victory is mine

i will be spending the next year in a beautiful house downtown, with a huge kitchen (with a frickin dishwasher!!), 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a big sun room, big living room, a doggie door, and a big grassy yard. i am SO excited!!!


facebook, panic, and sneezing fits

ok. i admit it. it's really starting to get to me. yesterday in the job search, i found a new job posting for the substance abuse counseling agency i had interviewed with- for the same job. so basically, they would rather have no one than me. . . i don't think i would have wanted the job anyway, but it stings, you know? i also got a rejection letter from CNM for a job i would have been more than qualified for. i dont know what to do. . .
but in other news, i slept through the night last night, which is a huge accomplishment for me, considering that the past 2 weeks i have tossed and turned ALL FUCKING NIGHT. night is basically my personal hell now. it's interesting that my sleeping issues have gotten to this point. in high school, i had horrible tweaker insomnia, where i stayed up more nights than i actually slept. it was also an incredibly creative and artistic time for me, where i wrote, crafted, and produced more art than i have in my life. so i have a nostalgic longing for that, and also a relief that it's over. then during period of depression later in life, all i wanted to do was sleep.
now my allergies and stress and discomfort make sleeping really hard. and it's not some crazy artistic dream come true. . . it's more just a waste of my body's resources and time. but anyway. as i mentioned in a previous post, walmart has an incredible allergy section. i picked up special allergen-fighting eyedrops, a neti pot (which is fantastic and gross and makes me feel like i am drowning, but also being cleansed), nasal spray, and a variety of pills to heal me. the nasal spray seems to really be doing the trick. it burns my nose for hours, but it makes sleeping a hell of lot more happy. hopefully my passages won't collapse from overuse. . . is that even how that works, dr. bobo??
i think my slew of allergies also has a lot to do with the fact that we don't have a door on our bedroom, thanks to my wonder dog extraordinaire, alaira beara anthony. yeah, she chewed my door off. ours is a dangerous and strange love, with my possessions as chew toys and her teef as weapons of destruction to everything i hold dear- or just take for a granted. like a fucking door.
the dogs sprawl out on our bed day after day and have pretty much filled the room with their strange odors and spiky little hairs. i clean as much as i can, which is not much, and try to ignore the fact that the allergens are creating an almost corporeal being. it just needs a few more patches of fur to LIVE
another thing i've been thinking about is this spectacle called facebook. facebook makes me feel a little more crazy than usual, like crazy uncomfortable. i don't like seeing the forgotten faces of people that made me feel like shit or sad or inspired major hatred in me. i pretty much severely disliked everyone at my high school except for my little tribe of outcasts, that i still love more than life itself. however, it has been really, really nice to reconnect with some kids on there, that were cool as hell in high school and seem to be pretty cool still.
i guess it's really weird to recall that freshman and sophomore year i called certain people "friends" and talked to them on the phone regularly, etc, yet by senior year they would not even look in my direction. i probably wouldn't look in theirs either, i'm not blameless. but still, it's strange to see the lives of these people represented in their profiles, and their pictures of new friends, new homes, and new cities.
this one girl that i had a "friendship" with has been updating her mood with things like, "in mourning", "value your friendships", etc. the human, empathic part of me wants to send her an impersonal but personal message like "hang in there. death sucks and i'm sorry" but the reasonable part of myself wonders why i would ever do that in a million years, considering our friendship was brief and not anything remotely important, and she probably barely remembers who i am. .
or even weirder to see someone like *j* on facebook, who was one of my best, best friends in 8th grade, yet morphed into a strange cheerleader/snob/flirt/mindless/soulless/idiot by the end of high school, and didn't speak to me after 9th grade anyway. we are now facebook friends, and though her pictures show a fraternity house lifestyle, her pretty awesome occupation and education speak otherwise. it makes me a little relieved to know that people can hang onto some parts of themselves always, like their radical intelligence, even while being surrounded by extreme stupidity and dimwittery (no, i don't think that's a word). but what do i know about what she has been through in the past 8 years? nothing. and she knows nothing about me. but now we are "friends." i think i'm reading too much into this, too.
i see sooo many people married with children, and it freaks me out. i'm still young. . . we're all still young. . . i often think to myself that at heart, i am still the wild little punk kid who wrote all night and just dreamed of leaving, and living a crazy life. . . but i'm sure others would say otherwise, and i understand why. i have changed tremendously, in that i chose to walk away from the destructiveness that governed most of my life. i'm not an old soul in a young body- i feel old, a lot of the time, but i also pretty much just feel like my AGE now. i have made a lot of positive choices that the teenage me would never have made. so i guess what is strange to me about facebook is that i'm seeing everyone in a superficial way- an internet profile- that still reflects their own journey and changes, in the simplest ways, like in musical taste- people from st. pius x catholic high school like tom waits and leonard cohen? and anything remotely "punk" or "indie"? are they trying to trick me, so i'll comment on that and then they can laugh at me for being weird? ah, there she is. high school sheila still lurks within.

