trying desperately to remember

everything about her.

homeroom together, every day for four years, where she cracked me up endlessly. we used to braid each other's hair.

going to the mall and buying cigarettes and smoking, blissfully happy.

talking on the phone endlessly, while she told me stories about guys that made me equally excited for/worried about her.

she had a pair of tights she wore almost everyday until they were covered in holes. the guy she carpooled with asked if he could just rip them open, and she let him. she loved that story.

her constantly telling me if she was a guy, she would be in love with me. for an incredibly insecure teenager, this was a huge self esteem boost (and a turn on)

for one out of uniform day, she wore a white sundress with a seashell necklace, and looked so beautiful.

stories about her dad.

her amazing sense of humor/style/love/creativity

our laughter and fucking JOY at high school graduation. we both hated pius and knew we would be moving on to better things.

i am fucking sick to my stomach right now. i regret so deeply that i take the opportunity to be in her life more after we left high school.
i desperately wish i could turn back time and see you again.

in high school for those stupid superlatives, desha and i and one other person that i cant think of, were nominated for "most unique". she won, and i remember feeling a-ok about that. she most certainly deserved it. desha was not of this world, at all.

i dont fucking know what to think. . . . i cant stop thinking. i keep thinking about benito and how he must be feeling. its not fucking fair. . .
i looked at her myspace and saw she signed in on friday. she died friday night. i feel so fucking sick.
what the hell happened? how can we fix this?

i dont even want to get into the other issues, like where the fuck is she now?
i cant deal with this.

all day i've been listening to the theme from "a tale of two sisters", because its beautiful and touching and tragic. it was lending some depth to my day. . . it just seems fitting for this fucked up evening.

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