ive missed blogging.
i am back, hopefully permanently.
the wedding is less than 4 months away, and it has been occupying much of my time/thoughts.
i have to believe that i am some kind of alien spawn. because it makes me feel like shit to think that my parents are my actual parents.
i just had a long conversation with my mother, where she blamed me for my dad's severe depression. apparently, dad is so depressed because a)i didn't ask him for any help with the wedding (who knows what help means to them) b) we're not getting married in a church, so i'm "embarassing" c)i don't want to invite any of their friends, due to the fact we are paying for the wedding ourselves.
sounds reasonable, huh?
and she expects me to call my dad, begging him for forgiveness, despite the fact he could barely look at me during the 3 weeks they spent in santa fe. at the end of their trip, he offered to shake my hand goodbye.
fuck you, piece of shit.
but in much, much happier news- i have a nephew! mom and baby are doing well- i wish i could spend all my time with them! its amazing to have a new addition to our family, and i know in my heart that he will put an end to a familial legacy of pain and anger. i will do whatever it takes so he does not have a life like i had. and he won't, since he has the best parents in the world.
7.08.2009
1.03.2009
i'm gonna make you love me before long
hello!!!
its been two months since my last post. alot has happened.
ok a quick rundown of life thus far:
i am down to 6 clients from my previous 10. wow. i'm sure you can guess what has happened to some of them. its been hard. the wedding planning is going really well! we have our venue, caterer, photographer (the lovely jenni s) and a LOT of ideas! i also am pretty sure i have my dress picked out too. winter in albuquerque has been so fun. we saw the river of lights display and the twinkle light parade. we spent thanksgiving in santa fe. my sister's baby boy is due june 10, and i've accompanied her to several ultrasounds. reena and michael came here for xmas, and i made a big feast. i got some wonderful xmas gifts like my new rat bonzie, who is incredible. i also got myself some nice gifts, like a record player! new years eve was AWESOME. after a half day, a bunch of my co workers came over and we all drank and talked the day away. that night, teresa, paul, anna, zak, vic and i went to atomic and burt's got incredibly crunk and danced!! it was seriously SO fun. i also sported my corpse bride blue wig, which makes me feel beautiful.
things i know about myself: when i am happy, i dress up. i do my makeup. i feel attractive. and much more importantly, i do art. for me, i find that writing comes out of my horrible experiences, and i am kind of paralyzed when it comes to creating art. i have to be in a more high functioning state to produce art. and boy have i been. it is SUCH A GOOD FEELING to feel like i still have some abilities, to feel creative, to have some confidence in myself again.
i am happy. this is partly due to medication, partly due to my sheer luck in life, and to being surrounded by wonderful people.
i finally feel at home in abq.
i watched a movie on lifetime called "7 things to do before i turn 30"and yes it was awful. please keep in mind that it was starring amber benson, who played tara on buffy the vampire slayer. i ADORE her. i will watch anything she is in. so anyway, i forced vic to make a list of things we wanted to do in the next couple of years. it was really fun. here is mine:
10 things to do before i turn 30.
1. camp at the white sands monument
2. go to japan, particularly sanrio land.
3. get married to vic!
4. have an art show
5. get down to a healthy weight
6. do a road trip up the pacific coast highway ending in vancouver.
7. spend a few months in india.
8. become a makeup artist
9. do a falconry weekend in either VT or WV
10. see the pyramids.
WOW do i have a lot of work to do. but it's gonna be fucking fun.
its been two months since my last post. alot has happened.
ok a quick rundown of life thus far:
i am down to 6 clients from my previous 10. wow. i'm sure you can guess what has happened to some of them. its been hard. the wedding planning is going really well! we have our venue, caterer, photographer (the lovely jenni s) and a LOT of ideas! i also am pretty sure i have my dress picked out too. winter in albuquerque has been so fun. we saw the river of lights display and the twinkle light parade. we spent thanksgiving in santa fe. my sister's baby boy is due june 10, and i've accompanied her to several ultrasounds. reena and michael came here for xmas, and i made a big feast. i got some wonderful xmas gifts like my new rat bonzie, who is incredible. i also got myself some nice gifts, like a record player! new years eve was AWESOME. after a half day, a bunch of my co workers came over and we all drank and talked the day away. that night, teresa, paul, anna, zak, vic and i went to atomic and burt's got incredibly crunk and danced!! it was seriously SO fun. i also sported my corpse bride blue wig, which makes me feel beautiful.