listening to "naive"-the rentals, "stay monkey"- julie ruin


still on cloud nine

after a wonderful dinner last night with my sister at the nob hill bar and grill. it specializes in swanky bar food. i got duck enchiladas in this amazing mole sauce with queso blanco, a peach chutney, and a cheddar rice patty. for dessert, we shared the chocolate bomb, which was a long plate with 3 desserts- first, a small flourless chocolate cake; second, a scoop of GUINESS ice cream with chocolate on it; third, a scoop of vanilla ice cream with jameson sauce. SO freakin amazing. i always feel very inspired after a great meal. i also had a fantastic drink there called the 108- margarita mix, coke, and gentleman jack.
i'm also intrigued by lisa's peanut butter mashed potatoes on top chef last night.
maybe i'll do some cooking today.

listening to "hawthorne"- that dog, "brendan #1"- fugazi


you may notice

some small changes. particularly my image, which was a little too confident, snazzy, and well lit for my liking. i chose to upload a more appropriate and relevant image to my current state of mind, featuring disheveled hair, a shiny forehead, and a gloomy wink to combat my general despair.

i'm also going to start talking about music on here- the songs i listened to while writing this/customizing the blog were
"don't talk"- the beach boys
"rock the 40 oz"- leftover crack

will work for lots of money

so. . . its been exactly 18 days that i have been unemployed. cracks are starting to form in my happy go lucky demeanor and possibly some chinks are forming in my armor. seeing the numbers dwindling down in the bank account is not helping matters. i keep trying to reassure myself that i'm doing about 1-2 interviews a week, applying for jobs on a daily basis. . . but why isn't anyone calling me? i'm like a scorned one night stand again, longing for more than just that initial contact.
yesterday was a really good day, however. i worked my first volunteer shift with the syringe exchange here. it's really different, because its on a van. it's very casual, very quick, and a one for one exchange. the people who work on the van are freakin awesome and made me feel very welcome. i'm looking forward to continuing with them. check YUM YUM COOKING CLUB later today for my easy bahn mi recipe!


thirsty girl

goal for this week: to drink as much water as i can. i have been having horrible allergies and headaches and i really, really need more water.

today i
-got my teef cleaned
-went to walmart

the "went to walmart" deserves its own little section here.

i hate walmart. however, i also don't deny the fact that it is incredibly cheap and has everything ALL in one place. so usually about two to three times a year i will venture there, and have my hatred affirmed by the total chaos of screaming children, huge lines, and general exploitation going on. in pittsburgh, susan and i would go there once a year or so and get visibly agitated as we navigated the endless aisles and families and junk. we would leave grateful for our walmart-free lives, and vow never to return, or we might kill ourselves.
vic and i went to walmart probably in february, and got some outdoor stuff there. it was a relatively painless trip, and i was almost panicked by this fact. what if walmart starts to seem ok?? what will happen to me?!
this trip started the same way. wow, all the allergy stuff is right when you walk in!! this makeup section is HUGE! there's just so much stuff. . . . and that's when i started to lose it. there is a great excitement that comes with seeing SO MUCH FREAKIN STUFF everywhere. . . and then i realize i can't find a goddamn thing, so all that excess stuff starts to close in on me and have fangs, and everything gets all crazy. i wandered around for at least 15 minutes looking for the goddamn pur filters. they were in the paint section. WHY? i also noticed a startling amount of memorial flower crosses and wreaths (like the ones at the site of an accident) throughout the store. depressing. by the time i had ravaged my bank account and checked out, i was feeling on edge and slightly homicidal.
i will remember this next time i need to buy food in bulk, or a new vacuum cleaner, or bizarre stone statues that look like frogs, a sombrero, and a cowboy boot.


