tears

today i cried a lot. more than i have in a long time. it was that kind of really ugly but cathartic gasping sobbing just tearing out of your chest. it was triggered by my boss leaving our agency. i am very attached to her. she's been a mentor and a friend, and we are kindred spirits. i have had so many wonderful conversations with her about our clients, our dedication to the work we do, and how we can continue to improve our agency. we have had even more conversations about our lives- i have felt total freedom to discuss my mental health issues, my past, and my struggles with her. the thought of not having her in the office next to me really breaks my heart. i guess i just don't do well with loss. another unnamed co worker said, "i don't get why everyone is crying. it's not like i'm never going to see her again." because it's going to be different now. and we don't want it to be different. i couldn't sit in while the clients and staff told my boss how they felt about her. i was in full on sob mood, and didn't want everyone to see me and my broken heart on my sleeve. but i always remind myself- try to think of your tears with pride. i cried all the time growing up. i was afraid of my father, and my life, and basically everything. my father screamed more when i cried, so i tried to suppress it. over time, that fear morphed into self hatred, and bitterness, and nihilism. sometimes i would cry during my panic attacks. i learned that the tears stopped when i sliced my skin open with razorblades, letter openers- whatever was sharp and could make me bleed. i was a raw nerve, violently exposed, screaming fuck you. the years i was with my ex, i didn't cry. i was brimming with fear and rage, but i held everything in. or it came out through methods like drinking, or cutting, or drugs. he would get angry when i cried, so i never did. i was in so much pain, but simultaneously so numb. i missed the old rawness that had shaped my feelings for so long. one time i remember crying was when we couldn't get the gas turned back on in our apartment. We had a huge back balance from some other place he and these other kids had lived-i stupidly and regularly offered up my precious social security number for whatever he needed- plus whatever bill we had racked up on the current place. so anyway, it was 20 degrees outside. here was no hot water, and i could see my breath all th time. we bundled the dogs up in my sweaters during the day. at night, me, the boyfriend, and the 3 dogs would pile onto a twin mattress and huddle for warmth. this had been going on for a while, and i was desperate. so that day of tears, we went to apply for a utility assistance program. i was ready to ask for help. and then the blow fell. the case worker told me our balance was too large, and i had to come up with $700. i had been waiting there all day, allowing myself to hope, and i just lost it. i burst into tears in front of everyone, and staggered out of the building. i didn't know what to do and all i could think was "i'm so fucking cold." the tears shocked my boyfriend, who didn't get angry this time, but told me he was going to fix everything. i knew better than that. amazingly, this piece of my story had a happy ending. the 5 ladies i worked with, who were my pittsburgh moms, pooled their money and got my gas turned on. i'm still blown away by it. i was so lucky to be around such angelic and good people, trying to dig me from the hole i had buried myself in. i will forever be grateful for the kindness shown to me by the people i have worked with. thus, many tears today. yet every tear i cry now is brilliant and radiant to me, like tiny diamonds hidden away in my lost heart. Whether from happiness or sadness, or just the ache of living - the fact i can cry, and show emotion, means i am living free.

ive been thinking. . .

i want to bring this blog back. i am going back to pittsburgh in a few weeks for a visit- i am so excited because i left big pieces of myself there. i think back to how starved i was for the duration of my residency- food starved at some points, love starved for years, just DESPERATE for something. always walking on the razor's edge, falling off occasionally, pulling myself back up. sometimes i felt high without being high- just from the music, and my friends, and the streets that felt like home. life was just SO brightly colored and alive for me there. that's partly due to a lot of pain and suffering (which makes every moment sharp and loaded and humming with fear/adrenaline)but also due to the love i received from my friends. once i left my abusive relationship and was able to ask for help, i would get it. that was a dark time for me, even though i got my freedom back and was having FUN for the first time in years. my heart was so alive with anguish because of my breakup and my new codependent crush on someone that didn't feel the same way about me. oh young love *barf* every phone call, every night, every show was so full of promise, anxiety, craziness, elation. i think back to all the nights i drank myself into oblivion and could have gotten into some gnarly situations- and amazingly, i was mostly safe and whole. i remember all the bands with older people i used to hang with- i must have seemed like some skittish, drunk mess of a lost kid and they were all SO kind to me. i get why people have a hard time doing the normal life thing. i have a tough time with it. no night was normal there. that year after i left my ex was stunning in its complexity and wildness. i also met my now husband that year :)i love my life now and would not trade it for the world, but i would like to move this life back to pittsburgh.
i'm grateful for the friends there that have stood by me. its a beautiful thing to know that i am going home to susan, my true heart friend for the past 11 years. and bryce, my brother/friend that has always looked out for me. punk rock has been a huge part of my life since i was a teen, and i was really able to live it in pittsburgh. i miss it so tremendously. after several years of being isolated in albuquerque, i long for those times. i know they would never be quite the same, because i'm different, but i'm hoping to recapture some of those feelings there. just that feeling when the band starts playing and you feel the music in your stomach- you look next to you and you have a friend just as excited as you are about music. shoving, dancing, singing, just losing your stress and pain for a couple hours to the scene you found a home in. the feeling of talking for hours with someone and never getting bored, or anxious- just feeling whole. that is pittsburgh to me. i want to write about all those memories before time takes them away.
anyway, i leave in a week and a half.
being somewhere you truly love is a priceless gift, and i can't wait.