer in alternative medicine, if this could even be called that- ayurveda is a 5000 year old medical practice. i'm currently in a a state of vikruti- "The combination of elements that a person evolves to embody after being exposed and responding to the conditions of their life", meaning imbalance. i 100% agree. it was very interesting.
i had an interview for a case manager job for women with co-ocurring disorders. seriously, my dream population to work with right there. so i get to the interview, after driving through a hail storm, steel myself, walk in. the woman who interviewed me had apparently not seen my resume before hand, so she said, "hmmm. . . well anyone looking at this resume would think you are completely unqualified for the job." ouch. should i walk out? what now? but then she continued on, rather awkwardly, "but i believe that people's experiences and personalities matter more. so talk to me about my concerns." she then brought in the clinical director, who loved me. so we'll see what happens with that.
ended the day with the indiana jones movie and step it up and dance. step it up and dance was far superior, to be quite honest.

these might be

2008-05-21T15:46:00.001-07:00

the greatest men alive.

rescue ink

a day of culinary delights

2008-05-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

im off to ghetto smiths to pick up some things for the week. today for lunch i plan to make a potato enchilada type deal, with the potato stuffing similar to a samosa. tonight for dinner, i'm making fried calamari, scallops, and shrimp. i'm hoping to make some yellow cupcakes for dessert. then i'm off to the bosque trail in the evening, and so ends another great day in the burque.
xoxo

i know they're stolen but i don't feel bad

2008-05-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

i'm having some major issues with my spacebar so if you seethis, there is areason for it. right now i'm brainstorming with my east coast girls about a cooking club. . . not much on the agenda for today. maybe a trip to the post office and mirai express for sushi. last night we went to the mall and got boba tea, played lots of mario kart, and fell asleep. i woke up around 3 to vic frantically brushing himself off because he thought there was a bug on him. i spent the next 2 hours imagining bugs on myself, huddled up in misery. today i probably will just clean more and make some cupcakes. tomorrow will be busy as hell- i have an interview for a case manager position, the dogs have a vet appt, and i have my ayurvedic consultation followup appt. i'm sure i'll have an interesting story about laira trying to take a chunk out of a chihuahua to share with you tomorrow evening.

today in pictures

2008-05-20T14:30:00.001-07:00

note: i failed to take a picture of the evil gaiam exercise ball. it bested me.
cleaning...

gabe is pretty fuckin cute.

gabe o. pants is his name!

interviews

2008-05-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

ah interviews, how i hate thee. i had one for a part time office assistant at a music school this morning. hmm, a little too familiar huh?? but hey, its just part time. the person who interviewed me was an older possibly russian woman who was incredibly nice but very brief. she kind of shooed me out, so i don't have much hope for it. i'm also not hiding my tattoos for jobs anymore. i wore a cute 3/4 sleeve jacket but you could still see the many tattoos, and i'm thinking granny didn't like them. such is life. i'll hide them for the greatest job of all time.
my last interview was for an office manager for a substance abuse counseling agency. i thought it would be the best job ever, but the interview showed that it would have been very PPesque. i hate when the interviewer offers no direction or leadership- ask me some goddamn questions, please.
in more interesting news, a bunch of former PPNM people contacted an affiliate from PPFA to represent us to the board and the CEO. So I'm not even sure if I will send my letter to them, because I don't want to mess with a solid wall of evidence that this awesome woman is presenting. so here, dear readers, is my letter in its raw uncut form- it may be a little off in places.

edit: i decided to just put some excerpts in.

Dear Planned Parenthood New Mexico Board of Directors:

I am writing to address the many concerns I have over the current state of Planned Parenthood New Mexico. I started as an assistant clinic manager of the Central clinic in October 2007. I had extremely high hopes for this position, as I am a staunch supporter of reproductive rights, and of the organization itself. However, I soon came to see that the current administration of PPNM is quite dysfunctional, and does not foster a positive work environment.......

After our windows were broken out in the clinic attacks in December 2007, I certainly expected a show of solidarity and unity between the administration and the clinics. Actually, there was none, and I cleaned up all the broken glass that littered the clinic by myself. Instead, they made some insincere motions about employee safety- for example, sending out an email instructing staff not to work alone. I was soon scheduled for a Saturday, alone. I expressed my concerns and was told by a member of the administration that that was an extreme email and not to worry. I insisted that I not work alone. That was just a typical incident where the administration showed no support of the staff.