happy nights in albuquerque

the amazing b-na feasting on some corn +

anna and mona +

good friends and laughs = a happy bbq


oh memorial day weekend!!!

yesterday we went to the rattlesnake museum in oldtown and marveled at all the different types of beautiful snakes. . . they also had some amazing tortugas and i want them all!!

we had lunch at the church st. cafe, which is apparently one of the oldest buildings in albuquerque.
i got a new tattoo- it says "the only salvation is in struggle," with

some significant dates for me underneath. it's based on a russian criminal tattoo from one of the coolest books ever. i am obsessed with prison tattoos and particularly these russian criminal tattoos. they are beautiful and incredible and crass and SO full of meaning. raw art.
my tattoo artist is the tiniest girl i have ever seen, super cute and nice. when i hugged her goodbye, i felt like a mama hen enveloping her young. part of me winced inside, part of me thought that it's one extremely nice thing about being a larger lady, even if i am incredibly short. i feel PRESENT and take up some space in this world. hey, whatever it takes to get us all through these days.
then we came home and watched cloverfield, which was freakin awesome!! becky, you need to see it asap if you haven't already. it made me panic a little bit about my own mortality. certain random movies or incidents tend to do that to me. all in all, an excellent monster movie.
i have been sleeping REALLY badly lately- i think a combination of allergies, worries, and restlessness. So basically, I had one big gin and tonic and passed out immediately. woke up at 3 am to a documentary called 30 days, by morgan spurlock. it was about a straight homophobic dude living in the castro for 30 days. i don't know what the conclusion was. i think it would be optimistic bordering on crazy to think that he changed his views, but i hope so. had another sleepless night. gabe is crashed on the couch snoozing his little beagle heart out, vic and alaira are still cuddled up in bed, and i am typing away to you, wishing i could sleep. oh, and i had a cupcake.
today there is a bbq at zak and anna's. enjoy your day!
edit: 30 Days is actually a tv show where someone is immersed in a culture they are completely unfamiliar with. cool! hopefully not too exploitative! heh. . . hmm.


something to think about

from my "self" magazine:

a grin and bear it mentality is one way to win points with your boss, but it may make your head pound. a new study from britain's university college london found that women who felt underappreciated and overworked were 23% more likely to develop migraines than their more content peers.

SO true. the times in my life i have experienced migraines were definitely due to job related stress. i am so happy to have moved on from a job that was making me physically sick.
today we're going to the rattlesnake museum!! and i get tattooed at 4. xox happy weekend!



it is a gorgeous, grey and windy day in albuquerque. i can appreciate days like this now, because i don't deal with them very often. yesterday was pretty schizo, with a hail storm one hour, bright sunshine the next. i took laira and gabe to the vet yesterday. gabe amused the other dog moms and dads in the waiting room with his incessant howling and posturing, while alaira merely frightened everyone with her raised fur and pulling. they both got shots, heartworm tests, and finally, microchipped. and my grand total was . . . $377. goddamn!! my heart certainly skipped several beats.
later i went to my ayurvedic follow up. i had a consultation about a month ago, where this really great student at the ayurvedic school took my pulse, studied my skin, asked me a million questions, and looked at my posture. so she told me i had too much water and earth- creating "mud" that could explain my lack of focus, clarity, overweight, etc. so in order to keep my kapha (water) in balance, i need to avoid certain food, try different breathing exercises, etc. i'm very intrigued and it makes a lot of sense to me. i am a huge believer in alternative medicine, if this could even be called that- ayurveda is a 5000 year old medical practice. i'm currently in a a state of vikruti- "The combination of elements that a person evolves to embody after being exposed and responding to the conditions of their life", meaning imbalance. i 100% agree. it was very interesting.
i had an interview for a case manager job for women with co-ocurring disorders. seriously, my dream population to work with right there. so i get to the interview, after driving through a hail storm, steel myself, walk in. the woman who interviewed me had apparently not seen my resume before hand, so she said, "hmmm. . . well anyone looking at this resume would think you are completely unqualified for the job." ouch. should i walk out? what now? but then she continued on, rather awkwardly, "but i believe that people's experiences and personalities matter more. so talk to me about my concerns." she then brought in the clinical director, who loved me. so we'll see what happens with that.
ended the day with the indiana jones movie and step it up and dance. step it up and dance was far superior, to be quite honest.