things i know about myself: when i am happy, i dress up. i do my makeup. i feel attractive. and much more importantly, i do art. for me, i find that writing comes out of my horrible experiences, and i am kind of paralyzed when it comes to creating art. i have to be in a more high functioning state to produce art. and boy have i been. it is SUCH A GOOD FEELING to feel like i still have some abilities, to feel creative, to have some confidence in myself again.
i am happy. this is partly due to medication, partly due to my sheer luck in life, and to being surrounded by wonderful people.
i finally feel at home in abq.
i watched a movie on lifetime called "7 things to do before i turn 30"and yes it was awful. please keep in mind that it was starring amber benson, who played tara on buffy the vampire slayer. i ADORE her. i will watch anything she is in. so anyway, i forced vic to make a list of things we wanted to do in the next couple of years. it was really fun. here is mine:
10 things to do before i turn 30.
1. camp at the white sands monument
2. go to japan, particularly sanrio land.
3. get married to vic!
4. have an art show
5. get down to a healthy weight
6. do a road trip up the pacific coast highway ending in vancouver.
7. spend a few months in india.
8. become a makeup artist
9. do a falconry weekend in either VT or WV
10. see the pyramids.
WOW do i have a lot of work to do. but it's gonna be fucking fun.
11.06.2008
been a long time
been a long time
been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely time. . .
ok anyway. hi!
its been a while.
i'm doing ok.
i started cymbalta. . . the side effects fuckin BLEW the first week. its getting better.
its hard to deal with family who dont get what a mood disorder is, or think my depression is "minor" because i'm able to have a party. . . ok.
moving on.
i'm waiting for vic to get out of the shower so i can get ready and go to work!
i'm sitting by the fire in the living room and its very nice.
kwals is coming into town tomorrow- we have not seen each other in 2 fucking years! awful.
i had a halloween party last weekend. loads of fun!! i will be posting pics to yum yum soon enough.
what else. . . oh fucking yeah
OBAMA!!!
i'm off to pittsburgh next week to find us a place to get hitched in.
been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely time. . .
ok anyway. hi!
its been a while.
i'm doing ok.
i started cymbalta. . . the side effects fuckin BLEW the first week. its getting better.
its hard to deal with family who dont get what a mood disorder is, or think my depression is "minor" because i'm able to have a party. . . ok.
moving on.
i'm waiting for vic to get out of the shower so i can get ready and go to work!
i'm sitting by the fire in the living room and its very nice.
kwals is coming into town tomorrow- we have not seen each other in 2 fucking years! awful.
i had a halloween party last weekend. loads of fun!! i will be posting pics to yum yum soon enough.
what else. . . oh fucking yeah
OBAMA!!!
i'm off to pittsburgh next week to find us a place to get hitched in.
10.17.2008
last night
i had a marvelous dream about you.
i was wondering when you would come visit me, and it finally happened.
we were staying in some swanky hotel and drinking in the streets, i was running away from the police. i don't remember everything but we were having like, major fun.
when the dream ended we were standing in the entry way of this gold building. everything was gold. the ceilings, the walls, the floors.
i was crying and smiling at the same time, and i said "i miss you so much."
you just had this smile on your face that was both affectionate and goofy and you said, "i miss you too sheila." you walked out the door.
thanks desha.
i was wondering when you would come visit me, and it finally happened.
we were staying in some swanky hotel and drinking in the streets, i was running away from the police. i don't remember everything but we were having like, major fun.
when the dream ended we were standing in the entry way of this gold building. everything was gold. the ceilings, the walls, the floors.
i was crying and smiling at the same time, and i said "i miss you so much."
you just had this smile on your face that was both affectionate and goofy and you said, "i miss you too sheila." you walked out the door.
thanks desha.
