OK I GET THAT I'M INDIAN

that doesnt mean i'm an authority on india in anyway
or that indians are middle eastern!!!

saturday at the grand opening of the crossroad store-
rich santa fe-ish woman on the board of directors :"there is a DELIGHTFUL thrift store in gallup that sells the most LOVELY punjabis!!!" (stares at me intently, very proud of her attempt to connect with me)
me: ????? i thought that was a language? "-----"
rich biotch: "those punjabis are just beautiful!!"
me: HUH? "that's nice, bye"

we get a large quantity of donations at crossroads that consist of clothes entirely from 1985, and usually teresa, one of the staff here, will put the most interesting items in various people's offices and around. some of the items we've gotten have consisted of a bright teal prom dress- in my office- a yak hat- raylene's office- and a yak coat!- lisa's office. she hung up a long grey robe downstairs, that apparently middle eastern men wear.
the receptionist downstairs: "i had no idea that was offensive for that to be up! i am so sorry, i hope we didn't offend you!"
me: HUH? "you didn't. . ."

later:

the receptionist: "see we took it down! what are those called again?"
me: " i have no idea . . ."
receptionist: "YOU DONT? oh." (confused face)

SIGH

and weddings swirled around in her head. . .

WHOA. seriously, whoa. weddings are SERIOUS business. i knew this, purely from an outsiders perspective. but now i'm actually semi in this world, and its scary. my sister, who is incredibly sweet and excited, presented me with my first bridal maagazine. and its terrifying. probably 200 solid pages of ads, with swoooning, dramatic brides pouting and posing. i think there were 2 articles in the whole damn thing.
anna and reen and i went to a bridal boutique to try on dresses. i was dreading it, but it was actually pretty fun!! no wonder everyone looks hot in a wedding gown- you are literally strapped in, buckled down, corseted, the whole fuckin deal- of course you're gonna look good!!
i actually have some good ideas for what i would like my dress to look like, hopefully for a third of the price of the gowns in there.
so that leads me to my next question? who is going to pay for all this?? should i start one of those internet fad sites soliciting money through paypal, with a sob story to inspire people? plasma donation? what? help!
people have been just lovely about us being engaged though. my work folk all gave me a really sweet card, and are demanding to meet vic to give him their stamp of approval. . . cute.
my friends have all been wonderful with phone calls and texts and lots of love. i still have a lot of phone calls to make this week.
yesterday was my man's birthday- i got him a bunch of stuff for the wii and i think he was pretty thrilled. i also made baked mac and cheese, and we all pigged out to the 9th degree- is that the right expression? i dont think so. oh well.
also, i have a mouse in my house.
anna saw it the first time scampering behind the stove. i saw it in the laundry room diving down a pipe. yesterday i saw it running across the ledge behind the sink.
friend, you are too bold.
at first i imagined all the cute adventures you must be having.
you have gone too far.
a humane trap will be in place today to take you to a new home. farewell in advance.

pain

i KNEW as soon as i saw him- i know that look. i know what its like to have to hide your life from everyone and everything. i fucking knew it, and i feel so guilty. i feel torn inside. in happier news, i am engaged to get married to the best guy i've ever known. but it seems pretty small compared to a 13 year old who loves reading and music and kittens who is getting beat with a fucking belt every night. tonight i'll wish on everything there is, for you.

t or c

on our way to a little relaxation!

last night i went to the state fair with my sister and brother in law.

-stood on some rocks and watched the rodeo over the fence.
-saw nigerian acrobats
-listened to some high school rappers from burque
-ate deep fried cheesecake, cheese fries, frito pie, and a gyro
-watched people try to sell a variety of things
-petted a huge brahma bull
-ooohed and aahed over some baby goats
-went on the ferris wheel

i love living here.

then i had a great evening watching the devils rejects with zak and anna.

byeeeeeeeeeee

one slipper kind of morning

one of the dogs took my slipper. . . its fuzzy and white and looks kind of like a little dog to chew on, i guess . . . annoyed.
been stressing a lot lately, feeling a major need to get back on my meds and get back in therapy. especially with the people i deal with on a daily basis, i need some back up. in the form of pharmaceuticals.
i always come back to you

in other news, courtney appears to have 14 days till san fran!! whoo hoo!! courtney update us on your moving progress!! xoxo

satisfaction

rickety rides run by carnies? check.
a giant juicy turkey leg? check.
ice cold lemonade? check.
funnel cake with ice cream and hot fudge? check.
giant rabbits, pygmy goats, and ponies? check.
an amazing airbrushed shirt with my name and a panther on it? oh yes.

i love the state fair!!

