when it rains it fucking pours

at 1:00 vic comes home so i can have the car
i need to go to target and get some business attire- unfortunately when i left pittsburgh, i also tossed out EVERY single blazer/business outfit i owned.
4:00 spur of the moment interview with crossroads for a similar case manager position
5:00-8:00 needle exchange in the van

tomorrow
9:00 2 hr interview with mortuary
go to the MVD to get a NM license 10 months after moving here
2:30 interview at spa


listening to the shins- "new slang"; team dresch- "hate the christian right"
watching absentmindedly- "the dog whisperer"

my sweet tooth has burned a hole

i haven't been posting much due to a successful job interview (whoo hoo!!) and my impending move. i interviewed with a group called susan's legacy a few weeks ago for a case manager position for women with co-occurring disorders. i was REALLY into it, but they never called me. turns out that they weren't dialing 412 in front of my number, and have been fruitlessly trying to get ahold of me for days lol. i am almost 100% sure i'm going to take the job, except i also have a mortuary receptionist job interview!! and one at a spa. so we'll see what happens!! we are starting to move into our new place. . . i will post pics asap. that is my life at the moment- that and running away from roaches. xo

facebook, panic, and sneezing fits

ok. i admit it. it's really starting to get to me. yesterday in the job search, i found a new job posting for the substance abuse counseling agency i had interviewed with- for the same job. so basically, they would rather have no one than me. . . i don't think i would have wanted the job anyway, but it stings, you know? i also got a rejection letter from CNM for a job i would have been more than qualified for. i dont know what to do. . .
but in other news, i slept through the night last night, which is a huge accomplishment for me, considering that the past 2 weeks i have tossed and turned ALL FUCKING NIGHT. night is basically my personal hell now. it's interesting that my sleeping issues have gotten to this point. in high school, i had horrible tweaker insomnia, where i stayed up more nights than i actually slept. it was also an incredibly creative and artistic time for me, where i wrote, crafted, and produced more art than i have in my life. so i have a nostalgic longing for that, and also a relief that it's over. then during period of depression later in life, all i wanted to do was sleep.
now my allergies and stress and discomfort make sleeping really hard. and it's not some crazy artistic dream come true. . . it's more just a waste of my body's resources and time. but anyway. as i mentioned in a previous post, walmart has an incredible allergy section. i picked up special allergen-fighting eyedrops, a neti pot (which is fantastic and gross and makes me feel like i am drowning, but also being cleansed), nasal spray, and a variety of pills to heal me. the nasal spray seems to really be doing the trick. it burns my nose for hours, but it makes sleeping a hell of lot more happy. hopefully my passages won't collapse from overuse. . . is that even how that works, dr. bobo??
i think my slew of allergies also has a lot to do with the fact that we don't have a door on our bedroom, thanks to my wonder dog extraordinaire, alaira beara anthony. yeah, she chewed my door off. ours is a dangerous and strange love, with my possessions as chew toys and her teef as weapons of destruction to everything i hold dear- or just take for a granted. like a fucking door.
the dogs sprawl out on our bed day after day and have pretty much filled the room with their strange odors and spiky little hairs. i clean as much as i can, which is not much, and try to ignore the fact that the allergens are creating an almost corporeal being. it just needs a few more patches of fur to LIVE
another thing i've been thinking about is this spectacle called facebook. facebook makes me feel a little more crazy than usual, like crazy uncomfortable. i don't like seeing the forgotten faces of people that made me feel like shit or sad or inspired major hatred in me. i pretty much severely disliked everyone at my high school except for my little tribe of outcasts, that i still love more than life itself. however, it has been really, really nice to reconnect with some kids on there, that were cool as hell in high school and seem to be pretty cool still.
i guess it's really weird to recall that freshman and sophomore year i called certain people "friends" and talked to them on the phone regularly, etc, yet by senior year they would not even look in my direction. i probably wouldn't look in theirs either, i'm not blameless. but still, it's strange to see the lives of these people represented in their profiles, and their pictures of new friends, new homes, and new cities.
this one girl that i had a "friendship" with has been updating her mood with things like, "in mourning", "value your friendships", etc. the human, empathic part of me wants to send her an impersonal but personal message like "hang in there. death sucks and i'm sorry" but the reasonable part of myself wonders why i would ever do that in a million years, considering our friendship was brief and not anything remotely important, and she probably barely remembers who i am. .
or even weirder to see someone like *j* on facebook, who was one of my best, best friends in 8th grade, yet morphed into a strange cheerleader/snob/flirt/mindless/soulless/idiot by the end of high school, and didn't speak to me after 9th grade anyway. we are now facebook friends, and though her pictures show a fraternity house lifestyle, her pretty awesome occupation and education speak otherwise. it makes me a little relieved to know that people can hang onto some parts of themselves always, like their radical intelligence, even while being surrounded by extreme stupidity and dimwittery (no, i don't think that's a word). but what do i know about what she has been through in the past 8 years? nothing. and she knows nothing about me. but now we are "friends." i think i'm reading too much into this, too.
i see sooo many people married with children, and it freaks me out. i'm still young. . . we're all still young. . . i often think to myself that at heart, i am still the wild little punk kid who wrote all night and just dreamed of leaving, and living a crazy life. . . but i'm sure others would say otherwise, and i understand why. i have changed tremendously, in that i chose to walk away from the destructiveness that governed most of my life. i'm not an old soul in a young body- i feel old, a lot of the time, but i also pretty much just feel like my AGE now. i have made a lot of positive choices that the teenage me would never have made. so i guess what is strange to me about facebook is that i'm seeing everyone in a superficial way- an internet profile- that still reflects their own journey and changes, in the simplest ways, like in musical taste- people from st. pius x catholic high school like tom waits and leonard cohen? and anything remotely "punk" or "indie"? are they trying to trick me, so i'll comment on that and then they can laugh at me for being weird? ah, there she is. high school sheila still lurks within.