PPNM seems to have established a trend of being incredibly unsupportive of their staff and clinicians. No one batted an eye at practices that I, the new person, found very disturbing. I essentially held our clinic together at a time when the entire Santa Fe staff quit, and my manager worked at the Santa Fe clinic 3 days a week. One other staff member and myself ran the entire clinic. 2 people doing everything from scheduling appointments, answering phone calls, greeting and rooming patients, and entering transactions for a full patient schedule is not only ridiculous, but incredibly unfair to the staff, clinician, and to the patients. However, no one in the administration thought that this was an undue workload. Thinking that my hard work might be acknowledged, I asked for a raise. I was promptly denied, and no one from the administration bothered to talk to me about it. Instead of trying to foster communication with employees to keep a quality staff, they have an attitude of “stop crying about everything.” And yes, that is a direct quote from a member of the administration. The pervasive attitude seems to be that rather than discussing employee concerns and possible solutions, employees should keep their mouths shut and soldier on.

PPNM loses quality employees on regular basis because of their lack of compassion and caring for the people who do the actual work in the clinics. This directly goes against the goals of both a non-profit and an organization that claims to support women and families......

......PPNM has no interest in maintaining a quality staff, just whatever staff will put up with their poor treatment and overworking. They don’t seem very bothered by the almost constant turnover in all of the clinics. Qualified employees are taken for granted, and there is essentially a revolving door of other employees who are just there to work, with no interest in women’s health or rights.

......In order to boost productivity, the schedules are extremely overbooked, and often the clinicians are not even able to take a lunch break. Staff and clinicians are not respected, and treated far worse than one would expect by a respected non-profit. Unfortunately, the term “non-profit” is often used as an excuse for the poor working conditions and low pay PPNM employees face.

When an organization is dysfunctional from administration down, it seems overwhelming and difficult to make any type of change. Any initiative I showed in trying to fix up the clinic was automatically shut down or ignored. I am sad that my time with PPNM ended this way, because I truly enjoyed working with the patients and staff. However, no one should have to put up with such a detrimental workplace. I am writing this letter in hopes that the board will intervene on the behalf of the employees of PPNM and most importantly, the patients, who will be much better served by happy employees in a positive, healthy environment......

Thank you.

-/+

2008-05-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

- about being unemployed:

dehydration. for some reason, at work i drank a shit ton of water. at home, not so much. wine and beer seem like much better options!
no schedule. i have tried to create one for myself, but i consider myself lucky if i get 2 out of 10 things done on my list everyday. malaise.

+ about being unemployed:

well rested!
spending lots of time with the doggies
a lot more clarity
more time for creative and culinary pursuits

today i am going down to the co-op to apply for their front end supervisor position. . . not too much else on the agenda. maybe some elliptical . . . i might go to target and buy an exercise ball.

happy ending

2008-05-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

today was really nice. rolled out of bed around 12, played mario kart on vic's new and most prized possession, the wii, and saw the chronicles of narnia movie. pretty good, not the greatest movie of all time and is totally a LOTR wannabe, but nonetheless very enjoyable. reepicheep for the win.
we came home and i made cayenne and rosemary shrimp skewers and spicy havarti mushroom, onion, and black bean quesadillas.
today we booked our vegas trip. . . hopefully i will come back a mrs. !! i don't think you could beat getting married by elvis. we'll see. good day to you!

whole lotta nothing

2008-05-17T15:04:00.001-07:00

today i have accomplished nothing, i missed my tattoo appointment and am still in my pajamas at 4. oh well.
tonight, we eat banh mi sandwiches!

note: the second half of the day was just lovely. my sister came over for the afore mentioned banh mi sandwiches, which were just DELICIOUS. i threw on my new leather jacket and grey patent heels and headed to o'niell's to meet audra and anna. had some whiskey sours, some laughs, and some terrible photographs. then went to anna's house, where she had 4 dogs hangin!!! we want to start an all dog/2 humans commune.
came home in one piece- no DWI for me, cause i don't roll like that whatsoever- and am off to sleepy land. xo

some thoughts for the day

2008-05-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

ok, so is it bad to eat like 4 weight watchers ice cream bars? they are only 2 points each right?!! and damn they are good as fuck. and its not REAL ice cream. i think.
being unemployed seems to bother me more than it bothers anyone else, namely my now-breadwinner boyfriend. he doesn't mind at all, but i of course project my own anxiety onto him.
now i get why people do a turn, look over the shoulder pose in pics- its so flattering!
i love getting enough sleep.
i read more about the duggar family, after talking to ali about them- i fucking HATE them. i fear what their strange little spawn will do to the world. and why do they think it's "god's work" to have a freakin million children? wouldn't god rather you adopt all the children who have no parents or homes? more and more, i see having my own child as selfish and strange. but that's just me. plus, i would probably go all SIDS on a baby anyway.
JUST KIDDING
it's the year of the cat. or according to al stewart, it is.
vic has a court date today over a traffic ticket. . wish him luck!
i'm going to look for more vintage cookbooks in the used bookstores today. . . and hopefully get caught up on my buffy comics.
tonight, we eat turkey lettuce cups.

