days like these

today was one of those days i genuinely wondered if i can handle this field. . .if my own mental health issues are just too crippling to work with this population. i was exhausted after 4 hours at the welfare office and i've just felt frayed after the robbery. i come back to work and everyone is totally amped up and crazy working on xmas gifts. . .our secretary is shrieking and i just felt INSANE. then my co worker snaps at me and i am just fuming and furious. i was just so weary and wanted to be home. but then i had my art group, and we had a blast making xmas crafts, and i remembered why i do this in the first place. its not about my co workers- its about my truly wonderful clients.



im starting to feel overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of things i have to do. . . just want to take off for the weekend and party and escape for a bit.
i have been talking to din and elena online much more now, and i am getting so freakin excited to see them at the wedding. they are sisters who were two of my best friends in high school. i have been listening to the wedding playlist pretty incessantly and it makes me happy/teary/etc.
im just really tired. . . i upped my cymbalta which is making it impossible for me to get a good night's sleep. so my nurse prescribes me trazodone, which turns me into a zombie. no happy medium. . .
im off to watch top chef and maybe do my nalls or something. xox


35 days

till i become a married woman.
i have been working on the wedding playlist, which makes me alternately incredibly happy and kind of wistful/nostalgic.
i look at myself and sometimes don't know how i made it this far. . . i am very, very happy with my place in this world and can't believe how much i have been transformed in the past 9 years.
i still remember everything. . . and i know i have to. we all have our burden to bear, right?? but its not as painful. there are so many good things. my relationship with my sister is so positive right now, and i love her baby more than anything. he will have such a happy, supported life- it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
i have a job i love- a job that is sometimes too consuming, but something i truly enjoy.
i have alaira and gabe- they make me insane, but they are my best friends and my life.
and then there is vic, that dude i'm going to marry. i am SO lucky. i believe in so MUCH now. . . he has made me a believer. in what? everything.
i am so, so excited to get married!! and to have the biggest party of my life with my friends, my true family.



ive missed blogging.
i am back, hopefully permanently.
the wedding is less than 4 months away, and it has been occupying much of my time/thoughts.
i have to believe that i am some kind of alien spawn. because it makes me feel like shit to think that my parents are my actual parents.
i just had a long conversation with my mother, where she blamed me for my dad's severe depression. apparently, dad is so depressed because a)i didn't ask him for any help with the wedding (who knows what help means to them) b) we're not getting married in a church, so i'm "embarassing" c)i don't want to invite any of their friends, due to the fact we are paying for the wedding ourselves.
sounds reasonable, huh?
and she expects me to call my dad, begging him for forgiveness, despite the fact he could barely look at me during the 3 weeks they spent in santa fe. at the end of their trip, he offered to shake my hand goodbye.
fuck you, piece of shit.
but in much, much happier news- i have a nephew! mom and baby are doing well- i wish i could spend all my time with them! its amazing to have a new addition to our family, and i know in my heart that he will put an end to a familial legacy of pain and anger. i will do whatever it takes so he does not have a life like i had. and he won't, since he has the best parents in the world.


i'm gonna make you love me before long

its been two months since my last post. alot has happened.
ok a quick rundown of life thus far:
i am down to 6 clients from my previous 10. wow. i'm sure you can guess what has happened to some of them. its been hard. the wedding planning is going really well! we have our venue, caterer, photographer (the lovely jenni s) and a LOT of ideas! i also am pretty sure i have my dress picked out too. winter in albuquerque has been so fun. we saw the river of lights display and the twinkle light parade. we spent thanksgiving in santa fe. my sister's baby boy is due june 10, and i've accompanied her to several ultrasounds. reena and michael came here for xmas, and i made a big feast. i got some wonderful xmas gifts like my new rat bonzie, who is incredible. i also got myself some nice gifts, like a record player! new years eve was AWESOME. after a half day, a bunch of my co workers came over and we all drank and talked the day away. that night, teresa, paul, anna, zak, vic and i went to atomic and burt's got incredibly crunk and danced!! it was seriously SO fun. i also sported my corpse bride blue wig, which makes me feel beautiful.
things i know about myself: when i am happy, i dress up. i do my makeup. i feel attractive. and much more importantly, i do art. for me, i find that writing comes out of my horrible experiences, and i am kind of paralyzed when it comes to creating art. i have to be in a more high functioning state to produce art. and boy have i been. it is SUCH A GOOD FEELING to feel like i still have some abilities, to feel creative, to have some confidence in myself again.
i am happy. this is partly due to medication, partly due to my sheer luck in life, and to being surrounded by wonderful people.
i finally feel at home in abq.
i watched a movie on lifetime called "7 things to do before i turn 30"and yes it was awful. please keep in mind that it was starring amber benson, who played tara on buffy the vampire slayer. i ADORE her. i will watch anything she is in. so anyway, i forced vic to make a list of things we wanted to do in the next couple of years. it was really fun. here is mine:

10 things to do before i turn 30.

1. camp at the white sands monument
2. go to japan, particularly sanrio land.
3. get married to vic!
4. have an art show
5. get down to a healthy weight
6. do a road trip up the pacific coast highway ending in vancouver.
7. spend a few months in india.
8. become a makeup artist
9. do a falconry weekend in either VT or WV
10. see the pyramids.

WOW do i have a lot of work to do. but it's gonna be fucking fun.