blondie 11:59

Leaning in your corner like a candidate for wax.
Sidewalk social scientist don't get no satisfaction from your cigarette
It's ten to ten.
Time is running out.
Lock up all your memories.
Get outa here, you know that we can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Pumping like a fugitive in cover from the night.
Take it down the freeway like a bullet to the ocean.
Wait until the morning, take tomorrow by the hand.
Take it down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.
Hanging on a frequency, burning like a fire.
Boy, you've got the motion down.
It's getting late, I'm tired and I've lost control.
Don't leave me here.
Time is running out.
Take me down the highway like a rocket to the ocean.
We can run.
Today can last another million years.
Today could be the end of me.
It's 11:59, and I want to stay alive.



had a very very bad saturday. i was on call and got a crisis call. was in 3 different hospitals for 10 hours. heard horrible stories and basically was a counselor for the entire day, to someone who doesnt know me and certainly doesnt trust me. why should she? had a little nervous breakdown when i thought i was done for the day and had to go back. havent cried that hard in years.
never been so happy to walk through home's door and see a fucking beagle.
today: state fair. turkey leg, funnel cake, deep fried thingies.

latest inspirations

charlotte russe teenage hooker heels- in beige and black
a pink parasol
melaka fray
red nails white tips
oversized black tee shirts
yellow flats
my clients
my art group for the clients
brujas
la faundah my honda and her hot pink duct taped side
elizabeth berg
sushi
water
raspberries
hot chocolate with chili powder
teal
crisp mornings
cool evenings
vic wearing his fave hoodie- fall is almost here!!

politics make me queasy.

or rather, republicans, namely george and john, do.
the movie united flight 93 was on TV- arrg. hard to watch. i started reading up on 9/11 stuff for the first time in years. . . watched the infamous footage of bush sitting in the classroom on 9/11 like a fuckin dumbass . . . then proceeded to watch all the various videos on youtube of bush's fuck ups and absolute stupidity over the past 8 years.
a vote for mccain is pretty much saying you want four more years of bush. . . if any of you are planning to vote for mccain, do NOT tell me this. seriously. it might kill me.
grr.
no one's saying obama's perfect. he's still a politician. but he's the best option we have, and i have some faith in him. plus, i really like albuquerque and dont want to have to relocate to canada anytime soon.
i'm already nervous and its two months away.

guns are funs

yesterday in santa fe i shot a gun for the first time! a rifle to be exact. i dont think i did very well with it, but we had a blast. i shot one semiautomatic rifle and one with a scope and the pump action thingie. we were in the middle of nowhere shooting at stuff and these guys with fake police hats were there as well. they were pretty creepy, and i expected them to shoot all of us and drive off. scurry!
then we had a lovely dinner at a place called gabriels, where i got pollo con mole poblano- chicken in mole sauce. YUM!
after dinner we went to the casino. . . i promptly lost my allotted $20. . . god i love the casino!
i've been having weird post apocalyptic dreams lately, that leave me feeling lonely and strange every morning.
my goal for this week is to work on a healthy food menu and to STICK to it. this life needs some structure, stat.
the dog next door has the most shrill horrible bark ever, even worse than gabe's. . . i'm off to sulk about it for a bit.
xo

weekend assignment

go to youtube, google "christian the lion." you will not be disappointed. ignore the cheesy whitney houston background music or allow yourself to be guiltily swept away by it. this is one of the sweetest things i have ever seen. i most certainly cried.

last night i got my septum pierced. it was fun! its a little crooked (hopefully just due to the swelling) but i really like it!
today we are going to santa fe to shoot guns with my brother in law, and celebrate reena's birthday. tomorrow, cliff's amusement park! and a lot of house cleaning blah.

have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo sheil

massage town

hey ya'll!!
the past couple of days have been just lovely. let's see, saturday anna and i went to the growers market. then we went to the flea market and picked up some marilyn and elvis prints. we made deviled eggs for her sisters baby shower. deviled eggs are amazing and awesome. and easy to make! ali im going to do a blog about them soon! I SWEAR IT!!
sunday we went to an alpaca farm! the alpacas were adorable and had big beautiful eyes. i wanted to take one home with me. alaira could be its herder. herding it around my backyard.
monday we went to zak and anna's for a yummy bbq.
yesterday we played tennis! i havent played tennis since i was a kid in my driveway with my sister. its pretty fun. then vic and i got massages. . . . ahhhh. i think massages are very intense experiences. . . i always start remembering a lot of things that i've buried, just little things, and it's nice. and just the sheer intimacy of it makes me reflect on a lot of things. lately buddha's five remembrances.

