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10.09.2008

tomorrow

is desha's funeral. im both distraught and glad that i can't be there.

this week was packed with a lot of tears panic attacks clients relapsing text messaging henry rollins at the kimo (i love that man, he is exactly what i aspire to be in terms of a grown up punk. hes almost 50 and the most punk person alive other than exene and ian) trader joes wedding dress sketches heroes season 1 trying to catch a mouse project runway making dr appointments

i dont often ask for support, but ill be honest: i really need it right now. i so appreciate those of you who emailed me or called me. it's just lonely being out here when i so badly would like to be in GA or PA. i miss her. i was in a mental mess before this happened and its just getting worse.

it's so fucked up that she's dead. so unfair. i dont believe in praying to a god, myself, but if you do, go for it. pray for her and her family. pray thats she's on a beach somewhere in the clouds getting a tan and having endless margaritas. pray that her family and her friends will get through this, somehow.
when people die i've always understood why the ones left behind cling to a notion of religion or God or heaven- it can provide some solace. and why would i begrude anyone that kind of comfort in a fucking shitty situation like this one. and for some people, that is their truth.
not believing in anything is sometimes more like standing alone observing hell unfold. its not like that 95% of the time, but sometimes it makes me tired. it would be easier for me to believe- but i just don't.
i do consider myself a buddhist at heart, and have been repeating the five remembrances as much as i can. i just can't imagine a day when i will actually get to that point.

i guess being an atheist takes just as much comittment and struggle as believing in god. we're all in this together, huh.

1 comment:

Ali (a.k.a. Cynical Nymph) said...

I can't tell you how envious I am sometimes of Mormons, sincere Catholics, devout Muslims, anyone who deeply and sincerely believe that they Know how to earn God's Grace, or Love, or Redemption, or what have you. Sometimes I imagine that sort of sureness must be like a really warm down comforter, and I wish I could wrap it around myself. However, I just don't find it in my mental/spiritual closet, so to speak.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now.