10.09.2008
tomorrow
is desha's funeral. im both distraught and glad that i can't be there.
this week was packed with a lot of tears panic attacks clients relapsing text messaging henry rollins at the kimo (i love that man, he is exactly what i aspire to be in terms of a grown up punk. hes almost 50 and the most punk person alive other than exene and ian) trader joes wedding dress sketches heroes season 1 trying to catch a mouse project runway making dr appointments
i dont often ask for support, but ill be honest: i really need it right now. i so appreciate those of you who emailed me or called me. it's just lonely being out here when i so badly would like to be in GA or PA. i miss her. i was in a mental mess before this happened and its just getting worse.
it's so fucked up that she's dead. so unfair. i dont believe in praying to a god, myself, but if you do, go for it. pray for her and her family. pray thats she's on a beach somewhere in the clouds getting a tan and having endless margaritas. pray that her family and her friends will get through this, somehow.
when people die i've always understood why the ones left behind cling to a notion of religion or God or heaven- it can provide some solace. and why would i begrude anyone that kind of comfort in a fucking shitty situation like this one. and for some people, that is their truth.
not believing in anything is sometimes more like standing alone observing hell unfold. its not like that 95% of the time, but sometimes it makes me tired. it would be easier for me to believe- but i just don't.
i do consider myself a buddhist at heart, and have been repeating the five remembrances as much as i can. i just can't imagine a day when i will actually get to that point.
i guess being an atheist takes just as much comittment and struggle as believing in god. we're all in this together, huh.
this week was packed with a lot of tears panic attacks clients relapsing text messaging henry rollins at the kimo (i love that man, he is exactly what i aspire to be in terms of a grown up punk. hes almost 50 and the most punk person alive other than exene and ian) trader joes wedding dress sketches heroes season 1 trying to catch a mouse project runway making dr appointments
i dont often ask for support, but ill be honest: i really need it right now. i so appreciate those of you who emailed me or called me. it's just lonely being out here when i so badly would like to be in GA or PA. i miss her. i was in a mental mess before this happened and its just getting worse.
it's so fucked up that she's dead. so unfair. i dont believe in praying to a god, myself, but if you do, go for it. pray for her and her family. pray thats she's on a beach somewhere in the clouds getting a tan and having endless margaritas. pray that her family and her friends will get through this, somehow.
when people die i've always understood why the ones left behind cling to a notion of religion or God or heaven- it can provide some solace. and why would i begrude anyone that kind of comfort in a fucking shitty situation like this one. and for some people, that is their truth.
not believing in anything is sometimes more like standing alone observing hell unfold. its not like that 95% of the time, but sometimes it makes me tired. it would be easier for me to believe- but i just don't.
i do consider myself a buddhist at heart, and have been repeating the five remembrances as much as i can. i just can't imagine a day when i will actually get to that point.
i guess being an atheist takes just as much comittment and struggle as believing in god. we're all in this together, huh.
10.06.2008
normal?
grief is normal.
how much grief is normal?
how little?
what does that mean
grief is totally abnormal, like a fucking monster chewing on your guts.
but its a familiar feeling, at the same time.
when my friend keys died, i remember i would forget for a few minutes or a few hours and then suddenly i would remember. and my whole body would ache.
my heart feels heavy.
literally.
the human body amazes me and scares me, and makes me want to cling to its form even more because of how absolutely stunning and special it is.
how much grief is normal?
how little?
what does that mean
grief is totally abnormal, like a fucking monster chewing on your guts.
but its a familiar feeling, at the same time.
when my friend keys died, i remember i would forget for a few minutes or a few hours and then suddenly i would remember. and my whole body would ache.
my heart feels heavy.
literally.
the human body amazes me and scares me, and makes me want to cling to its form even more because of how absolutely stunning and special it is.
10.05.2008
day 2 of knowing.
i'm so confused, thoughts are just racing through my head and i dont know what to do with them, where to put them, how to stop them.
deaths hit me hard. death has been my obsession my whole life. i still think often of almost every person i've ever known who has died. i dream about them. i miss them.
talked to a few high school friends today. broke down a lot. cried and told natalie how much i missed her, because i dont want to miss the opportunity to say that, ever.
grief is confusing.
in some ways i feel like my sadness compares in no way to the pain of her current friends.
in other ways i feel like my sadness is justified, because i grew up with her and spent some of the most formative years of my life with her.
i hated high school. without a doubt.
but i also had the greatest group of friends, ever. friends that were my little family, and still are, to this day. powerful, incredible girls who are now women that i am so grateful to know.
i wish she knew how much she had meant to me and to everyone.
i know people torture themselves with that thought, and what's the point? because she's gone.
memento mori.