these might be

the greatest men alive.

rescue ink

a day of culinary delights

im off to ghetto smiths to pick up some things for the week. today for lunch i plan to make a potato enchilada type deal, with the potato stuffing similar to a samosa. tonight for dinner, i'm making fried calamari, scallops, and shrimp. i'm hoping to make some yellow cupcakes for dessert. then i'm off to the bosque trail in the evening, and so ends another great day in the burque.

i know they're stolen but i don't feel bad

i'm having some major issues with my spacebar so if you seethis, there is areason for it. right now i'm brainstorming with my east coast girls about a cooking club. . . not much on the agenda for today. maybe a trip to the post office and mirai express for sushi. last night we went to the mall and got boba tea, played lots of mario kart, and fell asleep. i woke up around 3 to vic frantically brushing himself off because he thought there was a bug on him. i spent the next 2 hours imagining bugs on myself, huddled up in misery. today i probably will just clean more and make some cupcakes. tomorrow will be busy as hell- i have an interview for a case manager position, the dogs have a vet appt, and i have my ayurvedic consultation followup appt. i'm sure i'll have an interesting story about laira trying to take a chunk out of a chihuahua to share with you tomorrow evening.


today in pictures

note: i failed to take a picture of the evil gaiam exercise ball. it bested me.

gabe is pretty fuckin cute.

gabe o. pants is his name!


ah interviews, how i hate thee. i had one for a part time office assistant at a music school this morning. hmm, a little too familiar huh?? but hey, its just part time. the person who interviewed me was an older possibly russian woman who was incredibly nice but very brief. she kind of shooed me out, so i don't have much hope for it. i'm also not hiding my tattoos for jobs anymore. i wore a cute 3/4 sleeve jacket but you could still see the many tattoos, and i'm thinking granny didn't like them. such is life. i'll hide them for the greatest job of all time.
my last interview was for an office manager for a substance abuse counseling agency. i thought it would be the best job ever, but the interview showed that it would have been very PPesque. i hate when the interviewer offers no direction or leadership- ask me some goddamn questions, please.
in more interesting news, a bunch of former PPNM people contacted an affiliate from PPFA to represent us to the board and the CEO. So I'm not even sure if I will send my letter to them, because I don't want to mess with a solid wall of evidence that this awesome woman is presenting. so here, dear readers, is my letter in its raw uncut form- it may be a little off in places.

edit: i decided to just put some excerpts in.

Dear Planned Parenthood New Mexico Board of Directors:

I am writing to address the many concerns I have over the current state of Planned Parenthood New Mexico. I started as an assistant clinic manager of the Central clinic in October 2007. I had extremely high hopes for this position, as I am a staunch supporter of reproductive rights, and of the organization itself. However, I soon came to see that the current administration of PPNM is quite dysfunctional, and does not foster a positive work environment.......

After our windows were broken out in the clinic attacks in December 2007, I certainly expected a show of solidarity and unity between the administration and the clinics. Actually, there was none, and I cleaned up all the broken glass that littered the clinic by myself. Instead, they made some insincere motions about employee safety- for example, sending out an email instructing staff not to work alone. I was soon scheduled for a Saturday, alone. I expressed my concerns and was told by a member of the administration that that was an extreme email and not to worry. I insisted that I not work alone. That was just a typical incident where the administration showed no support of the staff.

PPNM seems to have established a trend of being incredibly unsupportive of their staff and clinicians. No one batted an eye at practices that I, the new person, found very disturbing. I essentially held our clinic together at a time when the entire Santa Fe staff quit, and my manager worked at the Santa Fe clinic 3 days a week. One other staff member and myself ran the entire clinic. 2 people doing everything from scheduling appointments, answering phone calls, greeting and rooming patients, and entering transactions for a full patient schedule is not only ridiculous, but incredibly unfair to the staff, clinician, and to the patients. However, no one in the administration thought that this was an undue workload. Thinking that my hard work might be acknowledged, I asked for a raise. I was promptly denied, and no one from the administration bothered to talk to me about it. Instead of trying to foster communication with employees to keep a quality staff, they have an attitude of “stop crying about everything.” And yes, that is a direct quote from a member of the administration. The pervasive attitude seems to be that rather than discussing employee concerns and possible solutions, employees should keep their mouths shut and soldier on.