i just wasn't made for these times

2008-05-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

tonight i made us burgers out of ground turkey, shitaki mushrooms, shallots, and celery. watched the office and step it up and dance. now i'm reflecting to a beach boys song and wishing my head would stop pounding.

today i ate

2008-05-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

ice cream for breakfast and an "after lunch snack".
i bought some vintage cookbooks on ebay
i had lunch with anna at frontier
i watched season 2 of top chef
i planned some gourmet dinners
i'm about to wash some dishes
and i'm spent

some personal goals

2008-05-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

to pay an exorbitant amount of money to see fleetwood mac in concert, next time they tour. their last tour tickets were 150+. i HAVE to see stevie nicks whirling around during "the chain"- which also features the briefest and best bass solo ever
visit hello kitty land in japan. visit japan in general. ideally, live there for a year.
start my steelers bar which i think i mentioned in a previous post. this bar would have a jukebox of all my favorite tunes, a different theme each week (like christmas, for example), yummy food stuffs, and ME behind the bar!!
get an etsy store going
playas las tortugas
write not a great but a FUCKING great american novel
culinary or cosmetology schoool
make that photography exhibit that has been brewing in my head for years
realize that making lists, while an excellent means of organization, is often a good way to put off doing the items listed.
own a weiner dog

ok, so. .

2008-05-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

today i need to make a dentist appointment since i paid for dental insurance the past 8 months and NEVER used it. i'm also writing a letter to the PP board of directors to voice some of my issues with the organization. this is both scary and exciting to me, because i dont' know if it will have any impact whatsoever. but still, i feel it's neccesary. i feel so much better being out of that horribly toxic environment. basically, my manager did coke with employees, smoked pot on lunch breaks, left for hours at a time, called in whenever she wanted, and was a general total fuck up. she created this awful workplace, not that she would ever admit it, and the people who really suffer are the patients, who have to deal with a harried, stressed out staff. but enough complaining. . . it's over. every job, just like every relationship, seems to teach me more about what i can deal with, what my style is, and what i want in the end.
last night i dreamt i was picking up an exchange student named paul up at a train station. my friend and i (and alaira!) went running over to a bus full of tourists and were about to ask about him, when we saw a group of men pulling a dude out of the car in front of us. they shouted, are you paul ----? which was the name of my person, and blew up the car. some moments of tension ensued when the men asked us who were looking for, and we all proceeded to run!!
my dreams are all like popular summer action movies lately. . .. tense, exciting, and no real substance or meaning. . .

interesting observations about myself

2008-05-13T11:08:00.001-07:00

i cry watching the end of the the biggest loser, ten years younger, and any makeover shows- i cant help it!
i avoid things with exoskeletons
i am perpetually unsatisfied

unemployed

2008-05-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

so as of saturday, i am unemployed. i ended my rather traumatic time at planned parenthood with an incredibly rowdy, hilarious, and fun party at my co-worker's house. i danced to lily allen, ate a lot of queso, and passed out on the couch.
i told myself i would remain calm, free, and unencumbered by financial related worries until june. of course panic is starting to slightly set in, ALREADY! and i hate it. i wish i had more direction/ambition/motivation.
this weekend i also saw juno. everyone repeatedly told me how much i would love it, i think primarily based on the fact that juno and i love all the same music. but it really was a cute heartwarming little movie that i thoroughly enjoyed.
last night i had the craziest dream. alicia and i were exploring haunted places in albuquerque and one of the places was a huge hideous mansion. you walked in and heard the story of the woman who died there- who was killed by her sister's ex boyfriend. he was in some kind of military top secret project and escaped and went insane. there was a long drawn out scene of the girl laying in a pool of blood, with her arm almost hollowed out. the girlfriend happened to be my former boss. then flash to me telling vic about it and saying, shit i'm scared, i hope he doesnt come after me. cue to me looking out the window, and this man is standing there with a gun. i scream at vic to get down, and then i jerked awake. scary! i think that dream is a combination of my excitement about the strangers movie + my obsession with watching "medium."

things i want to do:
crafts
learn japanese
start a steelers bar
go to culinary school
move into a nicer place
exercise
write 30 minutes a day
join the local buddhist center
work on my photography
dream less and do more.