deaths hit me hard. death has been my obsession my whole life. i still think often of almost every person i've ever known who has died. i dream about them. i miss them.
talked to a few high school friends today. broke down a lot. cried and told natalie how much i missed her, because i dont want to miss the opportunity to say that, ever.
grief is confusing.
in some ways i feel like my sadness compares in no way to the pain of her current friends.
in other ways i feel like my sadness is justified, because i grew up with her and spent some of the most formative years of my life with her.
i hated high school. without a doubt.
but i also had the greatest group of friends, ever. friends that were my little family, and still are, to this day. powerful, incredible girls who are now women that i am so grateful to know.
i wish she knew how much she had meant to me and to everyone.
i know people torture themselves with that thought, and what's the point? because she's gone.
memento mori.
10.04.2008
trying desperately to remember
everything about her.
homeroom together, every day for four years, where she cracked me up endlessly. we used to braid each other's hair.
going to the mall and buying cigarettes and smoking, blissfully happy.
talking on the phone endlessly, while she told me stories about guys that made me equally excited for/worried about her.
she had a pair of tights she wore almost everyday until they were covered in holes. the guy she carpooled with asked if he could just rip them open, and she let him. she loved that story.
her constantly telling me if she was a guy, she would be in love with me. for an incredibly insecure teenager, this was a huge self esteem boost (and a turn on)
for one out of uniform day, she wore a white sundress with a seashell necklace, and looked so beautiful.
stories about her dad.
her amazing sense of humor/style/love/creativity
our laughter and fucking JOY at high school graduation. we both hated pius and knew we would be moving on to better things.
i am fucking sick to my stomach right now. i regret so deeply that i take the opportunity to be in her life more after we left high school.
i desperately wish i could turn back time and see you again.
in high school for those stupid superlatives, desha and i and one other person that i cant think of, were nominated for "most unique". she won, and i remember feeling a-ok about that. she most certainly deserved it. desha was not of this world, at all.
i dont fucking know what to think. . . . i cant stop thinking. i keep thinking about benito and how he must be feeling. its not fucking fair. . .
i looked at her myspace and saw she signed in on friday. she died friday night. i feel so fucking sick.
what the hell happened? how can we fix this?
i dont even want to get into the other issues, like where the fuck is she now?
i cant deal with this.
all day i've been listening to the theme from "a tale of two sisters", because its beautiful and touching and tragic. it was lending some depth to my day. . . it just seems fitting for this fucked up evening.
homeroom together, every day for four years, where she cracked me up endlessly. we used to braid each other's hair.
going to the mall and buying cigarettes and smoking, blissfully happy.
talking on the phone endlessly, while she told me stories about guys that made me equally excited for/worried about her.
she had a pair of tights she wore almost everyday until they were covered in holes. the guy she carpooled with asked if he could just rip them open, and she let him. she loved that story.
her constantly telling me if she was a guy, she would be in love with me. for an incredibly insecure teenager, this was a huge self esteem boost (and a turn on)
for one out of uniform day, she wore a white sundress with a seashell necklace, and looked so beautiful.
stories about her dad.
her amazing sense of humor/style/love/creativity
our laughter and fucking JOY at high school graduation. we both hated pius and knew we would be moving on to better things.
i am fucking sick to my stomach right now. i regret so deeply that i take the opportunity to be in her life more after we left high school.
i desperately wish i could turn back time and see you again.
in high school for those stupid superlatives, desha and i and one other person that i cant think of, were nominated for "most unique". she won, and i remember feeling a-ok about that. she most certainly deserved it. desha was not of this world, at all.
i dont fucking know what to think. . . . i cant stop thinking. i keep thinking about benito and how he must be feeling. its not fucking fair. . .
i looked at her myspace and saw she signed in on friday. she died friday night. i feel so fucking sick.
what the hell happened? how can we fix this?
i dont even want to get into the other issues, like where the fuck is she now?
i cant deal with this.
all day i've been listening to the theme from "a tale of two sisters", because its beautiful and touching and tragic. it was lending some depth to my day. . . it just seems fitting for this fucked up evening.
now grief has a name. . .
desha.
my fellow high school rebel partner in crime much loved beautiful beachy alien from another planet
someone i loved dearly. she died in a car accident last night. i made the mistake of googling her name and found pictures of the horrific accident that claimed her.
