day 2 of knowing.

i'm so confused, thoughts are just racing through my head and i dont know what to do with them, where to put them, how to stop them.

deaths hit me hard. death has been my obsession my whole life. i still think often of almost every person i've ever known who has died. i dream about them. i miss them.

talked to a few high school friends today. broke down a lot. cried and told natalie how much i missed her, because i dont want to miss the opportunity to say that, ever.

grief is confusing.
in some ways i feel like my sadness compares in no way to the pain of her current friends.
in other ways i feel like my sadness is justified, because i grew up with her and spent some of the most formative years of my life with her.

i hated high school. without a doubt.
but i also had the greatest group of friends, ever. friends that were my little family, and still are, to this day. powerful, incredible girls who are now women that i am so grateful to know.
i wish she knew how much she had meant to me and to everyone.

i know people torture themselves with that thought, and what's the point? because she's gone.

memento mori.