PPNM loses quality employees on regular basis because of their lack of compassion and caring for the people who do the actual work in the clinics. This directly goes against the goals of both a non-profit and an organization that claims to support women and families......

......PPNM has no interest in maintaining a quality staff, just whatever staff will put up with their poor treatment and overworking. They don’t seem very bothered by the almost constant turnover in all of the clinics. Qualified employees are taken for granted, and there is essentially a revolving door of other employees who are just there to work, with no interest in women’s health or rights.

......In order to boost productivity, the schedules are extremely overbooked, and often the clinicians are not even able to take a lunch break. Staff and clinicians are not respected, and treated far worse than one would expect by a respected non-profit. Unfortunately, the term “non-profit” is often used as an excuse for the poor working conditions and low pay PPNM employees face.

When an organization is dysfunctional from administration down, it seems overwhelming and difficult to make any type of change. Any initiative I showed in trying to fix up the clinic was automatically shut down or ignored. I am sad that my time with PPNM ended this way, because I truly enjoyed working with the patients and staff. However, no one should have to put up with such a detrimental workplace. I am writing this letter in hopes that the board will intervene on the behalf of the employees of PPNM and most importantly, the patients, who will be much better served by happy employees in a positive, healthy environment......

Thank you.



- about being unemployed:

  • dehydration. for some reason, at work i drank a shit ton of water. at home, not so much. wine and beer seem like much better options!
  • no schedule. i have tried to create one for myself, but i consider myself lucky if i get 2 out of 10 things done on my list everyday. malaise.
+ about being unemployed:

  • well rested!
  • spending lots of time with the doggies
  • a lot more clarity
  • more time for creative and culinary pursuits
today i am going down to the co-op to apply for their front end supervisor position. . . not too much else on the agenda. maybe some elliptical . . . i might go to target and buy an exercise ball.


happy ending

today was really nice. rolled out of bed around 12, played mario kart on vic's new and most prized possession, the wii, and saw the chronicles of narnia movie. pretty good, not the greatest movie of all time and is totally a LOTR wannabe, but nonetheless very enjoyable. reepicheep for the win.
we came home and i made cayenne and rosemary shrimp skewers and spicy havarti mushroom, onion, and black bean quesadillas.
today we booked our vegas trip. . . hopefully i will come back a mrs. !! i don't think you could beat getting married by elvis. we'll see. good day to you!


whole lotta nothing

today i have accomplished nothing, i missed my tattoo appointment and am still in my pajamas at 4. oh well.
tonight, we eat banh mi sandwiches!

note: the second half of the day was just lovely. my sister came over for the afore mentioned banh mi sandwiches, which were just DELICIOUS. i threw on my new leather jacket and grey patent heels and headed to o'niell's to meet audra and anna. had some whiskey sours, some laughs, and some terrible photographs. then went to anna's house, where she had 4 dogs hangin!!! we want to start an all dog/2 humans commune.
came home in one piece- no DWI for me, cause i don't roll like that whatsoever- and am off to sleepy land. xo


some thoughts for the day

ok, so is it bad to eat like 4 weight watchers ice cream bars? they are only 2 points each right?!! and damn they are good as fuck. and its not REAL ice cream. i think.
being unemployed seems to bother me more than it bothers anyone else, namely my now-breadwinner boyfriend. he doesn't mind at all, but i of course project my own anxiety onto him.
now i get why people do a turn, look over the shoulder pose in pics- its so flattering!
i love getting enough sleep.
i read more about the duggar family, after talking to ali about them- i fucking HATE them. i fear what their strange little spawn will do to the world. and why do they think it's "god's work" to have a freakin million children? wouldn't god rather you adopt all the children who have no parents or homes? more and more, i see having my own child as selfish and strange. but that's just me. plus, i would probably go all SIDS on a baby anyway.
it's the year of the cat. or according to al stewart, it is.
vic has a court date today over a traffic ticket. . wish him luck!
i'm going to look for more vintage cookbooks in the used bookstores today. . . and hopefully get caught up on my buffy comics.
tonight, we eat turkey lettuce cups.