I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.
There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

i'm planning to get the whole thing tattooed on me at some point.
friday i'm getting my septum pierced!
and its the fall (pretty much)!! i LOVE fall. GA has the most beautiful fall. . . pittsburgh didnt have much of one. i love love love fall. i love feeling the crispness in the air and looking forward to halloween! xoxoxoxo

omfg i am legend

wow. . .just watched i am legend- i really liked the first half of the movie, and i have seriously not cried so hard in a movie in AGES!!! and if you've seen it, and you know me at all, you know which part i was crying at. like seriously, a nervous breakdown happened.
another campier movie version of the book it's based on is the last man on earth starring vincent price- its on AMC every so often. xo

SO glad its friday

this week was just one of those weeks.
i barely slept at all, just felt out of sorts. . . i'm glad its over AND that there is a three day weekend.
i was surprised by a lovely bday card from elena, who i have not seen or talked to on the phone in at least 6 years. we have pretty much just maintained contact through the occasional email or card- but its amazing to know some things/people just might last forever.
tonight there is a dolly parton inspired exhibit- thinking about going. . .drinking a tecate and really enjoying it. . .
last night anna and andrea, our clinician from PP, came over, and we had pizza and beer. its been weeks since i've seen andrea, and its always fun to have a lively convo with her and anna about HPV and gardasil and colposcopies and all that. i wonder if i would ever end up in the medical field . . .working at PP made me very interested in it, for a time, and seeing anna's success in nursing school is also inspiring. wouldnt that be fucking weird, if one day i became a nurse?! just like mom. . . yikes
its doubtful because i dont think i would have the energy to pursue it, but its neat to think about. id rather just buckle down and make myself into a writer, relying on alcohol and isolation to hone my skills haha.
i got a bunch of stickers off interpunk and decorated lafaundah the honda. . .she looks awesome. she also has a big pink duct tape bandage where her bumper is falling off.
this weekend, i have been in albuquerque exactly one year. WOW!

mememmee

10 years ago…
August 1998. Soon I would become best friends with elena and din, two of the coolest people i have ever known. . .

5 years ago...
August 2003. I was living in a shithole on the south side slopes, was behind about 3 months on rent, had 3+ dogs depending on what i was rescuing that week, was in a horrible abusive relationship, and pretty much hated my existence! wow.

5 months ago...
March 2008. Pure misery at planned parenthood. stress galore. however, the introduction of a little scooter into my life came about around this time. big positive.

5 things on my to-do list tomorrow...
1. catch up on my case notes/clients
2. make a basil pesto pasta
3. make a peanut butter pie
4. watch project runway with anna and rachel! (who will be eating the aforementioned dishes)
5. make an appointment for gabo and laira to get their nalls trimmed

5 things people don't know about me...
1. i sometimes cry in the morning because i'm so tired
2. i have incredibly vivid/symbolic dreams, and think about them periodically throughout my days
3. i chew on my thumbs all the time
4. i could eat chili con queso for every meal
5. i get incredibly nervous going into parties/social situations where i dont know anyone, and usually panic and try to figure out an excuse to leave. i generally drink before going into situations like this, thus, it's something you may not know about me. the world is a happy friendly place when i'm a little fucked up.

5 bad habits...
1. my extreme daytime laziness, which leads to my boyfriend having to do pretty much everything around the house
2. my night owl tendencies, which cause me to berate vic for not wanting to start cleaning the house at 11:30 at night
3. Hypochondria. yes. in the past year i have diagnosed myself with a variety of ailments. . . but i'm still kickin, somehow. . .
4. obsessing. over people i miss, people i havent seen in years, experiences that happened years ago, work, conversations that happened in this reality, conversations that happened in my head, etc. its exhausting.
5. eating everything in freakin sight

5 places I have lived...
1. decatur ga
2. pittsburgh pa
3. placitas nm (for 3 months)
4. albuquerque nm
5. hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry (i did my graduate program there)

Tag 5 people...
i will follow ali's lead and tag you all to hell

life is a series of unfortunate events

who has read the lemony snicket books??
who would like to discuss them with me??
last week i finished the last book, and now have a void in my heart where the baudelaires used to dwell!

we spent a thoroughly enjoyable day strollin through nob hill. i got some amazing horse greeting cards, a land of the dead dvd, a garbage cd (i have had such a hankering for shirley manson lately), and my sister's bday gift- a memory block
the memory blocks are fucking amazing. . . i plan to spend a ridiculous amount of money on them, that could go towards student loans, medical care, food, etc.

hope you all had a lovely weekend!

saturday night LOTR fest

im just chillin at home tonite, watching LOTR and ordering stickers for la faundah, my new honda. . . just thinking about feeling lonely, and missing pgh.