i feel lost, shocked, and devastated. we had kept in touch very sporadically over the years, probably communicated last about a year or 6 months ago.
dug through my pics, found her incredibly hot senior pic-
on the back she wrote:
to my punk princess
i love you so much and you better remember me in 20 years so don't ever throw this picture away!
i love you
aloha
desha
my heart is broken. . . i can't even imagine what it's like for her boyfriend, or her best friends, or her mother and sister.
the world is even more fucked up today.
i'm fucking reeling.
my fellow high school rebel partner in crime much loved beautiful beachy alien from another planet
someone i loved dearly. she died in a car accident last night. i made the mistake of googling her name and found pictures of the horrific accident that claimed her.
i feel lost, shocked, and devastated. we had kept in touch very sporadically over the years, probably communicated last about a year or 6 months ago.
dug through my pics, found her incredibly hot senior pic-
on the back she wrote:
to my punk princess
i love you so much and you better remember me in 20 years so don't ever throw this picture away!
i love you
aloha
desha
my heart is broken. . . i can't even imagine what it's like for her boyfriend, or her best friends, or her mother and sister.
the world is even more fucked up today.
i'm fucking reeling.
9.30.2008
OK I GET THAT I'M INDIAN
that doesnt mean i'm an authority on india in anyway
or that indians are middle eastern!!!
saturday at the grand opening of the crossroad store-
rich santa fe-ish woman on the board of directors :"there is a DELIGHTFUL thrift store in gallup that sells the most LOVELY punjabis!!!" (stares at me intently, very proud of her attempt to connect with me)
me: ????? i thought that was a language? "-----"
rich biotch: "those punjabis are just beautiful!!"
me: HUH? "that's nice, bye"
we get a large quantity of donations at crossroads that consist of clothes entirely from 1985, and usually teresa, one of the staff here, will put the most interesting items in various people's offices and around. some of the items we've gotten have consisted of a bright teal prom dress- in my office- a yak hat- raylene's office- and a yak coat!- lisa's office. she hung up a long grey robe downstairs, that apparently middle eastern men wear.
the receptionist downstairs: "i had no idea that was offensive for that to be up! i am so sorry, i hope we didn't offend you!"
me: HUH? "you didn't. . ."
later:
the receptionist: "see we took it down! what are those called again?"
me: " i have no idea . . ."
receptionist: "YOU DONT? oh." (confused face)
SIGH
or that indians are middle eastern!!!
saturday at the grand opening of the crossroad store-
rich santa fe-ish woman on the board of directors :"there is a DELIGHTFUL thrift store in gallup that sells the most LOVELY punjabis!!!" (stares at me intently, very proud of her attempt to connect with me)
me: ????? i thought that was a language? "-----"
rich biotch: "those punjabis are just beautiful!!"
me: HUH? "that's nice, bye"
we get a large quantity of donations at crossroads that consist of clothes entirely from 1985, and usually teresa, one of the staff here, will put the most interesting items in various people's offices and around. some of the items we've gotten have consisted of a bright teal prom dress- in my office- a yak hat- raylene's office- and a yak coat!- lisa's office. she hung up a long grey robe downstairs, that apparently middle eastern men wear.
the receptionist downstairs: "i had no idea that was offensive for that to be up! i am so sorry, i hope we didn't offend you!"
me: HUH? "you didn't. . ."
later:
the receptionist: "see we took it down! what are those called again?"
me: " i have no idea . . ."
receptionist: "YOU DONT? oh." (confused face)
SIGH
9.29.2008
and weddings swirled around in her head. . .
WHOA. seriously, whoa. weddings are SERIOUS business. i knew this, purely from an outsiders perspective. but now i'm actually semi in this world, and its scary. my sister, who is incredibly sweet and excited, presented me with my first bridal maagazine. and its terrifying. probably 200 solid pages of ads, with swoooning, dramatic brides pouting and posing. i think there were 2 articles in the whole damn thing.
anna and reen and i went to a bridal boutique to try on dresses. i was dreading it, but it was actually pretty fun!! no wonder everyone looks hot in a wedding gown- you are literally strapped in, buckled down, corseted, the whole fuckin deal- of course you're gonna look good!!
i actually have some good ideas for what i would like my dress to look like, hopefully for a third of the price of the gowns in there.
