pain

i KNEW as soon as i saw him- i know that look. i know what its like to have to hide your life from everyone and everything. i fucking knew it, and i feel so guilty. i feel torn inside. in happier news, i am engaged to get married to the best guy i've ever known. but it seems pretty small compared to a 13 year old who loves reading and music and kittens who is getting beat with a fucking belt every night. tonight i'll wish on everything there is, for you.

blondie 11:59

Leaning in your corner like a candidate for wax.
Sidewalk social scientist don't get no satisfaction from your cigarette
It's ten to ten.
Time is running out.
Lock up all your memories.
Get outa here, you know that we can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Pumping like a fugitive in cover from the night.
Take it down the freeway like a bullet to the ocean.
Wait until the morning, take tomorrow by the hand.
Take it down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Hanging on a frequency, burning like a fire.
Boy, you've got the motion down.
It's getting late, I'm tired and I've lost control.
Don't leave me here.
Time is running out.
Take me down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.



had a very very bad saturday. i was on call and got a crisis call. was in 3 different hospitals for 10 hours. heard horrible stories and basically was a counselor for the entire day, to someone who doesnt know me and certainly doesnt trust me. why should she? had a little nervous breakdown when i thought i was done for the day and had to go back. havent cried that hard in years.
never been so happy to walk through home's door and see a fucking beagle.
today: state fair. turkey leg, funnel cake, deep fried thingies.

kinda bummed, kinda birthday

the big 26 tomorrow.

honestly, i'm just so exhausted from work that i cant muster up much genuine excitement. . yesterday i moved a client into her new place. it took 10 hours, 5 of which involved lifting incredibly heavy furniture. i am so sore and stiff today that i can barely walk. no joke.
my weekend was more uneasy than enjoyable- i'm needing to find that balance between doing my job and OVERdoing my job.
also, vic's brother is coming to visit this weekend. while i'm excited to see him, the timing really couldnt be worse. i've been working really hard on the house and trying to get things done before susan comes next week, plus all my usual birthday activities- two weekends in a row of visitors! i know how horrible, fun and exciting visits from people you care about!
i think i'm just so frazzled right now that it all seems a little too much for me, even though it will be fine.
i think i'm also just really feelin the homesickness right now. . i miss pittsburgh and my totally wonderful birthdays there, with some totally wonderful people.
ive been throwing all my excess energy into decorating- the color theme of the living room is pink, blue, and red, and its adorable. the bedroom is coming along nicely, it feels like a home, all is well on the homefront other than my lifelong tendency to get inspired around 11:30 at night. which makes for drowsy days.
happy birfday to me!