something that contributes to my occasional bouts of homesickness is my eternal (and eternally annoying) longing for an unpredictable life.

i miss going to a show, getting drunk, going to a random party and getting more drunk, talking all night with strangers and never knowing where i was going to end up. i really, really miss that. i don't miss getting my feelings being hurt by my latest crush, or waking up covered in bruises and not quite remembering where i got them. i just feel. . . a little caged and bored. caged out of my own volition.
i've just gotta find a balance to having the life i want to have and the life i "should be" having.
but you know, it would be really fucking nice to just be satisfied, for once. it would make things a lot easier.

vic and i had a lovely evening though. . . we got sapporo and sushi at sumo sushi and cake at flying star for dinner. vic also got contacts, and i'm so proud of him for putting them in and taking them out in under 10 minutes!! its fucking hard at first!
the past weeks have been full of driving clients around all over town- to an immunization clinic, annapurna chai house, old navy, the flea market, the ER, the medicaid office. . . everywhere. it's fucking fun though, i love this job and i only get really frazzled when i hurt my back moving shit, like MATTRESSES, my greatest enemy. mattresses need to learn to move themselves. srsly.

tomorrow we are going to the nob hill shop and stroll thing. . . that's about it. hi to my friends that i have neglected so, love you all xoxo

p.s. viggo forever!

hihi!!!

its been a while. . . things have been lovely in albuquerque. i am now the proud owner of a 96 silver honda named lafaundah. my first car, ever! my birthday was great. i did cry a bunch that day, from being homesick/overwhelmed by vic's generosity. vic got me a coldstone cake that was pink and red layers (he knows me so well) and an aero garden! and a beautiful martha stewart blue blender! he's a major sweetheart. he also got me a princess crown and hung a birthday banner. i am a lucky one. anna got me a hilarious doll that comes with some kind of water heater/propane tank, and some kickin cowboy boots. she also got me a book of tapas recipes (yay!!) and sparklers and a tiny little sheila handmade doll. that night we all went to dinner at the sushi place down the street. i tried tempura green tea ice cream for the first time. . .it's rad. thanks for all the birthday cards/calls!!
greg and marybeth, his girlfriend, came to visit this past weekend. it was cool, a little awkward, but fun. i had a wonderful birthday saturday with my sister. first we went to the st. james tearoom and had afternoon tea. the tearoom has a trunk full of hats- mine was pink with a big tulle flower, her's was wide brimmed and yellow. it was SO fun. the savories were delicious, the scones and lemon curd to die for, a heart shaped meringue cookie with pomegranate filling. . . . ahhh. the tea was also excellent. reena gave me a beautiful strawberry apron for my bday.
then we went horseback riding at the tamaya resort on the santa ana pueblo. it was AMAZING. 2 hours of riding a spotted white horse named casper all over the mountain side, in arroyos, along the river . . . i felt like i was on another planet. i think i need to become a ranchhand. or a cowgirl. there was also a brown pit bull named stetson who accompanied us on the ride, and at one point jumped onto the guide's horse for a ride. precious.
afterwards reen mike and i went to the casino, i gambled away my savings, and thoroughly enjoyed some nachos.
sunday marybeth and i went to buffalo exchange and i got some fuckin sweet clothes. this week i've been busy with work, but i'm cleaning frantically tonight for susan's visit!!

kinda bummed, kinda birthday

the big 26 tomorrow.

honestly, i'm just so exhausted from work that i cant muster up much genuine excitement. . yesterday i moved a client into her new place. it took 10 hours, 5 of which involved lifting incredibly heavy furniture. i am so sore and stiff today that i can barely walk. no joke.
my weekend was more uneasy than enjoyable- i'm needing to find that balance between doing my job and OVERdoing my job.
also, vic's brother is coming to visit this weekend. while i'm excited to see him, the timing really couldnt be worse. i've been working really hard on the house and trying to get things done before susan comes next week, plus all my usual birthday activities- two weekends in a row of visitors! i know how horrible, fun and exciting visits from people you care about!
i think i'm just so frazzled right now that it all seems a little too much for me, even though it will be fine.
i think i'm also just really feelin the homesickness right now. . i miss pittsburgh and my totally wonderful birthdays there, with some totally wonderful people.
ive been throwing all my excess energy into decorating- the color theme of the living room is pink, blue, and red, and its adorable. the bedroom is coming along nicely, it feels like a home, all is well on the homefront other than my lifelong tendency to get inspired around 11:30 at night. which makes for drowsy days.
happy birfday to me!

hai

thank you for the calls and emails. . . it really means a lot.
i am doing better! what else can i do but just go on?
last night i got a million curtains from savers and am making the homestead all lovely.
i'm working, hanging, enjoying my day.