so that leads me to my next question? who is going to pay for all this?? should i start one of those internet fad sites soliciting money through paypal, with a sob story to inspire people? plasma donation? what? help!
people have been just lovely about us being engaged though. my work folk all gave me a really sweet card, and are demanding to meet vic to give him their stamp of approval. . . cute.
my friends have all been wonderful with phone calls and texts and lots of love. i still have a lot of phone calls to make this week.
yesterday was my man's birthday- i got him a bunch of stuff for the wii and i think he was pretty thrilled. i also made baked mac and cheese, and we all pigged out to the 9th degree- is that the right expression? i dont think so. oh well.
also, i have a mouse in my house.
anna saw it the first time scampering behind the stove. i saw it in the laundry room diving down a pipe. yesterday i saw it running across the ledge behind the sink.
friend, you are too bold.
at first i imagined all the cute adventures you must be having.
you have gone too far.
a humane trap will be in place today to take you to a new home. farewell in advance.
anna and reen and i went to a bridal boutique to try on dresses. i was dreading it, but it was actually pretty fun!! no wonder everyone looks hot in a wedding gown- you are literally strapped in, buckled down, corseted, the whole fuckin deal- of course you're gonna look good!!
i actually have some good ideas for what i would like my dress to look like, hopefully for a third of the price of the gowns in there.
so that leads me to my next question? who is going to pay for all this?? should i start one of those internet fad sites soliciting money through paypal, with a sob story to inspire people? plasma donation? what? help!
people have been just lovely about us being engaged though. my work folk all gave me a really sweet card, and are demanding to meet vic to give him their stamp of approval. . . cute.
my friends have all been wonderful with phone calls and texts and lots of love. i still have a lot of phone calls to make this week.
yesterday was my man's birthday- i got him a bunch of stuff for the wii and i think he was pretty thrilled. i also made baked mac and cheese, and we all pigged out to the 9th degree- is that the right expression? i dont think so. oh well.
also, i have a mouse in my house.
anna saw it the first time scampering behind the stove. i saw it in the laundry room diving down a pipe. yesterday i saw it running across the ledge behind the sink.
friend, you are too bold.
at first i imagined all the cute adventures you must be having.
you have gone too far.
a humane trap will be in place today to take you to a new home. farewell in advance.
9.23.2008
pain
ok, i have this client. she reminds me so much of my dad that seeing her makes me feel sick sometimes. and i've been able to treat her as i do any other client, and move forward. today i watched her scream in her son's face and threaten him. then he told kim, the other case manager, that my client has been beating him with a belt every night. he showed her the marks.
i've seen her son a total of 3 times. i KNEW as soon as i saw him- i know that look.
i know what its like to have to hide your life from everyone and everything.
i fucking knew it, and i feel so guilty.
cyfd was called in, and i hope to fuckin god that they took him away from her.
i'm not cut out for working with abused kids. and i normally don't have to, but this situation just turned out differently.
i also hope that i NEVER become as jaded as some of the people in our agency.
i hope she doesnt kill him.
i hope i never see her again.
i hope she gets the medication she desperately needs.
i hope he gets away.
i feel torn inside.
in happier news, i am engaged to get married to the best guy i've ever known. but it seems pretty small compared to a 13 year old who loves reading and music and kittens who is getting beat with a fucking belt every night.
tonight i'll wish on everything there is, for you.
i've seen her son a total of 3 times. i KNEW as soon as i saw him- i know that look.
i know what its like to have to hide your life from everyone and everything.
i fucking knew it, and i feel so guilty.
cyfd was called in, and i hope to fuckin god that they took him away from her.
i'm not cut out for working with abused kids. and i normally don't have to, but this situation just turned out differently.
i also hope that i NEVER become as jaded as some of the people in our agency.
i hope she doesnt kill him.
i hope i never see her again.
i hope she gets the medication she desperately needs.
i hope he gets away.
i feel torn inside.
in happier news, i am engaged to get married to the best guy i've ever known. but it seems pretty small compared to a 13 year old who loves reading and music and kittens who is getting beat with a fucking belt every night.
tonight i'll wish on everything there is, for you.
9.20.2008
t or c
on our way to a little relaxation!
last night i went to the state fair with my sister and brother in law.
-stood on some rocks and watched the rodeo over the fence.