listening to "naive"-the rentals, "stay monkey"- julie ruin

will work for lots of money

so. . . its been exactly 18 days that i have been unemployed. cracks are starting to form in my happy go lucky demeanor and possibly some chinks are forming in my armor. seeing the numbers dwindling down in the bank account is not helping matters. i keep trying to reassure myself that i'm doing about 1-2 interviews a week, applying for jobs on a daily basis. . . but why isn't anyone calling me? i'm like a scorned one night stand again, longing for more than just that initial contact.
yesterday was a really good day, however. i worked my first volunteer shift with the syringe exchange here. it's really different, because its on a van. it's very casual, very quick, and a one for one exchange. the people who work on the van are freakin awesome and made me feel very welcome. i'm looking forward to continuing with them. check YUM YUM COOKING CLUB later today for my easy bahn mi recipe!

brrr

it is a gorgeous, grey and windy day in albuquerque. i can appreciate days like this now, because i don't deal with them very often. yesterday was pretty schizo, with a hail storm one hour, bright sunshine the next. i took laira and gabe to the vet yesterday. gabe amused the other dog moms and dads in the waiting room with his incessant howling and posturing, while alaira merely frightened everyone with her raised fur and pulling. they both got shots, heartworm tests, and finally, microchipped. and my grand total was . . . $377. goddamn!! my heart certainly skipped several beats.
later i went to my ayurvedic follow up. i had a consultation about a month ago, where this really great student at the ayurvedic school took my pulse, studied my skin, asked me a million questions, and looked at my posture. so she told me i had too much water and earth- creating "mud" that could explain my lack of focus, clarity, overweight, etc. so in order to keep my kapha (water) in balance, i need to avoid certain food, try different breathing exercises, etc. i'm very intrigued and it makes a lot of sense to me. i am a huge believer in alternative medicine, if this could even be called that- ayurveda is a 5000 year old medical practice. i'm currently in a a state of vikruti- "The combination of elements that a person evolves to embody after being exposed and responding to the conditions of their life", meaning imbalance. i 100% agree. it was very interesting.
i had an interview for a case manager job for women with co-ocurring disorders. seriously, my dream population to work with right there. so i get to the interview, after driving through a hail storm, steel myself, walk in. the woman who interviewed me had apparently not seen my resume before hand, so she said, "hmmm. . . well anyone looking at this resume would think you are completely unqualified for the job." ouch. should i walk out? what now? but then she continued on, rather awkwardly, "but i believe that people's experiences and personalities matter more. so talk to me about my concerns." she then brought in the clinical director, who loved me. so we'll see what happens with that.
ended the day with the indiana jones movie and step it up and dance. step it up and dance was far superior, to be quite honest.

i know they're stolen but i don't feel bad

i'm having some major issues with my spacebar so if you seethis, there is areason for it. right now i'm brainstorming with my east coast girls about a cooking club. . . not much on the agenda for today. maybe a trip to the post office and mirai express for sushi. last night we went to the mall and got boba tea, played lots of mario kart, and fell asleep. i woke up around 3 to vic frantically brushing himself off because he thought there was a bug on him. i spent the next 2 hours imagining bugs on myself, huddled up in misery. today i probably will just clean more and make some cupcakes. tomorrow will be busy as hell- i have an interview for a case manager position, the dogs have a vet appt, and i have my ayurvedic consultation followup appt. i'm sure i'll have an interesting story about laira trying to take a chunk out of a chihuahua to share with you tomorrow evening.

