tired.

stress definitely exacerbates my MH symptomsl, and my ability to cope. i am just aching all over and incredibly uncomfortable in my skin right now. school is SO hard, work is so tiring- i love this field but not sure if its the right one for me. or rather, how long will i survive this field?? im looking forward to valentines weekend with my husband, who puts up with my endless agonies and laments, and loves me nonetheless. when i think of that i feel profound love but also a great deal of regret for what he has to deal with. i will NEVER EVER pass this shit on to a child!!! hell fucking no. ive been dealing witht this now for 15 years and im so sick of it. meds, therapy, they all help- but i just want to be better. so badly.

days like these

today was one of those days i genuinely wondered if i can handle this field. . .if my own mental health issues are just too crippling to work with this population. i was exhausted after 4 hours at the welfare office and i've just felt frayed after the robbery. i come back to work and everyone is totally amped up and crazy working on xmas gifts. . .our secretary is shrieking and i just felt INSANE. then my co worker snaps at me and i am just fuming and furious. i was just so weary and wanted to be home. but then i had my art group, and we had a blast making xmas crafts, and i remembered why i do this in the first place. its not about my co workers- its about my truly wonderful clients.