-saw nigerian acrobats
-listened to some high school rappers from burque
-ate deep fried cheesecake, cheese fries, frito pie, and a gyro
-watched people try to sell a variety of things
-petted a huge brahma bull
-ooohed and aahed over some baby goats
-went on the ferris wheel
i love living here.
then i had a great evening watching the devils rejects with zak and anna.
byeeeeeeeeeee
last night i went to the state fair with my sister and brother in law.
-stood on some rocks and watched the rodeo over the fence.
-saw nigerian acrobats
-listened to some high school rappers from burque
-ate deep fried cheesecake, cheese fries, frito pie, and a gyro
-watched people try to sell a variety of things
-petted a huge brahma bull
-ooohed and aahed over some baby goats
-went on the ferris wheel
i love living here.
then i had a great evening watching the devils rejects with zak and anna.
byeeeeeeeeeee
9.17.2008
one slipper kind of morning
one of the dogs took my slipper. . . its fuzzy and white and looks kind of like a little dog to chew on, i guess . . . annoyed.
been stressing a lot lately, feeling a major need to get back on my meds and get back in therapy. especially with the people i deal with on a daily basis, i need some back up. in the form of pharmaceuticals.
i always come back to you
in other news, courtney appears to have 14 days till san fran!! whoo hoo!! courtney update us on your moving progress!! xoxo
been stressing a lot lately, feeling a major need to get back on my meds and get back in therapy. especially with the people i deal with on a daily basis, i need some back up. in the form of pharmaceuticals.
i always come back to you
in other news, courtney appears to have 14 days till san fran!! whoo hoo!! courtney update us on your moving progress!! xoxo
9.14.2008
satisfaction
rickety rides run by carnies? check.
a giant juicy turkey leg? check.
ice cold lemonade? check.
funnel cake with ice cream and hot fudge? check.
giant rabbits, pygmy goats, and ponies? check.
an amazing airbrushed shirt with my name and a panther on it? oh yes.
i love the state fair!!
a giant juicy turkey leg? check.
ice cold lemonade? check.
funnel cake with ice cream and hot fudge? check.
giant rabbits, pygmy goats, and ponies? check.
an amazing airbrushed shirt with my name and a panther on it? oh yes.
i love the state fair!!
blondie 11:59
Leaning in your corner like a candidate for wax.
Sidewalk social scientist don't get no satisfaction from your cigarette
It's ten to ten.
Time is running out.
Lock up all your memories.
Get outa here, you know that we can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Pumping like a fugitive in cover from the night.
Take it down the freeway like a bullet to the ocean.
Wait until the morning, take tomorrow by the hand.
Take it down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Hanging on a frequency, burning like a fire.
Boy, you've got the motion down.
It's getting late, I'm tired and I've lost control.
Don't leave me here.
Time is running out.
Take me down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
had a very very bad saturday. i was on call and got a crisis call. was in 3 different hospitals for 10 hours. heard horrible stories and basically was a counselor for the entire day, to someone who doesnt know me and certainly doesnt trust me. why should she? had a little nervous breakdown when i thought i was done for the day and had to go back. havent cried that hard in years.
never been so happy to walk through home's door and see a fucking beagle.
today: state fair. turkey leg, funnel cake, deep fried thingies.
Sidewalk social scientist don't get no satisfaction from your cigarette
It's ten to ten.
Time is running out.
Lock up all your memories.
Get outa here, you know that we can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Pumping like a fugitive in cover from the night.
Take it down the freeway like a bullet to the ocean.
Wait until the morning, take tomorrow by the hand.
Take it down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Hanging on a frequency, burning like a fire.
Boy, you've got the motion down.
It's getting late, I'm tired and I've lost control.
Don't leave me here.
Time is running out.
Take me down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
had a very very bad saturday. i was on call and got a crisis call. was in 3 different hospitals for 10 hours. heard horrible stories and basically was a counselor for the entire day, to someone who doesnt know me and certainly doesnt trust me. why should she? had a little nervous breakdown when i thought i was done for the day and had to go back. havent cried that hard in years.
never been so happy to walk through home's door and see a fucking beagle.
today: state fair. turkey leg, funnel cake, deep fried thingies.