interviews

ah interviews, how i hate thee. i had one for a part time office assistant at a music school this morning. hmm, a little too familiar huh?? but hey, its just part time. the person who interviewed me was an older possibly russian woman who was incredibly nice but very brief. she kind of shooed me out, so i don't have much hope for it. i'm also not hiding my tattoos for jobs anymore. i wore a cute 3/4 sleeve jacket but you could still see the many tattoos, and i'm thinking granny didn't like them. such is life. i'll hide them for the greatest job of all time.
my last interview was for an office manager for a substance abuse counseling agency. i thought it would be the best job ever, but the interview showed that it would have been very PPesque. i hate when the interviewer offers no direction or leadership- ask me some goddamn questions, please.
in more interesting news, a bunch of former PPNM people contacted an affiliate from PPFA to represent us to the board and the CEO. So I'm not even sure if I will send my letter to them, because I don't want to mess with a solid wall of evidence that this awesome woman is presenting. so here, dear readers, is my letter in its raw uncut form- it may be a little off in places.

edit: i decided to just put some excerpts in.

Dear Planned Parenthood New Mexico Board of Directors:

I am writing to address the many concerns I have over the current state of Planned Parenthood New Mexico. I started as an assistant clinic manager of the Central clinic in October 2007. I had extremely high hopes for this position, as I am a staunch supporter of reproductive rights, and of the organization itself. However, I soon came to see that the current administration of PPNM is quite dysfunctional, and does not foster a positive work environment.......

After our windows were broken out in the clinic attacks in December 2007, I certainly expected a show of solidarity and unity between the administration and the clinics. Actually, there was none, and I cleaned up all the broken glass that littered the clinic by myself. Instead, they made some insincere motions about employee safety- for example, sending out an email instructing staff not to work alone. I was soon scheduled for a Saturday, alone. I expressed my concerns and was told by a member of the administration that that was an extreme email and not to worry. I insisted that I not work alone. That was just a typical incident where the administration showed no support of the staff.

PPNM seems to have established a trend of being incredibly unsupportive of their staff and clinicians. No one batted an eye at practices that I, the new person, found very disturbing. I essentially held our clinic together at a time when the entire Santa Fe staff quit, and my manager worked at the Santa Fe clinic 3 days a week. One other staff member and myself ran the entire clinic. 2 people doing everything from scheduling appointments, answering phone calls, greeting and rooming patients, and entering transactions for a full patient schedule is not only ridiculous, but incredibly unfair to the staff, clinician, and to the patients. However, no one in the administration thought that this was an undue workload. Thinking that my hard work might be acknowledged, I asked for a raise. I was promptly denied, and no one from the administration bothered to talk to me about it. Instead of trying to foster communication with employees to keep a quality staff, they have an attitude of “stop crying about everything.” And yes, that is a direct quote from a member of the administration. The pervasive attitude seems to be that rather than discussing employee concerns and possible solutions, employees should keep their mouths shut and soldier on.

PPNM loses quality employees on regular basis because of their lack of compassion and caring for the people who do the actual work in the clinics. This directly goes against the goals of both a non-profit and an organization that claims to support women and families......

......PPNM has no interest in maintaining a quality staff, just whatever staff will put up with their poor treatment and overworking. They don’t seem very bothered by the almost constant turnover in all of the clinics. Qualified employees are taken for granted, and there is essentially a revolving door of other employees who are just there to work, with no interest in women’s health or rights.

......In order to boost productivity, the schedules are extremely overbooked, and often the clinicians are not even able to take a lunch break. Staff and clinicians are not respected, and treated far worse than one would expect by a respected non-profit. Unfortunately, the term “non-profit” is often used as an excuse for the poor working conditions and low pay PPNM employees face.

When an organization is dysfunctional from administration down, it seems overwhelming and difficult to make any type of change. Any initiative I showed in trying to fix up the clinic was automatically shut down or ignored. I am sad that my time with PPNM ended this way, because I truly enjoyed working with the patients and staff. However, no one should have to put up with such a detrimental workplace. I am writing this letter in hopes that the board will intervene on the behalf of the employees of PPNM and most importantly, the patients, who will be much better served by happy employees in a positive, healthy environment......

Thank you.