i just wasn't made for these times

tonight i made us burgers out of ground turkey, shitaki mushrooms, shallots, and celery. watched the office and step it up and dance. now i'm reflecting to a beach boys song and wishing my head would stop pounding.

today i ate

ice cream for breakfast and an "after lunch snack".
i bought some vintage cookbooks on ebay
i had lunch with anna at frontier
i watched season 2 of top chef
i planned some gourmet dinners
i'm about to wash some dishes
and i'm spent


some personal goals

  • to pay an exorbitant amount of money to see fleetwood mac in concert, next time they tour. their last tour tickets were 150+. i HAVE to see stevie nicks whirling around during "the chain"- which also features the briefest and best bass solo ever
  • visit hello kitty land in japan. visit japan in general. ideally, live there for a year.
  • start my steelers bar which i think i mentioned in a previous post. this bar would have a jukebox of all my favorite tunes, a different theme each week (like christmas, for example), yummy food stuffs, and ME behind the bar!!
  • get an etsy store going
  • playas las tortugas
  • write not a great but a FUCKING great american novel
  • culinary or cosmetology schoool
  • make that photography exhibit that has been brewing in my head for years
  • realize that making lists, while an excellent means of organization, is often a good way to put off doing the items listed.
  • own a weiner dog

ok, so. .

today i need to make a dentist appointment since i paid for dental insurance the past 8 months and NEVER used it. i'm also writing a letter to the PP board of directors to voice some of my issues with the organization. this is both scary and exciting to me, because i dont' know if it will have any impact whatsoever. but still, i feel it's neccesary. i feel so much better being out of that horribly toxic environment. basically, my manager did coke with employees, smoked pot on lunch breaks, left for hours at a time, called in whenever she wanted, and was a general total fuck up. she created this awful workplace, not that she would ever admit it, and the people who really suffer are the patients, who have to deal with a harried, stressed out staff. but enough complaining. . . it's over. every job, just like every relationship, seems to teach me more about what i can deal with, what my style is, and what i want in the end.
last night i dreamt i was picking up an exchange student named paul up at a train station. my friend and i (and alaira!) went running over to a bus full of tourists and were about to ask about him, when we saw a group of men pulling a dude out of the car in front of us. they shouted, are you paul ----? which was the name of my person, and blew up the car. some moments of tension ensued when the men asked us who were looking for, and we all proceeded to run!!
my dreams are all like popular summer action movies lately. . .. tense, exciting, and no real substance or meaning. . .


interesting observations about myself

i cry watching the end of the the biggest loser, ten years younger, and any makeover shows- i cant help it!
i avoid things with exoskeletons
i am perpetually unsatisfied


so as of saturday, i am unemployed. i ended my rather traumatic time at planned parenthood with an incredibly rowdy, hilarious, and fun party at my co-worker's house. i danced to lily allen, ate a lot of queso, and passed out on the couch.
i told myself i would remain calm, free, and unencumbered by financial related worries until june. of course panic is starting to slightly set in, ALREADY! and i hate it. i wish i had more direction/ambition/motivation.
this weekend i also saw juno. everyone repeatedly told me how much i would love it, i think primarily based on the fact that juno and i love all the same music. but it really was a cute heartwarming little movie that i thoroughly enjoyed.
last night i had the craziest dream. alicia and i were exploring haunted places in albuquerque and one of the places was a huge hideous mansion. you walked in and heard the story of the woman who died there- who was killed by her sister's ex boyfriend. he was in some kind of military top secret project and escaped and went insane. there was a long drawn out scene of the girl laying in a pool of blood, with her arm almost hollowed out. the girlfriend happened to be my former boss. then flash to me telling vic about it and saying, shit i'm scared, i hope he doesnt come after me. cue to me looking out the window, and this man is standing there with a gun. i scream at vic to get down, and then i jerked awake. scary! i think that dream is a combination of my excitement about the strangers movie + my obsession with watching "medium."

things i want to do:
learn japanese
start a steelers bar
go to culinary school
move into a nicer place
write 30 minutes a day
join the local buddhist center
work on my photography
dream less and do more.