9.11.2008
latest inspirations
charlotte russe teenage hooker heels- in beige and black
a pink parasol
melaka fray
red nails white tips
oversized black tee shirts
yellow flats
my clients
my art group for the clients
brujas
la faundah my honda and her hot pink duct taped side
elizabeth berg
sushi
water
raspberries
hot chocolate with chili powder
teal
crisp mornings
cool evenings
vic wearing his fave hoodie- fall is almost here!!
a pink parasol
melaka fray
red nails white tips
oversized black tee shirts
yellow flats
my clients
my art group for the clients
brujas
la faundah my honda and her hot pink duct taped side
elizabeth berg
sushi
water
raspberries
hot chocolate with chili powder
teal
crisp mornings
cool evenings
vic wearing his fave hoodie- fall is almost here!!
9.07.2008
politics make me queasy.
or rather, republicans, namely george and john, do.
the movie united flight 93 was on TV- arrg. hard to watch. i started reading up on 9/11 stuff for the first time in years. . . watched the infamous footage of bush sitting in the classroom on 9/11 like a fuckin dumbass . . . then proceeded to watch all the various videos on youtube of bush's fuck ups and absolute stupidity over the past 8 years.
a vote for mccain is pretty much saying you want four more years of bush. . . if any of you are planning to vote for mccain, do NOT tell me this. seriously. it might kill me.
grr.
no one's saying obama's perfect. he's still a politician. but he's the best option we have, and i have some faith in him. plus, i really like albuquerque and dont want to have to relocate to canada anytime soon.
i'm already nervous and its two months away.
the movie united flight 93 was on TV- arrg. hard to watch. i started reading up on 9/11 stuff for the first time in years. . . watched the infamous footage of bush sitting in the classroom on 9/11 like a fuckin dumbass . . . then proceeded to watch all the various videos on youtube of bush's fuck ups and absolute stupidity over the past 8 years.
a vote for mccain is pretty much saying you want four more years of bush. . . if any of you are planning to vote for mccain, do NOT tell me this. seriously. it might kill me.
grr.
no one's saying obama's perfect. he's still a politician. but he's the best option we have, and i have some faith in him. plus, i really like albuquerque and dont want to have to relocate to canada anytime soon.
i'm already nervous and its two months away.
guns are funs
yesterday in santa fe i shot a gun for the first time! a rifle to be exact. i dont think i did very well with it, but we had a blast. i shot one semiautomatic rifle and one with a scope and the pump action thingie. we were in the middle of nowhere shooting at stuff and these guys with fake police hats were there as well. they were pretty creepy, and i expected them to shoot all of us and drive off. scurry!
then we had a lovely dinner at a place called gabriels, where i got pollo con mole poblano- chicken in mole sauce. YUM!
after dinner we went to the casino. . . i promptly lost my allotted $20. . . god i love the casino!
i've been having weird post apocalyptic dreams lately, that leave me feeling lonely and strange every morning.
my goal for this week is to work on a healthy food menu and to STICK to it. this life needs some structure, stat.
the dog next door has the most shrill horrible bark ever, even worse than gabe's. . . i'm off to sulk about it for a bit.
xo
then we had a lovely dinner at a place called gabriels, where i got pollo con mole poblano- chicken in mole sauce. YUM!
after dinner we went to the casino. . . i promptly lost my allotted $20. . . god i love the casino!
i've been having weird post apocalyptic dreams lately, that leave me feeling lonely and strange every morning.
my goal for this week is to work on a healthy food menu and to STICK to it. this life needs some structure, stat.
the dog next door has the most shrill horrible bark ever, even worse than gabe's. . . i'm off to sulk about it for a bit.
xo
9.06.2008
weekend assignment
go to youtube, google "christian the lion." you will not be disappointed. ignore the cheesy whitney houston background music or allow yourself to be guiltily swept away by it. this is one of the sweetest things i have ever seen. i most certainly cried.
last night i got my septum pierced. it was fun! its a little crooked (hopefully just due to the swelling) but i really like it!
today we are going to santa fe to shoot guns with my brother in law, and celebrate reena's birthday. tomorrow, cliff's amusement park! and a lot of house cleaning blah.
have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo sheil
last night i got my septum pierced. it was fun! its a little crooked (hopefully just due to the swelling) but i really like it!
today we are going to santa fe to shoot guns with my brother in law, and celebrate reena's birthday. tomorrow, cliff's amusement park! and a lot of house cleaning blah.
have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo sheil
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